Here comes the "novel".
I am extremely familiar with MB principles, I listen to the show every day, I have read his needs her needs, countless articles from the website, Love Busters, I'm reading he wins she wins. I even taught the small group DVD study of His Needs Her Needs at my church. I love and believe in these principles and concepts. However, it takes two to tango.
My husband has a history of emotional and verbal abuse and neglect. He has made efforts to change that are obviously difficult for him to maintain, therefore, he slips back into the same old stuff after he thinks I'll lay off. He's naturally mean and selfish (judgments, I know). We have three young children (8,5, and 3), I am responsible for majority of the household responsibilities (bills, children, homework, errands, household maintenance, etc) I go to school and was working P/T until 2 bulging discs and back arthritis forced me to quit working until my back issues are resolved. I live in pain now. I also suffer with chronic migraines. For my husband, it has never mattered if I was medically affected from these things or C-sections or anything. He treats me the same no matter what. Anything I ask, no matter how little it is or how desperate my need, 9 times out of 10, he's exasperated or aggravated that I ask. When I mention this to him, he acts like I'm crazy and there's no way he acts like that. His angry outbursts have improved, but used to bring terror to me. He has cursed me in front of our children, threw an unopened coke can across the kitchen, through the sheetrock. I've had to patch sheetrock in our home several times. If he feels like being nice, he's nice , if not, look out. When he starts getting mean towards our children, they look at me to try to calm him. Things have improved, but a day of no incidents is ruined by an angry attitude caused by a passing driver that may have cut him off. Our conversations are boring, forced, or when I try to talk more to give him more or opportunities to respond. He's usually lacking. He is generally unpleasant to be around. He's the guy that always complains about something at the restaurant, not just at the table, but to the waitress and staff. He even got written up at work for simply being arrogant, boastful and unpleasant to work with, despite being knowledgeable and no performance complaints. My sister once told me that she played a game with us even though she didn't want to so I wouldn't have to face his wrath over not getting his way. I have fought for our marriage, we've gone to 3 marriage counselors (only 2 were any good) Before finding MB, I had left bc of neglect once and abuse the second time, never with the intent of divorce. The neglect leaving was in the spirit of "you want to live like you're single, ok, have a taste" the second was for my health, I was on the verge of a panic attack constantly, never felt rested or relaxed, constant headaches, etc. Once I found MB, I hoped I found the answer. The program made perfect sense. He seemed on board, at first. But when the rubber met the road, he flaked out. I'm sick of fighting for our marriage, I'm sick of feeling like I'm alone or the only one willing to work and make our relationship a priority. I'm sick of begging him for care or kindness. I tried to warn him of all this. I don't know what else to do. I'm considering emotionally divorcing until I finish school so I can prepare for a separation, then divorce. Please, any advice or in sight would be most appreciated.

The advice i would give is to prepare for separation.
Don't say anything to him about your plan.

Have you tried the program with an accountability coach? Have you counseled with the Harley's at all?

I would give him the option to do the program with a coach. To encourage him to do this you need to tell him what is in it for him. He will not want to work a program that he views as an attempt to change him, but he may want do one that results in happiness all around and peace in his life.

Meanwhile, clean up your side of the street. You say you know this program and have called out your own disrespectful judgements, but then went on to make a bunch more. Stop it. You don't get a pass to be abusive to him just because he is abusive to you.

I wanted to second what unwritten said. Living with this so long changed my self talk, how I talked to my kids, all of it. When you eliminate the DJs it kicks that voice out of your head and makes the next steps so clear. You are going to need the confidence and boost in strength for the next steps. You don't need to ever DJ to rail for the changes you and your family deserve.

If his angry outbursts are as bad as you describe, then you need to separate now, not later. "Emotionally divorcing" him will only make things worse.

If I were you, I would separate immediately. I would require him to have at least a year in anger management before I would consider living with him again. And I would require that he go through the online MB program with me, where he would be accountable to a coach and Dr. Harley.

I would also stop my own lovebusters. Speaking from experience, even though your husband is abusing you, your DJs and Demands just make things worse. Life will be better for you when you can speak calmly and matter-of-factly about the problems rather than resorting to abuse yourself.

If he will not do these things for you, btw, then he's not worth keeping.

Thanks for all your advice! I know there were DJs in there, I guess it was a good thing, though unintended, to help get better feedback by giving a more appropriate show of both sides of our problems. I appreciate the "realness" of the responses. I have considered doing the online accountability course, I really was thinking on it hard this morning before I got to everyone's responses. I'd be lying if I didn't say he hasn't improved significantly, but I'm sure some can understand how one occasional step backwards can affect the ability to move forward after so much hurt. It's just hard to keep chugging along sometimes. Thanks all!

Please do not ignore what I've told you about getting a separation NOW. The man has put holes in the walls. Although "things have improved," the slightest provocation can set him off.

He is not safe for you to stay with.

The main focus right now needs to be for him to eliminate his angry outbursts. "Things have improved" is not good enough.

You need to set the bar high and separate, and THEN you can talk about the online program.

I think that Dr. Harley would encourage you to separate first, then work on the online program.