I love marriage builders, I don't like my husband - 09/28/15 03:58 AM
Here comes the "novel".
I am extremely familiar with MB principles, I listen to the show every day, I have read his needs her needs, countless articles from the website, Love Busters, I'm reading he wins she wins. I even taught the small group DVD study of His Needs Her Needs at my church. I love and believe in these principles and concepts. However, it takes two to tango.
My husband has a history of emotional and verbal abuse and neglect. He has made efforts to change that are obviously difficult for him to maintain, therefore, he slips back into the same old stuff after he thinks I'll lay off. He's naturally mean and selfish (judgments, I know). We have three young children (8,5, and 3), I am responsible for majority of the household responsibilities (bills, children, homework, errands, household maintenance, etc) I go to school and was working P/T until 2 bulging discs and back arthritis forced me to quit working until my back issues are resolved. I live in pain now. I also suffer with chronic migraines. For my husband, it has never mattered if I was medically affected from these things or C-sections or anything. He treats me the same no matter what. Anything I ask, no matter how little it is or how desperate my need, 9 times out of 10, he's exasperated or aggravated that I ask. When I mention this to him, he acts like I'm crazy and there's no way he acts like that. His angry outbursts have improved, but used to bring terror to me. He has cursed me in front of our children, threw an unopened coke can across the kitchen, through the sheetrock. I've had to patch sheetrock in our home several times. If he feels like being nice, he's nice , if not, look out. When he starts getting mean towards our children, they look at me to try to calm him. Things have improved, but a day of no incidents is ruined by an angry attitude caused by a passing driver that may have cut him off. Our conversations are boring, forced, or when I try to talk more to give him more or opportunities to respond. He's usually lacking. He is generally unpleasant to be around. He's the guy that always complains about something at the restaurant, not just at the table, but to the waitress and staff. He even got written up at work for simply being arrogant, boastful and unpleasant to work with, despite being knowledgeable and no performance complaints. My sister once told me that she played a game with us even though she didn't want to so I wouldn't have to face his wrath over not getting his way. I have fought for our marriage, we've gone to 3 marriage counselors (only 2 were any good) Before finding MB, I had left bc of neglect once and abuse the second time, never with the intent of divorce. The neglect leaving was in the spirit of "you want to live like you're single, ok, have a taste" the second was for my health, I was on the verge of a panic attack constantly, never felt rested or relaxed, constant headaches, etc. Once I found MB, I hoped I found the answer. The program made perfect sense. He seemed on board, at first. But when the rubber met the road, he flaked out. I'm sick of fighting for our marriage, I'm sick of feeling like I'm alone or the only one willing to work and make our relationship a priority. I'm sick of begging him for care or kindness. I tried to warn him of all this. I don't know what else to do. I'm considering emotionally divorcing until I finish school so I can prepare for a separation, then divorce. Please, any advice or in sight would be most appreciated.
I am extremely familiar with MB principles, I listen to the show every day, I have read his needs her needs, countless articles from the website, Love Busters, I'm reading he wins she wins. I even taught the small group DVD study of His Needs Her Needs at my church. I love and believe in these principles and concepts. However, it takes two to tango.
My husband has a history of emotional and verbal abuse and neglect. He has made efforts to change that are obviously difficult for him to maintain, therefore, he slips back into the same old stuff after he thinks I'll lay off. He's naturally mean and selfish (judgments, I know). We have three young children (8,5, and 3), I am responsible for majority of the household responsibilities (bills, children, homework, errands, household maintenance, etc) I go to school and was working P/T until 2 bulging discs and back arthritis forced me to quit working until my back issues are resolved. I live in pain now. I also suffer with chronic migraines. For my husband, it has never mattered if I was medically affected from these things or C-sections or anything. He treats me the same no matter what. Anything I ask, no matter how little it is or how desperate my need, 9 times out of 10, he's exasperated or aggravated that I ask. When I mention this to him, he acts like I'm crazy and there's no way he acts like that. His angry outbursts have improved, but used to bring terror to me. He has cursed me in front of our children, threw an unopened coke can across the kitchen, through the sheetrock. I've had to patch sheetrock in our home several times. If he feels like being nice, he's nice , if not, look out. When he starts getting mean towards our children, they look at me to try to calm him. Things have improved, but a day of no incidents is ruined by an angry attitude caused by a passing driver that may have cut him off. Our conversations are boring, forced, or when I try to talk more to give him more or opportunities to respond. He's usually lacking. He is generally unpleasant to be around. He's the guy that always complains about something at the restaurant, not just at the table, but to the waitress and staff. He even got written up at work for simply being arrogant, boastful and unpleasant to work with, despite being knowledgeable and no performance complaints. My sister once told me that she played a game with us even though she didn't want to so I wouldn't have to face his wrath over not getting his way. I have fought for our marriage, we've gone to 3 marriage counselors (only 2 were any good) Before finding MB, I had left bc of neglect once and abuse the second time, never with the intent of divorce. The neglect leaving was in the spirit of "you want to live like you're single, ok, have a taste" the second was for my health, I was on the verge of a panic attack constantly, never felt rested or relaxed, constant headaches, etc. Once I found MB, I hoped I found the answer. The program made perfect sense. He seemed on board, at first. But when the rubber met the road, he flaked out. I'm sick of fighting for our marriage, I'm sick of feeling like I'm alone or the only one willing to work and make our relationship a priority. I'm sick of begging him for care or kindness. I tried to warn him of all this. I don't know what else to do. I'm considering emotionally divorcing until I finish school so I can prepare for a separation, then divorce. Please, any advice or in sight would be most appreciated.