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Joined: Aug 2015
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ShineOn Offline OP
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History:
I'm the Wife, Married 31yrs in Jan. "dated" 2yrs prior
No EA's or PA's either side just AO's and DJ's by H which have since stopped thanks to MB material.
No DC but I have been "employed" (without financial compensation) keeping the grandkid while the parents worked for past 6 years but that has ended.
At home I'm responsible for everything other than making the living. (Finances, communications via email/internet, taxes, shopping, housekeeping, etc.) H does help with dishes and can feed himself and isn't a slob.

I've been advised by Dr. WH that a separation is the next step since DH isn't really buying in to the MB program and it drains my LB when he keeps neglecting my EN's and UA.

The Dr advised me to seek legal council prior to the separation to avoid any issues with finances. He also stated that since the AO's have stopped, I can take my time and plan but that I should be prepared to stay away for up to a year. That still leaves many questions unanswered for me.

First, I don't know that it will stop LB withdrawals. It is hurtful to me to think that my H has pushed me to this place where I must leave to try to wake him up and that it's likely to get ugly before it gets better if it ever does.

I've tried to list the other concerns and keep explanations simple.

Finances: Do I get a job first? What do I tell the employer or do I just look for temp jobs? How do I get started without financial help? (Or do I use the nest egg funds. I hate to use this but see no other way.)

Transportation: We have a truck with no payment and a car with a payment. I prefer to drive the car so would likely take enough cash to make the payments for up to a year.

Housing for me and pony: This is the biggest stress to me. Yes I know paupers aren't supposed to have "expensive" pets...but I don't want to leave the pony in his care and she is very dear to me. I also abhor the thought of living in the city. I don't mind a commute though. I'd like my own living space even if Spartan and small. I am accustomed to spending time alone and have specific dietary needs.

Work: Again...how do I get a decent job if I don't know how long I'll be there and how do I know how much I'll need to make to support myself?

Location: I'm considering a town that's 1 and 1/2 hours from our home. Is this too far to facilitate reconciliation? I live in a smallish town and don't think it would help the situation to live locally and job opportunities are scarce here.

How involved/uninvolved in H life: I assume I would leave it all to him....finances, shopping, paying bills, etc. Should I not contact him or he contact me?

Timing and procedure: Should I keep all this quiet until everything is in place and leave when he's not here? Leave a letter as in plan b? (It seems the only info I find on separation in MB is for infidelity or AO's.)

Emotional Support/Friends/Asking for help: Should I network to find a good work and living situation for myself? I hate advertising to the world that we're having problems but do have some older friends that could be very helpful finding a good safe place to live and/or work. If I do network to help me become independent I'm supposing I should only mention it to other women? (I have a few male friends but have been careful not to discuss personal info with them.) I am NOT looking for a OS relationship and with Gods help will never do so again if this one doesn't work!) The only person that knows I'm considering leaving is my Sis. Some trusted folks at church know he's had issue with AO's but not many and not details. (I only mentioned it once.) When and what do I tell the "kids". (Working adults)


Thanks in advance for any insight.


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ShineOn Offline OP
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I need to correct something under the "Location" paragraph. I don't live in town. I live in the country but where we go to church and H works in is a nearby small town.


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You need to see an attorney to discover your options.

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Shineon, a couple of thoughts. I would see an attorney and make sure you are legally protected when you move out. Hopefully, you can take the money you need for support and continue getting his support until you find a viable occupation.

After you move to your new place, you can get a good job.

How will you care for the pony if you live an hour away? I would consider selling the pony to someone who will be in a position to care for him. You are not in a position to take him with you and you can't be sure he will cared for at your home. You may never be back either.

I think it is a good idea for you to move to the place where you are most likely to thrive with a new job. You may never reconcile so you need to be prepared to support yourself.

Quote
I should be prepared to stay away for up to a year

You do understand that you may never be back if your husband doesn't make a dramatic change, right? The goal is not to be away for a year, but to stay away for at least a year until your husband makes those changes. If he doesn't make those changes, then you don't reconcile. You would move on.

I would most definitely tell your kids and close friends what is going on. They will eventually find out, so you want to make sure they have the facts. You also need your friends for moral support.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Consider moving somewhere that you wouldn't mind living forever. Dr H talks a lot about environment and habits and often mentions moving as a good option for troubled marriages. Your marriage and your H have some really bad, entrenched habits and I would seriously consider changing your environment even if you reconcile.

People routinely get jobs and only stay a short amount of time. I would never mention to any prospective employer that you may only stay a year. Find a job that you think you might get enjoy. There is no reason that you would have to quit even if you reconcile.

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ShineOn Offline OP
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Thanks Apples123, MelodyLane and Coffeegirl for the input. I will talk to an attorney. Any suggestions on how to find a good one? (One that's honest?)

May I ramble a moment? I have no one else I can share this with. There are some specific questions near the end if anyone wants to comment on one or all.

As ironic as it sounds, I have wanted us to sell and move (but not while in a state of conflict) in order to be debt free. Even though this house is relatively new, it wasn't supposed to have a mortgage but it does because we couldn't negotiate properly when we built it. The place we were living was an apartment in a shop building that had mold and other issues so we had to do something. We were there 8 years so had plenty of time to plan but didn't and not because I didn't try. H fights most things that are "my" idea. I also dislike his job that requires way too much of his time and now his health but he hangs on for the good income and he feels there is nothing else he can do that pays more than minimum wage.

