My wife's past is coming back to haunt me.... - 04/16/19 05:42 PM
I will start out by saying I have been with my beautiful wife for 24 years and been married for 18. I met my wife when I just turned 15 years old. She was 16 fixing to turn 17. I am 39 now and She is turning 41. She was the first serious relationship I've ever had through JH and beginning of HS. We were however, 4 years apart in school. I was not the smartest guy in school. We started to be active with each other 3 months in. She was my first. 6 months in she got pregnant with our child. Yes, here we are today years later and happy.
It was not too long into our relationship her past was brought up. When we used to go out to different places we would see an ex and let's say she would not shy from telling anyone what happened. A few times she would let slip that someone slept with her and left. Or would boast about the size of an ex. The next year's leading up to our marriage we would argue frequently about the things she said, things I heard from her or her sister that she is close to that knew about something. It was tough. When I used to ask how many guys she was with she would not elaborate on anyone other than saying IDK about 8 or 9. Since those days after marriage I long forgot about her past until 1 night about 7 mo. ago. Little did I know this night would change my thought process and anxiety levels to this day. One night after great intimacy we were talking and I don't know why I thought of it but I asked her, who was her first. She told me. Then I asked her how many guys she was with since she never told me before. She told me 5 guys. She told me the names and pretty much a short version of the WWWW&H. All of a sudden my body turned to mush and anxiety through the roof. Fast forward several months of weight loss, anxiety, and the constant urge to ask about every little detail, I was a mess. When asked she told me all that she could remember.
I was angry, upset, emotional, and just plain disgusted and I had no idea why.
You would think after learning 5 guys instead of 8 or 9 would be better. It wasn't. Look, after learning just about 99% of the details surrounding my wife's past she was not kinky or did anything experienced. She did have sex in places other than the bedroom which makes It worse but It was just sex. My brain was a mess. She told me that 3 of them were just 1NS. The other 2 were actual hook up boyfriends. I just couldn't believe that my wife when she was 15 years old through the time she met me at almost 17 she was with 5 other guys. Here is other issue with my obsession. I began to stalk her FB page and get more involved. What I found was an ex boyfriend from JH who is married with children who I knew she was friends with would have birthday comments such as I miss those days etc and that would set me off more. After finding out who these guys were, I knew there names and faces. I was scrolling in a particular post where a pic was posted with her and her and her friends and a remincing commenced. I was involved in the convo with them. Then I saw 1 of the 1NS guys who was tagged by another friend started commenting. My wife indirectly was replying to his comments. Nothing terrible. The problem was that she knew who he was. My feeling is I was played as a fool being involved in a convo with him.
Then the worst thing of all I found was on her FB messenger. Yes I stalked that too. Another pic was posted which I was not involved. Her other girl friends invited her to the side convo. Let me tell you, I will not elaborate on what they mentioned about their own past however, when I saw my wife chime up she spoke about how she wished she had sex with the ex that she dated through JH and HS. She also asked her friend who she was with the same night she was having sex with another guy. I get it, it was a convo between the girls. That is not something a husband should see. She never deleted before then. I was crazy. A loose cannon. I was pissed. I was not only dealing with the new details of her past sex partners now dealing with those words coming from the live of my lifes mouth. It's like she never changed from the things she used to say.
Since then we have talked a lot about it all. She has told me she was very sorry and didn't mean any of those things. She was just one upping with the girls. She has also told me that none of those guys meant anything. It was just sex. She said she was insecure after rejection and decided it was the only way to get the guys to like her. I was still confused because she had 3 1NS. Look the first one she really wanted a relationship and he never gave her the TOD. I get it.
Today, I can say that I still think about it all the time but is not nearly as bad as it was. I don't talk to her or ask anymore questions. But I still feel terrible. I never thought this would grab hold of me like it did. My wife has told me everything she can remember. She does not like talking to me about her past because she gets embarrassed with me. I'm not going to lie some of the things she cant remember still play a number on me. As silly as it sounds she cant remember the old car she had sex in with an ex. It kills me. Now it's like I never want to look at an old car again because it comes to mind could it have been this kind. I know it's ridiculous but some of this seems so uncontrollable.
I know my wife is faithful and loves me to death. I loved her to death. I would never leave her over her past. It's just hard to get this out of my mind. Me never having sex before her was hard. Every time she talks to a friend on FB or she mentions someone it's like I wonder if they know. I wonder if they were there. She did have a ton of fun during JH and HS. I do get jealous because of that. I never made it as far as her. I dropped out to support our child. She had already had her sex filled drunken good times out of her system.
Bottom line I'm still jealous, I'm still insecure about myself, im still upset about the things she said in convo 5 years ago on FB , and I just want to get back how I was 7 mo. ago. Not bothered by this, confident, and happy.
