hobbies and POJA - 06/11/13 03:01 AM
My H would like to pursue his hobbies but I can't agree enthusiastically. We can't come to an agreement. He says I'm practically preventing him from ever being creative and he can't see a way of obtaining my agreement. He would be very happy to agree to me doing my hobbies in return, but I have lost interest in the hobbies I've had and now only want to do things with him, so I don't need his "tit for tat". We are also having trouble finding RC activities we can do together.
Background:
My H likes to be creative in art and has developed hobbies of woodworking and photography (he also spends time in a darkroom developing them) over the years, before we started MB this year. He also went climbing which I tried once but found too scary and mountain hiking while I stayed at home and babysat. I didn't know if I would like hiking and also thought I wasn't fit enough to do the hikes he wanted to do. He never asked because he had the impression I wasn't interested. Then there was the problem of finding a babysitter and costs.
Over the 25 years of our M I have become very, very resentful about him going off to have fun, leaving me to babysit and being lonely. RC is one of my top 5 EN. Independent behaviour of my H is the biggest LB for me. (and discovering his dishonesty this year).
My H and all our friends can't understand why I can't agree to him doing some hobbies. It looks to them like I'm very egoistic. One should be able to have some individual hobbies and not have to spend every spare minute doing things as a couple, is what they say.
Since I have lost interest in all my hobbies, I have none to give up, whereas my H has lots to give up, if doing them depends on my enthusiastic agreement, plus he might have to give up climbing if I can't get to like it. I have already reluctantly agreed to him taking photos if it can be combined with us having a walk. It's a compromise because I still loose the time it takes to develop them (he works in the darkroom) but I felt mean for taking all his fun out of his life.
Today he wanted to go to a woodworkers workshop for 2 hours. He didn't directly ask for my agreement, saying "he was hoping to go to the meeting", because he knows I can't give it enthusiastically. So he circumvented the issue by not asking directly.
At first I went along with it but the closer it got to the time of him leaving, the more annoyed I felt. I had not asked him to do any RC activity with me or our dd this afternoon because I was under the impression that he had lots of some paid work to finish. Now it looked like he had enough time spare to go to his hobby meeting, although the work he could have done in those 2 hours would have to be done in the evenings.
It looked to me that I was loosing out twice: once while he was at the woodwork meeting and once when he finished the paid work in the evening that he could have done during the time he was at the woodwork meeting. The only reason for me to agree was to be kind and generous to him, as there is no benefit in it for me or our relationship. My H asks if I expect to spend every spare minute doing things together, as he disagrees. He still wants to do some creative things. So we also disagree on how his off-work times should be spend.
Am I just being selfish? Should the POJA be applied to hobbies as well?
There is also the problem that even if he agreed to spend this afternoon doing things with me, (inst. of paid work or hobby meeting), we wouldn't know what to do. We have UA scheduled tonight for 1.5h. We go for a walk while our dd is at sports practice. So he could reason that our UA is tonight and he should be able to do his hobby this afternoon.
My love bank is very low and I get easily discouraged. So my thoughts this afternoon about our marriage are very dark and despondent. It will affect how I feel during UA tonight. My H isn't very happy either because he missed out on his woodwork meeting.
Background:
My H likes to be creative in art and has developed hobbies of woodworking and photography (he also spends time in a darkroom developing them) over the years, before we started MB this year. He also went climbing which I tried once but found too scary and mountain hiking while I stayed at home and babysat. I didn't know if I would like hiking and also thought I wasn't fit enough to do the hikes he wanted to do. He never asked because he had the impression I wasn't interested. Then there was the problem of finding a babysitter and costs.
Over the 25 years of our M I have become very, very resentful about him going off to have fun, leaving me to babysit and being lonely. RC is one of my top 5 EN. Independent behaviour of my H is the biggest LB for me. (and discovering his dishonesty this year).
My H and all our friends can't understand why I can't agree to him doing some hobbies. It looks to them like I'm very egoistic. One should be able to have some individual hobbies and not have to spend every spare minute doing things as a couple, is what they say.
Since I have lost interest in all my hobbies, I have none to give up, whereas my H has lots to give up, if doing them depends on my enthusiastic agreement, plus he might have to give up climbing if I can't get to like it. I have already reluctantly agreed to him taking photos if it can be combined with us having a walk. It's a compromise because I still loose the time it takes to develop them (he works in the darkroom) but I felt mean for taking all his fun out of his life.
Today he wanted to go to a woodworkers workshop for 2 hours. He didn't directly ask for my agreement, saying "he was hoping to go to the meeting", because he knows I can't give it enthusiastically. So he circumvented the issue by not asking directly.
At first I went along with it but the closer it got to the time of him leaving, the more annoyed I felt. I had not asked him to do any RC activity with me or our dd this afternoon because I was under the impression that he had lots of some paid work to finish. Now it looked like he had enough time spare to go to his hobby meeting, although the work he could have done in those 2 hours would have to be done in the evenings.
It looked to me that I was loosing out twice: once while he was at the woodwork meeting and once when he finished the paid work in the evening that he could have done during the time he was at the woodwork meeting. The only reason for me to agree was to be kind and generous to him, as there is no benefit in it for me or our relationship. My H asks if I expect to spend every spare minute doing things together, as he disagrees. He still wants to do some creative things. So we also disagree on how his off-work times should be spend.
Am I just being selfish? Should the POJA be applied to hobbies as well?
There is also the problem that even if he agreed to spend this afternoon doing things with me, (inst. of paid work or hobby meeting), we wouldn't know what to do. We have UA scheduled tonight for 1.5h. We go for a walk while our dd is at sports practice. So he could reason that our UA is tonight and he should be able to do his hobby this afternoon.
My love bank is very low and I get easily discouraged. So my thoughts this afternoon about our marriage are very dark and despondent. It will affect how I feel during UA tonight. My H isn't very happy either because he missed out on his woodwork meeting.