We've had separate bedrooms for years due to his schedule and health issues. Attempts to discuss these two matters in the past have lead to AO's and DJ's from him. He claims to have "given up" trying to make me happy and that that has been his goal and focus the whole time. I believe him but when he doesn't listen to me or feels my "needs" require too much from him....then what?

I just feel so conflicted about the whole thing. It seems H is trying but still playing mind games but sadly, he plays them on himself too. frown H Has long standing issues with being honest. Not a born liar...just hates to disappoint people or "loose face"

Recently he said he had a lot of bitterness to get through from my years of "working against him" when he tried to "farm" where we live now. While I'm glad he was honest about his feelings, I reminded him how I'd worked right beside him fixing fence and clearing brush and how I gave him part of the proceeds from selling a pony after he threw a fit about it. In prev. years I worked PT and did the pony thing which he said was ok with him. When we moved, H and his partner, a family member, had cows. I was never consulted on any of the deals or plans but did offer my suggestions...a mistake because I wasn't asked so I guess he felt I was "against" him.

Then I asked him if he remembered taking vacation time to work on the farm instead of enjoy himself. I mentioned his "business partner" not doing things he said he would or the way he said he would and leaving all the work to my H. I asked again what I did that didn't support him. He backed down, never naming anything in particular and the conversation was generally polite and nice but still I am accused of being the cause of his problems...of "our" problems. (He would deny this statement but in conversations about making changes, it comes up time and again.)

He also said I needed to work on myself too and that I wasn't innocent. I know I'm not and have told him that. I've also apologized at different times through the years and tried to "fix" things but it's never enough. I have read many books (to his NONE) about how to communicate, etc and I am not an emotional fighter but try to rise above petty things and really work on issues with honesty and openess. He's the one that's blocked me out.

I feel like a person that's been starved for years then someone I dislike offers to be my friend in exchange for a good meal. I don't want to be close to someone I can't trust but I'm starving....for affection, kindness, appreciation, conversation, hope, plans for the future.

Even though I see some progress it seems to be costing me a lot emotionally....but I could live with that if I knew it would continue to improve....maybe. Then again I feel like I'm playing two roles, wife and psychiatrist. I was really at the end of my rope when we started the program and had decided the only answer I could come up with was to move out...but even that is so stressful. It really runs the LB balance into the red. frown I also wonder if me leaving will discourage him so much he just says "it's no use trying". H can be very negative. In fact, I actually think he may be depressed.

He is nice to me by doing small things for me but I wonder if it's too little too late. Maybe I'm not giving it enough time? I feel like an ungrateful wretch but then he knows my EN and the UA time requirement and doesn't prioritize them. In fact, we've not even been getting one lesson done per week in the MB program. I'm tired of having to bring it up, even though he is usually nice about it when I do. (After I had a talk with him telling him I'm not pushing and if it's not important to him then we won't do it but I wanted us to do it because I felt it was the last chance.)

BUT THEN there's the flip side.

I can continue to live here, enjoy my pony and other hobbies and play house keeper, cook and book keeper in exchange for room and board. (Treating it like a job really.) But it's so hard being around him, knowing he's the man that's supposed to love and cherish me and feeling neglected by him, not to mention that I promised myself I'd never let him have another AO at me or be disrespectful. I'm not sure I'll ever trust him again yet I long to feel safe emotionally. I guess I could trust him if I saw that he was really working on himself and did so until habits changed but I don't see that happening or at least not any time soon.

Please someone tell me, will it be easier if I leave? Will I be happier? How? I feel like Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde wanting to love him but feeling contempt much of the time for what he's put me through. I feel like he tried (and nearly succeeded) in destroying me emotionally.

I've wondered about moving out into a cabin (or similar structure) I build/buy and put here as there is plenty of space. (Over 100ac) While I really don't want to know when he's coming/going and such, it would allow me to not worry about the pony for the time being but focus on housing and a job then move farther away if simply moving out didn't work to wake him up to actually focus on our marriage.

Should I mention anything about moving out to him? Would that just be a "threat" or would it be a nice way of breaking it to him that he can get serious or I'll go? Where's the window of opportunity in that for him to work on himself while I'm gone then work on our marriage? It sounds more like a divorce is in the works rather than a separation for help and healing. Should I offer to treat the house chores like a job and also like a job, be able to resign and move elsewhere if I choose?

The kicker? Neither of us has been unfaithful. I'm sure that will be the first thought in everyone's mind and the next will be that a "Christian" wouldn't just leave for "nothing"." I'm amazed when I see how many people are abusive in their relationships and think it's OK.

Wow...if you've read this far...thanks for listening. Encouragement and insight are appreciated.


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Originally Posted by ShineOn
l.
We were there 8 years so had plenty of time to plan but didn't and not because I didn't try.
You can decide you want to stay in this situation, or you change something. Marriagebuilders gives you a plan. If you follow the plan, you will either end up recovering your marriage, or divorced and personally recovered.

If you change nothing, nothing will change.


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