How to Separate - a million questions :( - 12/08/15 08:00 AM
History:
I'm the Wife, Married 31yrs in Jan. "dated" 2yrs prior
No EA's or PA's either side just AO's and DJ's by H which have since stopped thanks to MB material.
No DC but I have been "employed" (without financial compensation) keeping the grandkid while the parents worked for past 6 years but that has ended.
At home I'm responsible for everything other than making the living. (Finances, communications via email/internet, taxes, shopping, housekeeping, etc.) H does help with dishes and can feed himself and isn't a slob.
I've been advised by Dr. WH that a separation is the next step since DH isn't really buying in to the MB program and it drains my LB when he keeps neglecting my EN's and UA.
The Dr advised me to seek legal council prior to the separation to avoid any issues with finances. He also stated that since the AO's have stopped, I can take my time and plan but that I should be prepared to stay away for up to a year. That still leaves many questions unanswered for me.
First, I don't know that it will stop LB withdrawals. It is hurtful to me to think that my H has pushed me to this place where I must leave to try to wake him up and that it's likely to get ugly before it gets better if it ever does.
I've tried to list the other concerns and keep explanations simple.
Finances: Do I get a job first? What do I tell the employer or do I just look for temp jobs? How do I get started without financial help? (Or do I use the nest egg funds. I hate to use this but see no other way.)
Transportation: We have a truck with no payment and a car with a payment. I prefer to drive the car so would likely take enough cash to make the payments for up to a year.
Housing for me and pony: This is the biggest stress to me. Yes I know paupers aren't supposed to have "expensive" pets...but I don't want to leave the pony in his care and she is very dear to me. I also abhor the thought of living in the city. I don't mind a commute though. I'd like my own living space even if Spartan and small. I am accustomed to spending time alone and have specific dietary needs.
Work: Again...how do I get a decent job if I don't know how long I'll be there and how do I know how much I'll need to make to support myself?
Location: I'm considering a town that's 1 and 1/2 hours from our home. Is this too far to facilitate reconciliation? I live in a smallish town and don't think it would help the situation to live locally and job opportunities are scarce here.
How involved/uninvolved in H life: I assume I would leave it all to him....finances, shopping, paying bills, etc. Should I not contact him or he contact me?
Timing and procedure: Should I keep all this quiet until everything is in place and leave when he's not here? Leave a letter as in plan b? (It seems the only info I find on separation in MB is for infidelity or AO's.)
Emotional Support/Friends/Asking for help: Should I network to find a good work and living situation for myself? I hate advertising to the world that we're having problems but do have some older friends that could be very helpful finding a good safe place to live and/or work. If I do network to help me become independent I'm supposing I should only mention it to other women? (I have a few male friends but have been careful not to discuss personal info with them.) I am NOT looking for a OS relationship and with Gods help will never do so again if this one doesn't work!) The only person that knows I'm considering leaving is my Sis. Some trusted folks at church know he's had issue with AO's but not many and not details. (I only mentioned it once.) When and what do I tell the "kids". (Working adults)
Thanks in advance for any insight.
I'm the Wife, Married 31yrs in Jan. "dated" 2yrs prior
No EA's or PA's either side just AO's and DJ's by H which have since stopped thanks to MB material.
No DC but I have been "employed" (without financial compensation) keeping the grandkid while the parents worked for past 6 years but that has ended.
At home I'm responsible for everything other than making the living. (Finances, communications via email/internet, taxes, shopping, housekeeping, etc.) H does help with dishes and can feed himself and isn't a slob.
I've been advised by Dr. WH that a separation is the next step since DH isn't really buying in to the MB program and it drains my LB when he keeps neglecting my EN's and UA.
The Dr advised me to seek legal council prior to the separation to avoid any issues with finances. He also stated that since the AO's have stopped, I can take my time and plan but that I should be prepared to stay away for up to a year. That still leaves many questions unanswered for me.
First, I don't know that it will stop LB withdrawals. It is hurtful to me to think that my H has pushed me to this place where I must leave to try to wake him up and that it's likely to get ugly before it gets better if it ever does.
I've tried to list the other concerns and keep explanations simple.
Finances: Do I get a job first? What do I tell the employer or do I just look for temp jobs? How do I get started without financial help? (Or do I use the nest egg funds. I hate to use this but see no other way.)
Transportation: We have a truck with no payment and a car with a payment. I prefer to drive the car so would likely take enough cash to make the payments for up to a year.
Housing for me and pony: This is the biggest stress to me. Yes I know paupers aren't supposed to have "expensive" pets...but I don't want to leave the pony in his care and she is very dear to me. I also abhor the thought of living in the city. I don't mind a commute though. I'd like my own living space even if Spartan and small. I am accustomed to spending time alone and have specific dietary needs.
Work: Again...how do I get a decent job if I don't know how long I'll be there and how do I know how much I'll need to make to support myself?
Location: I'm considering a town that's 1 and 1/2 hours from our home. Is this too far to facilitate reconciliation? I live in a smallish town and don't think it would help the situation to live locally and job opportunities are scarce here.
How involved/uninvolved in H life: I assume I would leave it all to him....finances, shopping, paying bills, etc. Should I not contact him or he contact me?
Timing and procedure: Should I keep all this quiet until everything is in place and leave when he's not here? Leave a letter as in plan b? (It seems the only info I find on separation in MB is for infidelity or AO's.)
Emotional Support/Friends/Asking for help: Should I network to find a good work and living situation for myself? I hate advertising to the world that we're having problems but do have some older friends that could be very helpful finding a good safe place to live and/or work. If I do network to help me become independent I'm supposing I should only mention it to other women? (I have a few male friends but have been careful not to discuss personal info with them.) I am NOT looking for a OS relationship and with Gods help will never do so again if this one doesn't work!) The only person that knows I'm considering leaving is my Sis. Some trusted folks at church know he's had issue with AO's but not many and not details. (I only mentioned it once.) When and what do I tell the "kids". (Working adults)
Thanks in advance for any insight.