Hi everyone I got married 2 months ago to the love of my life but my 40th birthday is coming up and he was asked by his work to go out of town for a trip and will have to leave the day of my birthday and be gone the whole weekend! How should I feel? I am so hurt and need advice! Thank you!

Can you go with him?

I would check out this link to get some ideas on how to learn to resolve conflicts: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

No I cannot go with him it is a men's conference. Thank you.

What kind of mens conference? Did you tell him you don't want him to go?

I did not tell him I don't want him to go because it is part of his job it is a spiritual men's conference he is a counselor at a rehab ce.ter

He can't resolve a problem in his marriage if you don't tell him what the problem is! I would tell him how unhappy you are about it and look for solutions that benefit your marriage. Your marriage should come before his job.

He can't read your mind. You need to tell him.

What do you understand about the policy of joint agreement?
Read this.
Policy of Joint Agreement

Your post is asking how you should feel - but you know how you feel! You are "so hurt".

Yes I know I am hurt but I don't want to overreact either I am a very sensitive person. I have told him I am very upset about him going don't feel it is my place e to tell him not to go. Thank you

What is his solution to the problem? It is clear you both need to learn the skills to negotiate through conflicts in a way that benefits your marriage. If he does go, knowing that you are upset, he is gaining at your expense. Have you told him you don't want him to go?

Dismissing your feelings is not a solution. You ARE upset and you should both be looking for solutions that make you both happy. In the policy of joint agreement, no decision should be made unless you both enthusiastically agree. It is obvious you did not agree to this, which means he made a unilateral decision without your input. Dr Harley suggests that when unilateral decisions are made, that they should be abandoned until a mutual decision is reached.

Did you read this?

I am very upset about him going don't feel it is my place to tell him not to go.

Let's work this problem from the other end as well.

Concentrate on the beneficial reasons he is going to this conference.

1) Satisfy an implied requirement by his employer to maintain/increase his skills and efficiency.

2) Receive training that he can then apply at his job, improving his job security (Not a minor worry today!), and his overall job rating, thereby providing for the life you and he will share in the future.

Yes, it's an important day for you in some respects. But probably more important is his commitment to provide for your joint economic needs for the next 30 years.

Try APPRECIATING his efforts in this matter, instead of RESENTING his absence. As a newlywed husband, he likley already feels bad enough making the difficult choice to be away from you.

Newly - Have you read the material here on the Marriage Builders website?

Thank you for ur comments and I understand what u are saying but where he is going is nothing to do with his position at work it I'd just wo rk related he is a counselor and asked to take men from his center to this conference. I guess what is really bothering me is he didn't even ask me he just told me he was going and I wont be able to see him at all the day of my bday and not for 5 days

where he is going is nothing to do with his position at work it I'd just wo rk related he is a counselor and asked to take men from his center to this conference.

Can you clarify this? I think what you're saying is that it's not a MANDATORY trip, but he was asked to take two of his clients to this conference. Is that it?

If so, it does not much change the suggestion I gave. "Going beyond" one's hard-and-fast job description is a good way to solidify one's position in a job.

But, I'll await your reply with clearer delineations....

Whether and to what extent this benefits his career, this issue needs to be discussed between you and him...not you and us!

The job should serve the marriage, not the other way around; it is very bad advice for you to find ways to accept something that you recognize will hurt you deeply. Your husband can meet the need of financial support without hurting you. Unless, of course, his career comes before you.

Avoiding overnight trips away from each other is the standard rule around here to protect your marriage. In order to put that in place, you need to be able to discuss things with your husband! Please do not be shy about telling him that you don't want him to go. Nobody is saying that you should FORBID him from going, or get upset and be demanding. "I am devastated that you plan to not be with me on my 40th birthday. I wish you would not do that, and would like it very much if you made plans to celebrate with me instead." How you feel, what you don't like, what you would like instead. Simple and to the point.

Is this very soon?

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Agree. Marriage Builders position is that the career should complement the marriage, not the other way around. Your H should be discussing his plans with you BEFORE he does stuff like this. The rule of POJA specifies that if one spouse makes a unilateral decision, that decision should be negated until an enthusiastic agreement is met.

To tag onto what CWMI and Melody have told you.

Please read the POJA link I posted and here are some fantastic letters from Dr. Harley.
How to develop your career #1
How to develop your career #2

NMF,

I think it would help to clarify a thing or two in your situation.

