H wants to move out again, we had a separation a year ago when we were supposed to work on ourselves, but his idea of working on himself was setting up a dating account, but he seemed contrite and moved back and now he's ready to leave again..."we just don't have a connection" ilybinilwy...oh really? i wonder why there's no connection, i asked to be more than roommates 20 years ago when we got married! he's always been lively and bubbly with every other woman except me. since he moved back (last july) he completely lost interest in sex, even sharing a bedroom, any room actually, doesn't wear his ring, consumes himself with football coaching with our 11 year old son. i suggested a date night on fridays but as soon as friday came he wanted to go work out instead...i'm so tired.

i guess i know where this is headed, he says he checked out a long time ago but i need a plan to keep my own sanity...plan B this time. I plan A'd last time we were separated, ive been his shoulder to cry on, well i won't do it. i can't believe he can be so lame to want to end it because he doesn't feel good. i told him i always believed he was made of better stuff than that but that he's determined to prove me wrong. he had an EA last year i found texts that weren't bad, but just like how are you type stuff with a woman at work, but he said he cut it off with her and she's not there anymore anyway and there's nothing on his phone or laptop.

sorry to babble, bottom line is i need help with plan B, so i can come out on top regardless of divorce or not. thank you.

He is probably having an affair.
Its very iconvenient and impolite to wear a ring when you have sex with another woman. "Working out" may be his terminology for "having sex."

You need to post this in the Survining an Affair forum.

Find out who he is having an affair with

i did know who the EA was with, but like i said he told me it's cut off, she left his work, and i know there's nothing on computer or phone because he gave me his passwords. i actually believe him BUT i believe he's in the fog of "life would be better by breaking up". i understand it hasn't been a perfect marriage, but his consistent behavior has diostanced himself from me, from day one---he agrees, but can't see any hope of anything changing. i try to convey that "feelings" can't dictate how you conduct yourself ... he feels lousy, so he continues to ignore me, isolate himself, activities that don't involve me (i.e. football clinics 3x a week). we were supposed to watch the superbowl together but he ended up having his buddies over instead (all guys). why doesn't he realize what this does to me?? it's not like i haven't told him!

we did the emotional questionnaire many moons ago along with every other help out there, retreats, etc. now are seeing a therapist who finally seems bent on saving our marriage (most as you know, aren't!) whenever i tell him i need a decision, to commit to the marriage or not, he assures me he's not going to move out (yet)...oh great how reassuring. he's obviously in a state of limbo that frankly has me falling apart after so many years. i can't take much more. has anyone done the online MB program by themselves?

READ THIS THREAD:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showthreaded&Number=2594356&an=

thanks HDW, H needs to read this so i'm emailng it to him.

not sure why i didn't get responses (beside HDW - thank you) this happened last time i started a thread too.

anyway, he's decided to divorce. i hope he finds the inner peace he's been looking for in all the wrong places. i made sure my son knows that this wasn't my decision, also H's parents. i will not live a life without truth.

Did you ever expose his EA?

If so to whom?

my family, not his. she was single. her fb didn't show friends. but i truly believe they're not in touch. he is searching for something he'll never find externally, inner peace.

and even though the decision's made, i'm plan B'ing.

You mean... in 2002... 10 years ago?

In your time here, what have you done to implement Marriage Builders in your marriage?

Hi Cabbage,
Just found your thread. We are married to the same H. Except my H will NOT allow me access to his phone at all. My threads do not seem to get too many replies but I find lots of helpful ones from other posts. I decided to try Plan A-b than my H gave me the divorce talk-again.Still going to give it a try though. Sorry your situation didn't work out. Perhaps you will find support and strength in other forums here.

thanks very much jbub, it means a lot i have read a lot about plan B especially from the "pros" over at SAF forum. i'm sorry for your situation as well.

I didn't say anything because you have been here much longer than me. For whatever reason you haven't used the marriage builders program in all that time, so I wouldnt think you would now.

Can I ask why you never used the program?

i figured my registered date was why there was little response but 4 months isn't much longer? i obviously haven't had my whole heart in any plan. and i wasn't even here for a long time. recently i've seen a change in posts i.e. much more plain direction rather than sympathy. which is a good thing for me.

like i said we did the questionaires but then he was done participating. i did a lot on my own though. we went to retrovaille which he immediately criticized for not having presenting couples he "could relate to". says he was going thru the motions because he said he decided a long time ago he never loved me. i told him he just wants to rewrite history to assuage his guilt.

i plan a'd when we were first separated a year ago and thought it went great. little did i know. he came back after 7 months and said he 'came back too soon'. his idea of working on himself was setting up a dating account. so now that the decision is made, and only because i held his feet to the fire at our counseling session...he keeps asking me if i'm 'all right'. bleeping clueless. i love this counselor, he's an experienced doctor who saw thru the chitchatty way H has. he even told him he's disappointed with his decision. that his goal was to save our marriage. H will continue to see him alone, he cries like a baby every session and the dr is certain it isn't all about the marriage, which i agree.

but i need a plan, he hasn't got a place yet and even once he does he plans on coming over any time like he did before to be with DS(12). i refuse to live like i agree with divorce and him playing house will not do. btw i told his parents it was his decision not mine. they don't seem to have an emotional bone in their body but i had to get it out there to live in truth for once, instead of making excuses for him, ie why he's never with me at family things.

and this sounds clueless but do i get a lawyer without consulting him? sorry this rambles and thanks for your time (and anyone else's).

