We got married 1 1/2 years ago...he lived 3 1/2 hours from me but moved to my place the night before we got married. He was going to long haul and come home on weekends. Only he never got paid. So he quit that job and came home (to me) and five days later he got a job offer back in his old city, so he moved back, got his old place back. He was going to work there during M-F and coming home on weekends. He started his own business a few months ago, it didn't work out, it left us heavily in debt, we had to remortgage my home to pay off the indebtedness because we couldn't even afford the monthly payments on everything. He's been really tired and wasn't sleeping well, it would take him from the time he got home to the time he went to work (or so he said) to get enough sleep, and he still didn't feel refreshed...yet at my house he seemed to sleep better. About a month ago he was diagnosed with depression and the doctor told him stress was causing it and his sleep problems. It was a good two months ago he stopped talking to me in the evening and I noticed he never called me from his trailer, only from his car on his way to work. About a month ago I came right out and asked him if he had someone living with him, a girlfriend, someone taking care of him, that he didn't want me to know about, because I'd noticed changes in his behavior...no calls from home, less contact, etc. He said, "NO!" even kind of laughing it off like I was crazy. But I still felt something wasn't right, things weren't adding up. Anyway, back on June 3, he calls me from work, he'd borrowed his boss' phone to tell me his cell phone quit working (so I wouldn't expect to hear from him?). After we hung up, I remembered I had an extra phone in my desk, so I called my son to have him watch our pets, and after I got off work, I drove up to his trailer, thinking we'd go out to dinner, have a snuggle, and I'd make the long trek back in the morning. The surprise was on me! I open up the trailer, and lo and behold, he has someone else living with him! Everything of hers is unpacked, in the closets, drawers, she had her clothes and tons of cosmetics in every nook and cranny of the place. In the middle of the bed was KY jelly. On the table was some viagra-like herbal stuff (it said the bottle contained 3 but there was one missing). I was furious! I can't even explain the shock I felt, the betrayal! I felt like my whole world came spinning to an end. I called and left messages for him (they were out). First I threw all of her stuff out the door, then I packed it neatly in bags. After several hours, he came back, she was in his car waiting, he loaded up her stuff and drove her across town to her friend's. He said she'd been leaving anyway. Right. Whatever. It was four hours from the time I got there to the time he finally showed up to talk with me (without her). He expressed remorse, said he hadn't thought I'd find out, that it was nothing...he has Erectile Dysfunction, said he wanted to see if it would work better with her...said it didn't, it was worse with her. Whatever happened to just talking to a doctor? He said it was embarrassing. Oh, but it's not embarrassing to not get it up with another woman? He satisfied her with her toys and she never could get anywhere with him. But he LIVED with her for a good month, and he never even lived with me! She obviously didn't clean, she's 9 years younger than me and a size 5, so I guess that's all she has to do...she had her little Sensual Aromatherapy and candles and flowers out all over the place. It ticks me off! He even had the nerve to let her use MY helmet when he took her for a ride on OUR Harley! In the month of May he only came home and spent three nights with me, but he was with her night after night.
I hate to get a divorce when we haven't even lived together, I feel like we haven't even gotten to make it work yet. I feel it's all so unfair because HE made all of the decisions...he COULD have stayed with me after his boss didn't pay him and filed unemployment and had six months to find a new job, he didn't have to take a job back at his old place. When I'd offered to move up to his city when I was out of work (before we married) he didn't want me to, he said he didn't think I'd be happy there and anyway he loved my place, he wanted to locate to me, not the other way around. HE made the decision to go into business, HE made the decision to ditch the business, HE made the decision to cheat on me, I am sick of him calling all the shots and me living with the devastating consequences.
He has sworn he would have no further contact with her and he wasn't in love with her...he said originally he'd let her and her boyfriend stay with him when they were in a pinch (but he never mentioned it to me...why?) and the boyfriend started slapping her around so he was told to leave...so...as I put it, he took advantage of her? He said for her it was about self-esteem...she didn't care that he was married...so he can boost her self-esteem at MY expense? I don't understand anything, I am confused, I'd like to save my marriage, but right now I feel so overwhelmed. He won't go to counseling, and he has a reading/writing disability so books are out. I've talked with him about the material I've read on line here from Dr. Harley. I've read so much I'm not sure how much I can even absorb. He is looking for work in my area now but now there are no jobs...the economy has gotten way worse in the last year. I need him home with me but I can't pay all the bills. I don't know what kind of a marriage is even possible with him, I love him, but I don't think I'll ever feel the same again. It bothers me terribly that he could disregard me to this extent. He's shown remorse, cried (which I'd never seen him do, didn't even know he COULD do), and seems to be working on effecting changes, but this is all so hard. I am exhausted from all of the effort and I know it's only just begun. Reading all of the other posts makes me just want to lay down and give up. I feel much like I did when my late husband suddenly passed away, forever changing everything in my life...yet I somehow made it through that, it took over two years to make it through to the point where I knew I'd be okay...this feels just like that. And I feel angry at the injustice of it all, I've been a great wife, trying to be understanding and patient and supportive, and this is what I've gotten for it. He says it's not about me, it's his problems, yet it AFFECTS me, and I feel unwilling to let him continue to adversely affect me with HIS problems. I want to save my marriage, I want to live with him and at least SEE if we can make it work...do we even have a prayer of a chance?

