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Hi everyone I got married 2 months ago to the love of my life but my 40th birthday is coming up and he was asked by his work to go out of town for a trip and will have to leave the day of my birthday and be gone the whole weekend! How should I feel? I am so hurt and need advice! Thank you!

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Can you go with him?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I would check out this link to get some ideas on how to learn to resolve conflicts: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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No I cannot go with him it is a men's conference. Thank you.

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Originally Posted By: newlymarriedfeb
No I cannot go with him it is a men's conference. Thank you.


What kind of mens conference? Did you tell him you don't want him to go?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I did not tell him I don't want him to go because it is part of his job it is a spiritual men's conference he is a counselor at a rehab ce.ter

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Originally Posted By: newlymarriedfeb
I did not tell him I don't want him to go because it is part of his job it is a spiritual men's conference he is a counselor at a rehab ce.ter


He can't resolve a problem in his marriage if you don't tell him what the problem is! I would tell him how unhappy you are about it and look for solutions that benefit your marriage. Your marriage should come before his job.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: newlymarriedfeb
I did not tell him I don't want him to go because it is part of his job it is a spiritual men's conference he is a counselor at a rehab ce.ter

He can't read your mind. You need to tell him.

What do you understand about the policy of joint agreement?
Read this.
Policy of Joint Agreement


FWW/BW (me)
WH
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: newlymarriedfeb
Hi everyone I got married 2 months ago to the love of my life but my 40th birthday is coming up and he was asked by his work to go out of town for a trip and will have to leave the day of my birthday and be gone the whole weekend! How should I feel? I am so hurt and need advice! Thank you!

Your post is asking how you should feel - but you know how you feel! You are "so hurt".


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Yes I know I am hurt but I don't want to overreact either I am a very sensitive person. I have told him I am very upset about him going don't feel it is my place e to tell him not to go. Thank you

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Originally Posted By: newlymarriedfeb
Yes I know I am hurt but I don't want to overreact either I am a very sensitive person. I have told him I am very upset about him going don't feel it is my place e to tell him not to go. Thank you


What is his solution to the problem? It is clear you both need to learn the skills to negotiate through conflicts in a way that benefits your marriage. If he does go, knowing that you are upset, he is gaining at your expense. Have you told him you don't want him to go?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: newlymarriedfeb
Yes I know I am hurt but I don't want to overreact either I am a very sensitive person. I have told him I am very upset about him going don't feel it is my place e to tell him not to go. Thank you


Dismissing your feelings is not a solution. You ARE upset and you should both be looking for solutions that make you both happy. In the policy of joint agreement, no decision should be made unless you both enthusiastically agree. It is obvious you did not agree to this, which means he made a unilateral decision without your input. Dr Harley suggests that when unilateral decisions are made, that they should be abandoned until a mutual decision is reached.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Originally Posted By: newlymarriedfeb
I did not tell him I don't want him to go because it is part of his job it is a spiritual men's conference he is a counselor at a rehab ce.ter

He can't read your mind. You need to tell him.

What do you understand about the policy of joint agreement?
Read this.
Policy of Joint Agreement

Did you read this?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I am very upset about him going don't feel it is my place to tell him not to go.

Let's work this problem from the other end as well.

Concentrate on the beneficial reasons he is going to this conference.

1) Satisfy an implied requirement by his employer to maintain/increase his skills and efficiency.

2) Receive training that he can then apply at his job, improving his job security (Not a minor worry today!), and his overall job rating, thereby providing for the life you and he will share in the future.

Yes, it's an important day for you in some respects. But probably more important is his commitment to provide for your joint economic needs for the next 30 years.

Try APPRECIATING his efforts in this matter, instead of RESENTING his absence. As a newlywed husband, he likley already feels bad enough making the difficult choice to be away from you.

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Newly - Have you read the material here on the Marriage Builders website?


aBetterMe

Me 33
DH 35
Together 14 years, married 12
Two "furry children" (one cat & one dog)

MB has changed me and changed my life. I am becoming a better person for it, and building a better marriage. MB principles can truly help you create the love and the life you want.
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Thank you for ur comments and I understand what u are saying but where he is going is nothing to do with his position at work it I'd just wo rk related he is a counselor and asked to take men from his center to this conference. I guess what is really bothering me is he didn't even ask me he just told me he was going and I wont be able to see him at all the day of my bday and not for 5 days

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where he is going is nothing to do with his position at work it I'd just wo rk related he is a counselor and asked to take men from his center to this conference.

Can you clarify this? I think what you're saying is that it's not a MANDATORY trip, but he was asked to take two of his clients to this conference. Is that it?

If so, it does not much change the suggestion I gave. "Going beyond" one's hard-and-fast job description is a good way to solidify one's position in a job.

But, I'll await your reply with clearer delineations....

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Originally Posted By: NeverGuessed
where he is going is nothing to do with his position at work it I'd just wo rk related he is a counselor and asked to take men from his center to this conference.

Can you clarify this? I think what you're saying is that it's not a MANDATORY trip, but he was asked to take two of his clients to this conference. Is that it?

If so, it does not much change the suggestion I gave. "Going beyond" one's hard-and-fast job description is a good way to solidify one's position in a job.

But, I'll await your reply with clearer delineations....

Whether and to what extent this benefits his career, this issue needs to be discussed between you and him...not you and us!


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The job should serve the marriage, not the other way around; it is very bad advice for you to find ways to accept something that you recognize will hurt you deeply. Your husband can meet the need of financial support without hurting you. Unless, of course, his career comes before you.

Avoiding overnight trips away from each other is the standard rule around here to protect your marriage. In order to put that in place, you need to be able to discuss things with your husband! Please do not be shy about telling him that you don't want him to go. Nobody is saying that you should FORBID him from going, or get upset and be demanding. "I am devastated that you plan to not be with me on my 40th birthday. I wish you would not do that, and would like it very much if you made plans to celebrate with me instead." How you feel, what you don't like, what you would like instead. Simple and to the point.

Is this very soon?


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Originally Posted By: CWMI
The job should serve the marriage, not the other way around; it is very bad advice for you to find ways to accept something that you recognize will hurt you deeply. Your husband can meet the need of financial support without hurting you. Unless, of course, his career comes before you.
\


Agree. Marriage Builders position is that the career should complement the marriage, not the other way around. Your H should be discussing his plans with you BEFORE he does stuff like this. The rule of POJA specifies that if one spouse makes a unilateral decision, that decision should be negated until an enthusiastic agreement is met.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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