Is your H going to have to go out of town a lot, or is this a one time deal?

How much do you and your husband know about MB and have you been following any of the principles? It doesn't sound to me like you have done much with the program since you've already alluded to the fact that A: you are not open and honest with him about your feelings and B: that the two of you are not used to making joint decisions.

You can't fault your H for going away when you haven't come to any agreements on basic principles on how you will handle married life. (A lot of us don't when we don't know better!)

It sounds to me that you are hurt that your H is going away when he should want to spend your birthday with you - not that you are against the idea of him going to a conference for work. Is that correct? Although, as others have mentioned, it isn't recommended that a married person be in a position to have to travel frequently for work.

In a lot of families, birthdays and other holidays aren't as big a deal as they are in others. (Or, for that matter, to people of different personality types) My husband, for instance, is of the mindset that it doesn't matter if you celebrate on the specific date, as long as you do celebrate somewhere around it. My mother, on the other hand, has a cow when something is not celebrated on THE day.

To me, there are two things at play here: your desire to resolve this immediate problem you have with his not being home on your birthday and more importantly, a big need for you and your husband to sort out what kind of marriage you are going to have - which is where Marriage Builders comes in.

You may or may not have time to go through the program fully before this issue is resolved. But - that doesn't mean you can't learn the important principles and put them into play quickly - to help with the issue.

I ask you if this issue is about your birthday because it provides a different perspective to your problem. It doesn't change the principles at play (in the MB program) but it provides insight into your feelings. I had a similar issue recently and a change in perspective helped me A LOT.

In my case, I was thinking mainly about myself and being very self-centered I might add - when feeling upset about my husband's work schedule. I missed him; I was lonely when he was gone all weekend, for several weekends in a row. Then, a wise person (thanks, NG!) suggested to me that I think about what it was like for my husband: HE was the one who was having to put in all the hours, after all! When I stopped looking inward and realized how hard my husband worked to provide for our family, I got out of my little pity party and was able to provide my husband with some much needed admiration and appreciation for who he was as a husband, father, and provider - all which spoke to his manhood. I made plans with my kids for the next weekend he was having to work to keep myself busy AND I did some things while he was away that showed my appreciation for him. Focusing on meeting his needs while he was working hard was very fulfilling to me - once I had that change in perspective.

My husband's job, however, does not take priority over our marriage. His working extra hours was a result of a one-time project that had to be done when the office was closed to most personnel. He even made a point to send me pictures of him and his fellow engineers at the office throughout the process. We called/texted regularly as well - so I would feel secure about what he was doing and why. I wasn't upset about it anymore once I looked at it from his point of view. It wasn't like he WANTED to be away from home, working. He'd much rather be home with me!

This post keeps getting longer and longer...geez.

Bottom line is, you need to come up with a solution to the immediate problem (that you both agree on) but also need to learn the principles provided here in having a great marriage in order to prevent future scenarios like this one. Once you learn how to be open and honest with your husband about your feelings (in a constructive manner) and he you - and you both avoid lovebusters and meet each other's needs - you will always be on the same team in creating solutions for everyday issues.

It is more efficient to change actions than feelings. Telling someone to change their perspective, rather than suggesting that the actions that cause bad feelings change, is destructive and not MB.

How should you feel? You should feel the way you feel. I think your better question is "How do I talk to my husband about how I feel?"

You are newly married. This is the perfect time for the two of you to acquire the fine art of being open and honest with each other. Keeping this inside you will cause you to become resentful, and that's not good for your marriage. Understand now that there will be times when the two of you don't agree. Your goal when you have a disagreement is to discuss options until you reach a point of enthusiastic agreement. You are not in enthusiastic agreement with your husband's decision. The two of you need to discuss options until you reach a point of enthusiastic agreement on the part of both of you.

Consider the options. Write them down and discuss them. You clearly aren't happy with the option of his leaving town for a week during your birthday (side note: he shouldn't be leaving you to travel on business. At all. If his job requires travel, you need to be in a position to travel with him.)
So. Your options:
1. You go with him. And why not? Why can't you ride along in the car and spend time in the hotel or doing some sightseeing/shopping while he fulfills his work obligations?
2. He turns down the extra work. And why not? Will the world stop turning?

Discuss these and add any others you might come up with. Come to a point of enthusiastic agreement.