KC,

You mentioned a son. How many children do you have?

How long were you married the first time before your H passed?

How long did you date this man before you married him? Where did you meet?

KC

i would recommend you copy and past your story on to GQII. There is more traffic by some of the more senior ppl over on that forum than here. I am sorry you are going through this, but welcome you have found a place with lots of help to offer you.

I am fairly new myself only been around for 8 months now and i wish i could tell you everything would be ok. Hopefully some of the vets will be around soon.

Stronger,

This forum has vets and many "Senior vets" on it. KayC "just found out" about the A. So this is a proper place for her to be. OnlyUcan has been around quite a while and there will probably be others that will see her post.

KC,

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry you have a need to be here. Please read up on the tools that MB has available and keep posting. MB can be a great source for restoring your M. There are some outstanding people here that can help guide you through this rollercoaster ride.

Blessings.

S&C

Thanks S&C. I think STB and I were posting at the same time.

Just waiting to get a little more information from KayC, hence the questions.

KayC,

Let us know how you are doing and you'll get lots of help. Even from people who are freshly going through this on the JFO forum. I have seen pearls of wisdom come from these people and they probably don't even realize it because it's right from the heart of how they are dealing right now in the middle of it.

S&C excuse me i must have been posting the same time as onlyucan. SO i diddn't see the response prior to mine being posted. I do not appreciate the way you responded i was only trying to help out KC. so EXCUSE ME.

STB4,

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be offensive. It can be confusing for someone that is new to be asked to repost to a forum that wasn't created to handle thier issue. JFO was created for those that have just found out about their spouses affair. And there are plenty of experienced people that hang out there.

And I didn't take into account that you and OnyUcan may have posted at the same time. I know that sometimes that can change the contents of a post.

Please accept my apologies.

S&C

GQII is the busiest forum on this site and Kay would be well advised to post over there. GQII is more than capable of Helping someone who has just found out.

Kay - you could also ask a Mod to move your thread to GQII if you like..... Just click on the notify button at the bottom of this post and request the mods to move it. Your choice of course.

KC,

It seems like you are ok with books so lets start with you.

As soon as you can, pick up a few books. Surviving An Affair, His Needs/Her Needs, (Both by Dr. Willard Harley), Torn Asunder by Dave Carder.

These books will help you understand what seems to be impossible to figure out. These books pull together lots of the stuff you will find on this website.

There are other tools besides books for your H. Some helpful books are available on audio tape and CD if he has a hard time reading.

Does he have any friends or family that would help encourage him to go to a Marriage "Coach". Or are there other people in your lives that could be of some influence over him?

Continue to read here and and keep posting. I know it can be overwhelming, it's lot to handle. It's best to treat it like the old addage; "How do you eat an elephant? one bite at a time." It won't be fixed over night, so it's sometimes good to take it slow and deliberate.