Yes, go see a lawyer immediately to get advice about next steps. Do not tell him. Even if you decide to fight for the marriage you need to be informed about your rights.

You should expand your snooping methods.. It's highly unlikely he isn't in some kind of affair.

sorry hhh didn't see yr post...i had a more recent thread, i forget the year...i just went to look for it but it's not there. maybe it was deleted, i remember hearing something about the bunch of posts lost? it was when h was into porn and i was at a loss. he found shame with that after 15 years and smashed his laptop. now he immerses hinself with healthier activities but of course they still took him away from the marriage...coaching 3x week, classes for referrees, etc.

i think i'll look for a var, since i have access to his passwords already and found nothing. thanks kerala.

Have you thought about counseling with the Harleys or at least writing the radio show?

So have you read up on Plan B?
Have you written your Plan B letter yet?

Also have you read this article on Plan A and Plan B from Dr. H?
Article about Plan A and Plan B

It sounds like he is having an affair. Have you snooped? Has he had other affairs?

it does sound that way....but there's nothing that i know of , never was besides those few texts a year ago, that weren't even that personal. the porn kept him ...busy, most of the years i think.

So are you all ready and prepared for Plan B?

i'm getting there...i told him how sorry i was for his decision and not to speak to me right now (hard with him still living here)... it will be much easier once he's left, then i can send the letter. i am doing this for me, not for reconciliation. i know in my heart he won't change his mind. my head is still spinning from yesterday.

Did you read the links I provided on Plan B and Plan A?
Do you have an IM?
Will you be able to do a dark Plan B?

I know you said you did a Plan A before but you should still do an excellent Plan A(even if it is short lived) before you go into Plan B.
Also I understand you give him the letter when you go into Plan B so he knows the way home.

It almost sounds like you are going straight into Plan D? Is this a fair assumption?

i am not going straight to plan D....he is. although he's dragged his feet for so many years in this marriage that i don't expect to be served any time soon. which is a double-edged sword for me, i don't want to live in limbo any longer, it's too emotionally wrenching. which is why i need to plan b now and go completely dark when he leaves. i am trying to empower myself...when he told me he was going out for awhile yesterday (after i told him no communication) i felt a piece of me was taken---i don't know how to describe it better than that. i then texted him that i meant business, no communication. my goal here is to let plan b help me, first and foremost. i can't guess what he's going to do anymore. i have a couple people in mind for im for when he's moved out. thanks brain. mine hurts too.

cabbage, what you describe is not Plan B. I would do some reading and find out what Plan B means. There is a good thread in the notable posts section. You can't go into Plan B until you are separated.

If I were in your situation, I would hire a PI or do some intensive spying and find out who the affair is with. Get the evidence and then expose the affair. That comes first.

It sounds to me like he has led a secret second life for a very long time. You might have a chance of saving your marriage if you drag it out into the sunlight.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? You are going to have to do some footwork here and start educating yourself on Plan A and Plan B. We can't spoonfeed you this program.

understood, no spoonfeeding but you are offering help to guide me and i thank you. i have been relying on the wonderful posts from plan b'ers, but i will redo the reading on it. as for spying, i've done that my whole marriage and it makes me &^$@ing crazy. when i tell you i am emotionally spent i mean it. i just think i need plan b for me at this point. i read saa a while ago and could reread it except i think i need something just for me, no more explanations of why waywards act the way they do. i guess i've been in battle for so long, i'm just plain weary. yes it does seem a double life, he's always had one foot out the door, with me always trying to coax him in, and being a shoulder to cry on.

btw such timing, besides *$%@ing valentine's, our 20th is coming up. and in church sunday the choir's choice of song was one from our wedding day. for a second it sucked, but i took it as a reminder that God is with me.

Sounds like your taker is in full force and your love bank is depleted or very close to it being depleted.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

Are you going to follow MelodyLane's advice on the snooping and do a stellar Plan A for a few days until you completely go into a dark Plan B?

thanks brain...i may snoop but i won't do plan a, never mind a stellar one. i will look positive because i feel that way when i'm filling myself up...but you're right, i think the love bank's depleted.

Of course that's what we are here for is support working the MB plan whether it be in a marriage with your WH or just for you. Either way in my opinion you come out further along in life.

If you find something from your snooping you're going to expose, correct?

Do you have an IM for your plan B?

i would definitely expose if i found something. i have a couple im's in mind. i have a hard time at this point forming a letter. is there a plan b letter for someone who just checked out of the marriage?

Try this: How to Plan B properly

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Read some of the Plan B posters.

I hope this helps.