[b][/b] I havent been on this site for awhile. Thought some things were getting better or I just stopped worrying about stuff.

I just need advise or some input now. Im seriously ready to pull my hair out, or maybe get a freakin back bone and leave for good, Some older posters may remember me but this is what I want advise on now.

We moved in june to another home, different town, hoping ok its going to make a new start. Home needed some repairs. So here we are 7 months later and we are still living like gypsies in the basement. Half of our stuff is still packed, took Hubby 5 months to install kitchen cabinets that were bought and delivered and sitting in the living room, he is still polishing the edging for the freakin counter top( he polishes, sands it, polishes again, sands it) this has been going on for 3 weeks!!!! Of course he only goes upstairs and works on it for a few minutes then comes back down here and plops in front of the TV to watch TV. The master bathroom upstairs just needed a new vanity installed, well he tore the whole bathroom up, cabinet is stacked up against wall and nothing has been done ( 1 month now) the spare room upstairs is loaded with boxes. 90% of the boxes are his crap! he has 4 boxes full of old bills that he has already paid ( some are 6 months old) and he refuses to let me throw them away, this one point caused an argument last night. I have family coming to stay for a visit the end of this month and the house is a mess. Boxes everywhere, tools and crap half down thrown all over the couch upstairs, spare room loaded with boxes, kitchen not done, bathroom not done.

I can make 2 pages full of stuff that he starts and never finishes. the more I push/ask/beg/ the more he does NOTHING. its like he like living like a pig, in the basement.

I bought a brand new big AC unit when we moved in July, cost me $600. well we spent the summer in the basement and the AC was not even taken out of the box!!!

A bit of history, we were the caregivers for his parents for over 3 yrs, until we had to put them in a memory care facility in April. We had to clean out their house ( MIL was a huge pack rat!!!!) that adventure took us almost a month, hubby had to go thru every single box, every single envelope..it was horrible. She has alzheimers and was a pack rat, had stuff stashed everywhere from 70 yrs ago! you can imagine, well Hubby refused to get rid of a bunch of their stuff, so now the new house's gargage is LOADED to the roof with crap he bought over from his parents house too!!!! I would think that after what we had to go thru cleaning his parents house, he would not want to be the same way!!

I CANT DEAL WITH THIS!!!!! i dont know how to tell him, ask him , beg him to pleaseeeee get up and finish something in the house , let me help him go thru boxes and sort thru stuff..Im sick of living in the basement out of boxes, i hate not being able to set up the living room as a normal home!

any ideas?? I wish I could post pics here of the condition of this house and it doesnt seem to bother him ..its never going to get finished if he only works at it 1 hr a day MAYBE

Hi luly, it sounds you really need to use the program in your marriage. Particularly, the policy of radical honesty and the policy of joint agreement. How well are you doing on those in your marriage? Are you familiar with the program?

Focusing on a specific conflict is not going to help you when the true issue is a lack of necessary skills to resolve conflicts. Which MB books do you have?

Melody I have read thru this site, been on and off for over 4 yrs i think. There is no POJA's with hubby, He does not compromise. Radical honesty is something I have tried, but it falls on deaf ears, I am at a loss.
His answer "leave my stuff alone" end of story, no more talking to him about it.

thats why I am so frustrated. He does not budge, he doesnt see the mess. and right now this is a MAJOR problem, so I have to pick my battles with him.

I would try using the program, luly, because we obviously can't resolve these conflicts for you. If you can't motivate him to use MB, then try the coaching center and see if they can get him on board. Failing that, your best shot is to separate and use the plan outlined in When to Call it Quits.

When to Call It Quits - Part 1

luly,

The MB plan only works for you if you truly follow the whole plan. But in order for you to do that you're going to have to make some tough choices and do some things that are hard to do.

But that is what this site is for.

You have a reluctant spouse and as such your life is miserable and will continue to be miserable unless he either gets on board with these concepts or you find a new life to lead.

I think the best I can think to offer you right now is to listen to what Dr. Harley says and see if you can follow his recommendations.

When to call it quits

Thxs Im going to read "when to call it quits" since i see that link on 2 replies..maybe its time I call it quits 12 yrs of trying with no results .

This might help also.

Please listen to these radio clips on what are the reasons for divorce.

Radio clip at 5:45 When to call it quits
Segment #2

Please listen to these radio clips on what are the reasons for divorce.

Radio clip at 5:45 When to call it quits
Segment #2

Your post sounds like helplessness to me. Why would you rather leave your husband than learn how to install a cabinet? Or an AC unit? Or, idk, pay someone to do that for you?

4 boxes of bills, "some of them over six months old"? How many bills do you have, or how big are those boxes? You know you can shred or burn that stuff, right? You can buy a scanner for the computer and make digital copies and get rid of the bulk. I keep records for a year, in paper, and it fills up a space of about 6"*6". Less than a shoebox. All my tax records fit in a standard business-sized envelope.

I have little patience for people who won't alleviate their own pain, and choose to abandon commitments instead. Install a cabinet, digitize docs, do something.

Hang on CWMI, not so simple


I was married to one of these. No discussion means no discussion. WW3 would break out if you rolled up up your sleeves to actually solve the problem.