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Originally Posted by Kris881
I know that the porn is an issue, and so does he, and he does try not to watch it or masturbate. Since we first discussed this it has slowed to about once maybe twice a week. And I have a hard time telling him he can not do it at all or telling him its the porn or me because I admittedly watch porn myself at times. I don't have a problem with the porn watching..I have a problem that he would rather do that than be with me.. and I also don't see tell him I'd leave him over it, because I wouldn't. As I said other than this one issue, our relationship is amazing.

The porn is making it impossible for him to sexually enjoy his wife. That is what porn does.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by Kris881
I just don't see how him not watching porn will make him attracted to me.

When the seminal vesicles are full the man's sex drive is at its peak. On average they take about 72 hours to fill. Since he is emptying his all the time, his sex drive will be very low.

If he were to follow Dr. Harley's policy of sexual exclusivity, never having a sexual experience except with you, his sex drive would be higher all the time and you would be his only chance for fulfilling that drive.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by Kris881
I sleep days, get up shower and head back to work. We also have 5 children.

Are both of you the parents of all of the children, or are some of them from previous relationships or marriages? Tell us about the previous relationships, if any - sometimes it's important.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Here are some good radio clips from Dr. Harley on this.
Dr. Harley on the Scourge of Pornography


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



#2893779 02/02/17 02:32 PM
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Me 35 with 2 children, husband 40 with 3 children. Married for 2 years.

In the beginning, obviously wonderful. My husband now says that he has never been in love with me, but that he does love me. He also has told me that he has never been physically attracted to me.

Over the past 6 months we have stopped having sex and I know he's not cheating. He married me because I was a good choice. Pretty, educated, financially stable, and a good mother. Had he told me that he was not in love or attracted to me, I wouldn't have married him.

And now I feel stuck. I don't know if I should stay or leave. I am still in love with him, but we have no connection now, no sex which is killing me, and I'm starting to resent him. Let me say. Other than him not loving me or wanting me. He's a great father, and partner. He wants to stay married because he wants the companionship. I need more. I am at a loss, I have no idea what to do.

Kris881 #2893780 02/02/17 02:41 PM
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What happened with the marriage? This is a very young marriage. Has he ever had an affair in the past? The things he says all indicate he is having an affair. Do you know who it would be with?

" he has never been in love with me, but that he does love me"

This is an indication that he has a new point of comparison. Do you have any idea would that would be?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2893781 02/02/17 02:43 PM
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I went back and read your past posts and see this has a been a problem since the first month because of his porn addiction. Is that still the case?

Do you spy on him?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2893782 02/02/17 02:46 PM
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The porn issue was an excuse. A cover up. He didn't want to tell me that it was just me. And of course I spy on him. No porn, and he isn't involved with anyone else. We are both on GPS so we always know where the other is, we always have kids with is, he works from home. In his mind this is how a marriage is suppose to be. We are just suppose to be companions. Raise kids pay bills. That's it.

Kris881 #2893784 02/02/17 02:47 PM
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Threads merged. Please stick to one thread.

Ariel #2893795 02/02/17 04:10 PM
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A 40 year old man with no desire for sex with a wife he thinks is pretty? I don't buy it. He either has very low testosterone (has that been checked?) OR he's getting it somewhere.

BTW, having a GPS that he knows about is not good enough. Your snooping methods need to be secret.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Prisca #2893804 02/02/17 04:53 PM
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I am 100% certain that he is not cheating. And yes. He's been checked. It's not a problem there.

Kris881 #2893808 02/02/17 05:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Kris881
I am 100% certain that he is not cheating. And yes. He's been checked. It's not a problem there.
Why are you 100% sure? What spying techniques do you have in place?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Kris881 #2893809 02/02/17 05:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Kris881
Had he told me that he was not in love or attracted to me, I wouldn't have married him.
As he has told you this, and does not seem to be putting in the effort to give you a marriage that is satisfying to you (he himself seems to be well catered for), why do you stay?


