i'm getting there...i told him how sorry i was for his decision and not to speak to me right now (hard with him still living here)... it will be much easier once he's left, then i can send the letter. i am doing this for me, not for reconciliation. i know in my heart he won't change his mind. my head is still spinning from yesterday.

Did you read the links I provided on Plan B and Plan A?
Do you have an IM?
Will you be able to do a dark Plan B?

I know you said you did a Plan A before but you should still do an excellent Plan A(even if it is short lived) before you go into Plan B.
Also I understand you give him the letter when you go into Plan B so he knows the way home.

It almost sounds like you are going straight into Plan D? Is this a fair assumption?

i am not going straight to plan D....he is. although he's dragged his feet for so many years in this marriage that i don't expect to be served any time soon. which is a double-edged sword for me, i don't want to live in limbo any longer, it's too emotionally wrenching. which is why i need to plan b now and go completely dark when he leaves. i am trying to empower myself...when he told me he was going out for awhile yesterday (after i told him no communication) i felt a piece of me was taken---i don't know how to describe it better than that. i then texted him that i meant business, no communication. my goal here is to let plan b help me, first and foremost. i can't guess what he's going to do anymore. i have a couple people in mind for im for when he's moved out. thanks brain. mine hurts too.

cabbage, what you describe is not Plan B. I would do some reading and find out what Plan B means. There is a good thread in the notable posts section. You can't go into Plan B until you are separated.

If I were in your situation, I would hire a PI or do some intensive spying and find out who the affair is with. Get the evidence and then expose the affair. That comes first.

It sounds to me like he has led a secret second life for a very long time. You might have a chance of saving your marriage if you drag it out into the sunlight.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? You are going to have to do some footwork here and start educating yourself on Plan A and Plan B. We can't spoonfeed you this program.

understood, no spoonfeeding but you are offering help to guide me and i thank you. i have been relying on the wonderful posts from plan b'ers, but i will redo the reading on it. as for spying, i've done that my whole marriage and it makes me &^$@ing crazy. when i tell you i am emotionally spent i mean it. i just think i need plan b for me at this point. i read saa a while ago and could reread it except i think i need something just for me, no more explanations of why waywards act the way they do. i guess i've been in battle for so long, i'm just plain weary. yes it does seem a double life, he's always had one foot out the door, with me always trying to coax him in, and being a shoulder to cry on.

btw such timing, besides *$%@ing valentine's, our 20th is coming up. and in church sunday the choir's choice of song was one from our wedding day. for a second it sucked, but i took it as a reminder that God is with me.

Sounds like your taker is in full force and your love bank is depleted or very close to it being depleted.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

Are you going to follow MelodyLane's advice on the snooping and do a stellar Plan A for a few days until you completely go into a dark Plan B?

thanks brain...i may snoop but i won't do plan a, never mind a stellar one. i will look positive because i feel that way when i'm filling myself up...but you're right, i think the love bank's depleted.

Of course that's what we are here for is support working the MB plan whether it be in a marriage with your WH or just for you. Either way in my opinion you come out further along in life.

If you find something from your snooping you're going to expose, correct?

Do you have an IM for your plan B?

i would definitely expose if i found something. i have a couple im's in mind. i have a hard time at this point forming a letter. is there a plan b letter for someone who just checked out of the marriage?

Try this: How to Plan B properly

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Read some of the Plan B posters.

I hope this helps.