New here, this is my first post.

I'm 33, husband is 39. We have been married for 1 month.

My husband and I dated for a few months things were great we are perfectly matched in every way, including sexually. Then he broke things off. He said I wasn't his "type"

Admittedly I am a bit over weight, 5'7" 175lbs. I am extremely sexual and have never been with a man that couldn't keep his hands off of me.

6 months later we reconnected, things were amazing! Again perfectly matched, even in bed.

We were married a little more than a month ago. And since we got married sex is....awkward. We communicate very well. So we've discussed it and he says that he's not sexually attracted to me. He's deeply in love with me, he thinks I'm beautiful...I'm just not his "type" ( he's use to dating stick figures )

Now I'm working on the weight thing, I eat right, I work out 5 days a week, its slow but progressive. I've also had two children and I'm having a tummy tuck in a few months to solve the belly problem ( which is big for him ).

So here is my question... How do I get past this..because honestly It is killing my self esteem! My husband is gorgeous, sexy, in my eyes crazy hot! I always want him, I want to touch him, be near him, have sex with him, everything! And he is close to me, he is always reaching for me, cuddling with me..rarely initiates sex though. I feel like he has to force himself to have sex with me. He would rather watch porn and get off than have sex with me.

I love this man, and I know that he loves me. I would do anything I had to do, to make sure we have a long successful marriage. But how do I stop feeling so crappy about myself? I used to be so happy with myself. And now I can't even look in a mirror without crying.

Any advice?

He has got to stop using porn. What does he say when you ask him to do this?

He knows he has a problem with it, we've discussed it. And he agrees and says that he doesn't want to. And he tries not to watch it. It has slowed down a lot. He's very open and honest with me about everything. And he feels awful about the way this is making me feel. So in return I feel bad that he feels bad.

It doesn't matter how much weight you lose, or what kind of surgery you get, but your husband will never desire you as long as he views porn. He is experiencing what is called the "Contrast Effect."

The porn must go. Feeling bad about it is not enough. Will he stop?

Read: The Scourge of Pornography

Give him a couple of months following that policy, where he cannot have any sexual experience without you (no porn, no masturbation, etc), and see how long it takes for him to desire you.

But he's doing it to himself! It's not your fault he's looking at porn.

Tell him this is not enough - it has to stop if he is going to be married to you.

What you have to do is tell him he can't keep you if this goes on. Lay it all on the table and go for broke: either the other women go, or you go. This is the only way you can possibly get a successful marriage out of this.

I know that the porn is an issue, and so does he, and he does try not to watch it or masturbate. Since we first discussed this it has slowed to about once maybe twice a week. And I have a hard time telling him he can not do it at all or telling him its the porn or me because I admittedly watch porn myself at times. I don't have a problem with the porn watching..I have a problem that he would rather do that than be with me.. and I also don't see tell him I'd leave him over it, because I wouldn't. As I said other than this one issue, our relationship is amazing.

Maybe the porn is so important that you would be willing to tolerate a husband who doesn't find you attractive? Is the porn that important? It may be. Some people would rather watch porn than have a good marriage. And that is an option you have.

No..It't not important, at least not to me. I just don't see how him not watching porn will make him attracted to me. I mean its either there or it isn't...right?

If he knew it made you unhappy wouldn't he want to quit it? When I do something that makes my husband unhappy I stop doing it because my marriage is very important to me.

Are you concerned he will not quit if you ask?

He is trying to quit. He has an addiction to it..and like I said, He was watching all the time.. daily. and it has slowed to maybe once or twice a week. and hes honest with me.. I'll ask if hes watched it and he tells me when he does.

I might add that he works days and I work nights, sometimes 18 hours a day 7 days a week. My job is very demanding and I am not home much.

Did you think it was ODD tthat Markos knew immediately that your H watched porn? It is because watching porn CAUSES the husband to find his wife unattractive. It is a classic symptom.

The reason he is not attracted to you is because you are competing with 18 year old hard bodies. As long as there is a contrast effect in addition to his masturbation, he won't view you in an attractive light.

The solution is to quit it altogether and remove the source of the porn. Telling you when he does it is worthless. He just needs to stop.

The solution to any addiction is to STOP and remove the source of the high.

Then how to stop? He uses the internet everyday, he works from home. When he gets the urge it will be right there in front of him. It's not like being an alcoholic or a drug addict where you can just remove yourself from the temptation.

Of course he could get a job where he is not working from home on the internet, however, there are many, many software programs that are password protected that can block any porn on the computer.

if you work nights, wouldn't that mean you are home during the day with him?

Here is one that another one of our members used: http://www.covenanteyes.com/

I sleep days, get up shower and head back to work. We also have 5 children.

The porn is making it impossible for him to sexually enjoy his wife. That is what porn does.

When the seminal vesicles are full the man's sex drive is at its peak. On average they take about 72 hours to fill. Since he is emptying his all the time, his sex drive will be very low.

If he were to follow Dr. Harley's policy of sexual exclusivity, never having a sexual experience except with you, his sex drive would be higher all the time and you would be his only chance for fulfilling that drive.

Are both of you the parents of all of the children, or are some of them from previous relationships or marriages? Tell us about the previous relationships, if any - sometimes it's important.