Look I understand that the past is the past. I've heard the get over it speeches. I even saw a counselor that was not really helpful. I'm sharing this to get advice. I'm sharing this to get other people's opinions. I will NEVER leave my wife however, I look at her differently at the moment and She knows it. I don't want her to feel different because of my actions.
Thanks
It was not too long into our relationship her past was brought up. When we used to go out to different places we would see an ex and let's say she would not shy from telling anyone what happened. A few times she would let slip that someone slept with her and left. Or would boast about the size of an ex. The next year's leading up to our marriage we would argue frequently about the things she said, things I heard from her or her sister that she is close to that knew about something. It was tough. When I used to ask how many guys she was with she would not elaborate on anyone other than saying IDK about 8 or 9. Since those days after marriage I long forgot about her past until 1 night about 7 mo. ago. Little did I know this night would change my thought process and anxiety levels to this day. One night after great intimacy we were talking and I don't know why I thought of it but I asked her, who was her first. She told me. Then I asked her how many guys she was with since she never told me before. She told me 5 guys. She told me the names and pretty much a short version of the WWWW&H. All of a sudden my body turned to mush and anxiety through the roof. Fast forward several months of weight loss, anxiety, and the constant urge to ask about every little detail, I was a mess. When asked she told me all that she could remember.
I was angry, upset, emotional, and just plain disgusted and I had no idea why.
You would think after learning 5 guys instead of 8 or 9 would be better. It wasn't. Look, after learning just about 99% of the details surrounding my wife's past she was not kinky or did anything experienced. She did have sex in places other than the bedroom which makes It worse but It was just sex. My brain was a mess. She told me that 3 of them were just 1NS. The other 2 were actual hook up boyfriends. I just couldn't believe that my wife when she was 15 years old through the time she met me at almost 17 she was with 5 other guys. Here is other issue with my obsession. I began to stalk her FB page and get more involved. What I found was an ex boyfriend from JH who is married with children who I knew she was friends with would have birthday comments such as I miss those days etc and that would set me off more. After finding out who these guys were, I knew there names and faces. I was scrolling in a particular post where a pic was posted with her and her and her friends and a remincing commenced. I was involved in the convo with them. Then I saw 1 of the 1NS guys who was tagged by another friend started commenting. My wife indirectly was replying to his comments. Nothing terrible. The problem was that she knew who he was. My feeling is I was played as a fool being involved in a convo with him.
Then the worst thing of all I found was on her FB messenger. Yes I stalked that too. Another pic was posted which I was not involved. Her other girl friends invited her to the side convo. Let me tell you, I will not elaborate on what they mentioned about their own past however, when I saw my wife chime up she spoke about how she wished she had sex with the ex that she dated through JH and HS. She also asked her friend who she was with the same night she was having sex with another guy. I get it, it was a convo between the girls. That is not something a husband should see. She never deleted before then. I was crazy. A loose cannon. I was pissed. I was not only dealing with the new details of her past sex partners now dealing with those words coming from the live of my lifes mouth. It's like she never changed from the things she used to say.
Since then we have talked a lot about it all. She has told me she was very sorry and didn't mean any of those things. She was just one upping with the girls. She has also told me that none of those guys meant anything. It was just sex. She said she was insecure after rejection and decided it was the only way to get the guys to like her. I was still confused because she had 3 1NS. Look the first one she really wanted a relationship and he never gave her the TOD. I get it.
Today, I can say that I still think about it all the time but is not nearly as bad as it was. I don't talk to her or ask anymore questions. But I still feel terrible. I never thought this would grab hold of me like it did. My wife has told me everything she can remember. She does not like talking to me about her past because she gets embarrassed with me. I'm not going to lie some of the things she cant remember still play a number on me. As silly as it sounds she cant remember the old car she had sex in with an ex. It kills me. Now it's like I never want to look at an old car again because it comes to mind could it have been this kind. I know it's ridiculous but some of this seems so uncontrollable.
I know my wife is faithful and loves me to death. I loved her to death. I would never leave her over her past. It's just hard to get this out of my mind. Me never having sex before her was hard. Every time she talks to a friend on FB or she mentions someone it's like I wonder if they know. I wonder if they were there. She did have a ton of fun during JH and HS. I do get jealous because of that. I never made it as far as her. I dropped out to support our child. She had already had her sex filled drunken good times out of her system.
Bottom line I'm still jealous, I'm still insecure about myself, im still upset about the things she said in convo 5 years ago on FB , and I just want to get back how I was 7 mo. ago. Not bothered by this, confident, and happy.
Look I understand that the past is the past. I've heard the get over it speeches. I even saw a counselor that was not really helpful. I'm sharing this to get advice. I'm sharing this to get other people's opinions. I will NEVER leave my wife however, I look at her differently at the moment and She knows it. I don't want her to feel different because of my actions.
Thanks