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Please refrain from debating MB concepts on a newcomer's thread.

That comment isn't "rational discourse", NG. It's a cheap shot. You're better than that.

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Have you determined your Emotional Needs?

I would sit him down and tell him how you are hurt. Then I would ask him to help come up with a solution.

Can you stay at a hotel in the same town, that is not part of the conference?

What is exactly keeping you from not going?

May I ask ... is he also in his 40's ... is this his first marriage ... was Independent behavior part of who he is?

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When we were coaching with Steve, he told us that he had recently gone to a men's conference. He asked me if I was surprised by that. I told him no, that I imagined he had a solid marriage and his wife's blessing to do so. He said exactly! He never would have gone if his wife didn't want him to. He saw another man there that he knew had a troubled marriage, and wondered why in the world he was there when he should have been home working on his marriage.

Marriage FIRST. Other stuff fits in after.

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Besides, asking the poster to see beyond her "feelings" is obviously NOT the "warm and fuzzies" that are desired.

She is upset by her H's action, and does not feel it her place to tell him to stop hurting her. We are attempting to get her to voice it, because sitting on it will worsen the problem. Overnights and IB will need to be addressed in this young marriage.

To me, "warm and fuzzy" is telling her to think of it like he is doing it FOR HER. That's just silly, to try to talk someone into believing that their spouse is hurting them for their benefit.

**edit**

Let's get back to Marriage Building and stop disrupting this new poster's thread.

Thank you!

You are getting great advice here! Please keep us updated on how it goes when you talk to your H.

It's ok to say, "I would really like us to be together on my birthday" or "I am really upset about your plans to leave town during my birthday" - just keep it respectful. In other words, stay away from disrespectful judgements like: "You are uncaring" or "You inconsiderate jerkwad! You didn't even ask my opinion!"

Yep, first building blocks of a great marriage: the Policy of Joint Agreement, and the Policy of Radical Honesty.

This is perfect timing - a great opportunity for you to begin a strong foundation for your marriage! And you'll both learn that asking "How would you feel if I...." before making plans, is the road to marital bliss.

Thank you e everyone so much for all the great advice! To answer somebody's question he Is 40 and yes this is his first. marriage my 2nd and he hadn't been in too many long relationships so very new to him. You all have given me some things to work on like joint agreement, radical honesty and mutual deceision.
Which is one of the reasons why I was so upset because he made the decision without talking to me first. Thanks again everyone.

Glad you're back.

Did you tell him how you feel about it?

Can you go with him and stay in the hotel?

Let us know how talking to him goes! A non-conflict approach to this conversation may be to let him know that you do not think he did this intentionally; in other words, you do not feel like he is out to hurt you on purpose. You are newly married, and there is an adjustment period that we all go through. It takes time to consciously remember that there is another human to consider in decisions. And it takes conscious effort. While dating, we naturally consider each other because we are infatuated and never get our lovers out of our head. To be thoughtless at that time is not common. But put a ring on it, and suddenly you become "one" and that leads to forgetting that the other person is not YOU. lol.

I don't think he did this intentionally. I think he was just a little more oblivious than he can afford to be in the future.

If he has done these trips before, while you were dating, and you had no issue with it then, I would also let him know that it was quite surprising to you to find that it bothered you now. Definitely tell him it was the non-discussion of it prior to making the decision that is bothering you. You want the opportunity to support him, because you love him and want him to be both happy and successful, and he can trust you to negotiate to a win/win solution.

One solution to your B-day that I can think of, besides you hanging out in a men's retreat for five days, is for him to go and settle his clients in, and then take off with you for that night. Are there nice restaurants around there? Is he staying at a nice place? Is it in an urban area, where you can go for an overnight and have him all to yourself for a while? Can someone else from work (perhaps a single counselor, or at least someone who is not a newlywed!) take over the task of escorting these clients for the week? That would be ideal, but just think of things where you each can get enough of what you want to make you both happy.

It is quite difficult to reign in a 40 year old man who has a habit of Independent behavior and it seems like thoughtlessness in his relationships.

The only thing that will correct this over time is the Policy of Joint Agreement.

You will need to expect at least 3-6 months for him to change his habits and that is only if he is excited about protecting and caring for you.

Otherwise it may take up to a year or two. Start slow ... you may need to lead first ...

How's it going, NewlyMarried?

Hope all is well. I would love to hear an update from ya!

- Zhamila