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His PA 2003-2006
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SugarCane #2893811 02/02/17 05:12 PM
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He is very well taken care of, in every way. I stay because I keep hoping it will change. I know how stupid that sounds. But also his boys are attached to me and my daughter is very attached to him as well. I worry about how the kids will handle it if we divorce.

Kris881 #2893824 02/02/17 06:59 PM
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I smell an affair.

The only way I would believe there was no affair was if you had been quietly snooping with a VAR, GPS, spyware on devices for at least a month.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2893830 02/02/17 07:30 PM
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Originally Posted by SusieQ
I smell an affair.

The only way I would believe there was no affair was if you had been quietly snooping with a VAR, GPS, spyware on devices for at least a month.

Agreed.

The fact that he's had his testosterone checked and it's normal makes me even more certain. A 40 year old married man with a pretty, willing wife does not go without sex unless there is a new point of comparison. He's getting it somewhere.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Kris881 #2893846 02/02/17 08:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Kris881
The porn issue was an excuse. A cover up. He didn't want to tell me that it was just me.
How do you know that he wasn't using pornography?


BW
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His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Kris881 #2893882 02/03/17 10:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Kris881
He is very well taken care of, in every way. I stay because I keep hoping it will change. I know how stupid that sounds. But also his boys are attached to me and my daughter is very attached to him as well. I worry about how the kids will handle it if we divorce.

I am sorry to say that marrying him was a huge mistake. Do you want to stay with someone who married you because he appreciates the friendship and family commitment needs you meet? Or do you want a faithful husband who desires you, and seeks no other?

There are many too many factors about porn that stimulate the brain in ways you can't. The numerous contrasts of porn-self-sex vs partner sex, will leave you in the dust. Your husband is an addict. Addicts love their habit more than anyone or anything else. Not all men are porn addicts. But your husband is a porn addict because he loves the conditions of porn self-sex. That makes him a terrible sexual and marriage partner. If you didn't like Sex so much, how much effort would he make to get you in the mood?

He told you prior to marriage that he CAN'T/WON'T stop. That he is an addict. He wont say it like this, but in reality, you are just one of thousands of choices at the "24 hour all-you-can-eat buffet".

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Is the porn that important? It may be. Some people would rather watch porn than have a good marriage. And that is an option you have.

So that's the question. Your husband has told you that he CAN'T and WON'T stop.

You already know that being desired and having exclusive partner sex is very important for you to feel happy in a relationship. Having walked in your shoes, my advice is to get this marriage annulled and be clear with all of the children about the reason why. Tell them all that you thought he would cut off outside sex, masturbation, and seeking other women once you were married, but he didn't. Let them know that this is NOT A MARRIAGE.

He needs zero porn and zero alternative sexual stimulation to put him into the category of marriage material. And meeting his other needs is an unfair exchange for a sham of a marriage. You are young enough that there is still time to find someone without a marriage-wrecking addiction. Being alone is better than being torn up.







DidntQuit #2893889 02/03/17 11:37 AM
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Kris, I must have misread because I thought you'd been married for only a month when in fact is 2 years. In that case, annulment was a bad suggestion and separation is a better option. However, as others have suggested, you need to snoop first to see if there is an affair in addition to the porn addiction.

Did you move into his house, or did he move into yours? How did you start living together?


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I am concerned that you were here posting over a year ago, about your husbands porn addiction and its affect on your relationship. You got very good advice from posters about this. Your attitude seemed to be nonchalant about the porn, and instead you took the blame for your husband's lack of sexual desire for you. Then you abandoned your thread.

What has changed since then. Did you make it a requirement to stay married to you for him to quite using porn forever? Did he agree to this? How do you monitor this? Does he have software to block porn on his computer?

You STILL seem to want to take the blame for this, even though you have not been clear about whether he has abandoned porn usage 100%, for how long, or how you KNOW he is not having an affair, something you seem very certain of.

You say you stay because you have hope that this can change. It CAN change. You CAN have an amazing marriage. But it doesn't happen by taking all the blame, ignoring a porn problem, ignoring the possibility of an affair, and abandoning your lifeline for help for over a year.

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