Here are some good radio clips from Dr. Harley on this.
Dr. Harley on the Scourge of Pornography

Me 35 with 2 children, husband 40 with 3 children. Married for 2 years.

In the beginning, obviously wonderful. My husband now says that he has never been in love with me, but that he does love me. He also has told me that he has never been physically attracted to me.

Over the past 6 months we have stopped having sex and I know he's not cheating. He married me because I was a good choice. Pretty, educated, financially stable, and a good mother. Had he told me that he was not in love or attracted to me, I wouldn't have married him.

And now I feel stuck. I don't know if I should stay or leave. I am still in love with him, but we have no connection now, no sex which is killing me, and I'm starting to resent him. Let me say. Other than him not loving me or wanting me. He's a great father, and partner. He wants to stay married because he wants the companionship. I need more. I am at a loss, I have no idea what to do.

What happened with the marriage? This is a very young marriage. Has he ever had an affair in the past? The things he says all indicate he is having an affair. Do you know who it would be with?

" he has never been in love with me, but that he does love me"

This is an indication that he has a new point of comparison. Do you have any idea would that would be?

I went back and read your past posts and see this has a been a problem since the first month because of his porn addiction. Is that still the case?

Do you spy on him?

The porn issue was an excuse. A cover up. He didn't want to tell me that it was just me. And of course I spy on him. No porn, and he isn't involved with anyone else. We are both on GPS so we always know where the other is, we always have kids with is, he works from home. In his mind this is how a marriage is suppose to be. We are just suppose to be companions. Raise kids pay bills. That's it.

Threads merged. Please stick to one thread.

A 40 year old man with no desire for sex with a wife he thinks is pretty? I don't buy it. He either has very low testosterone (has that been checked?) OR he's getting it somewhere.

BTW, having a GPS that he knows about is not good enough. Your snooping methods need to be secret.

I am 100% certain that he is not cheating. And yes. He's been checked. It's not a problem there.

Why are you 100% sure? What spying techniques do you have in place?

As he has told you this, and does not seem to be putting in the effort to give you a marriage that is satisfying to you (he himself seems to be well catered for), why do you stay?

He is very well taken care of, in every way. I stay because I keep hoping it will change. I know how stupid that sounds. But also his boys are attached to me and my daughter is very attached to him as well. I worry about how the kids will handle it if we divorce.

I smell an affair.

The only way I would believe there was no affair was if you had been quietly snooping with a VAR, GPS, spyware on devices for at least a month.

Agreed.

The fact that he's had his testosterone checked and it's normal makes me even more certain. A 40 year old married man with a pretty, willing wife does not go without sex unless there is a new point of comparison. He's getting it somewhere.

How do you know that he wasn't using pornography?

I am sorry to say that marrying him was a huge mistake. Do you want to stay with someone who married you because he appreciates the friendship and family commitment needs you meet? Or do you want a faithful husband who desires you, and seeks no other?

There are many too many factors about porn that stimulate the brain in ways you can't. The numerous contrasts of porn-self-sex vs partner sex, will leave you in the dust. Your husband is an addict. Addicts love their habit more than anyone or anything else. Not all men are porn addicts. But your husband is a porn addict because he loves the conditions of porn self-sex. That makes him a terrible sexual and marriage partner. If you didn't like Sex so much, how much effort would he make to get you in the mood?

He told you prior to marriage that he CAN'T/WON'T stop. That he is an addict. He wont say it like this, but in reality, you are just one of thousands of choices at the "24 hour all-you-can-eat buffet".


So that's the question. Your husband has told you that he CAN'T and WON'T stop.

You already know that being desired and having exclusive partner sex is very important for you to feel happy in a relationship. Having walked in your shoes, my advice is to get this marriage annulled and be clear with all of the children about the reason why. Tell them all that you thought he would cut off outside sex, masturbation, and seeking other women once you were married, but he didn't. Let them know that this is NOT A MARRIAGE.

He needs zero porn and zero alternative sexual stimulation to put him into the category of marriage material. And meeting his other needs is an unfair exchange for a sham of a marriage. You are young enough that there is still time to find someone without a marriage-wrecking addiction. Being alone is better than being torn up.

Kris, I must have misread because I thought you'd been married for only a month when in fact is 2 years. In that case, annulment was a bad suggestion and separation is a better option. However, as others have suggested, you need to snoop first to see if there is an affair in addition to the porn addiction.

Did you move into his house, or did he move into yours? How did you start living together?

I am concerned that you were here posting over a year ago, about your husbands porn addiction and its affect on your relationship. You got very good advice from posters about this. Your attitude seemed to be nonchalant about the porn, and instead you took the blame for your husband's lack of sexual desire for you. Then you abandoned your thread.

What has changed since then. Did you make it a requirement to stay married to you for him to quite using porn forever? Did he agree to this? How do you monitor this? Does he have software to block porn on his computer?

You STILL seem to want to take the blame for this, even though you have not been clear about whether he has abandoned porn usage 100%, for how long, or how you KNOW he is not having an affair, something you seem very certain of.

You say you stay because you have hope that this can change. It CAN change. You CAN have an amazing marriage. But it doesn't happen by taking all the blame, ignoring a porn problem, ignoring the possibility of an affair, and abandoning your lifeline for help for over a year.

You are being majorly gaslit here, I am sorry to say.