Try to get a good nights sleep so you're rested.

Blessing to you.

S&C

Kay,
I'm here. I've found your posting. Let these others help you. They know how to guide you to the right arena and to the right books to make you feel whole again. Any time...contact me and we can chat.

KayC,

Sorry you find yourself in need of this site, but welcome.

Something bothers me deeper than the A "affair".

The timeline of your M is 18 months? That is way too short for a M to suffer infidelity.

You have never really lived together in that period. Is it possible you are finacial support for a man who never had any intention on being a true husband?

You now have an additional mortgage. You have assisted in the purchase of a HD motorcycle?

The funding of his short lived business? what was the timeline for all that, type of business, etc...

Not to shot down your hope of M. I suspect this man never planned on you being more than a source of money.

I think you need to consider protecting yourself and your family from your WH.

A surprise return visit in a few weeks might turn up results simular to the previous.

Protect yourself financially today. No joint accounts, cut off his access to your money, etc..

Tell him the bike has to go due the debt "you" are suffering. Not to mention a man struggling to make ends met, should not have "toys".

See a lawyer.

-JKT

Thank you all for your replies, I was away from the computer this weekend so I just read them. I was married for 23 years to my kids' dad (they are grown, in their 20s) and then we divorced. I remarried and was extremely happy, and it lasted 3 years and 8 months and he suddenly died of a heart attack. I remarried to a friend of his, but they are nothing alike...I knew that, but he presented himself quite differently to me before we married...we were together about 1 1/2 years before we married. He hasn't seemed himself lately, I don't know if it's mid-life or what, but I miss the man that was my best friend, that I married.
I am still trying to figure out how to post...I don't know what you are talking about with the other place you want this switched to.
This weekend we brought his trailer home and he decided to get out of the trailer park (that's where all the drama has been)...since he lives too far away to commute, he's found a place to stay with a former boss that I dearly love. Meanwhile, he's looking for work in my area, but unemployment is high, it may take a while. We did a lot of talking, a lot of it was very uncomfortable for us and painful, but necessary. I think we both feel better having gotten it aired (I prefer honesty even if it hurts), but I am having problems with "triggers" setting me off...I cry, can't sleep, can't eat, am having super problems with anxiety, even though I'm on medication (I am going to increase from 2 x day to 3 x day). I have explained to him (he suffers from anxiety/depression/stress) that the best way to relieve his stress situation is by being open and honest and having a clean conscience, that lies are very stressful to keep straight and adds to guilt feelings. His bimbo (I don't want to call her his other woman) is practically stalking him, we've talked about getting a restraining order, that's one of the reasons he wanted to move out of the park, she won't leave him alone...she pried the lock off the door and stole his car keys and went through the trunk of his car (where he keeps important papers)...he caught her closing it and confronted her, they had a big fight. Someone else told him that she is HIS "business partner/girlfriend" and he'd been in prison for identity theft...we are wondering if she isn't up to something like that. She told my husband she was moving to (my town)...I'm not sure if she was just trying to get a rise out of him or what. She called my office, pretending to be someone else and lied to him about it. We spent hours and hours this weekend changing passwords, etc., canceling credit cards, alerting fraud departments, etc. just in case. He picked a real winner. I think he's learned a lot, at least I can only hope. Right now I feel so exhausted from everything, I've slept 8 hours in the last three nights. I don't know how people live through all this, but it seems very, very similar to what I went through before when my late husband died...the grief phases. I have "His Needs, Her Needs", I also have "Surviving an Affair"...his material is very good. I am a little overwhelmed, there is so much, and I'm so tired. Trying to save a marriage is hard work!
Thank you all for your responses, I appreciate them.

Hey KC,

Weekends are sometimes slow anyway. Don't worry about where to post. The people that are interested in helping you will find you here. No need to relocate this thread.

Getting him out of a place that's unhealthy for your M is a very good move. Unfortunately, triggers are a part of this roller coaster ride. And many people are like you in that they prefer to hear the truth even if it's hard to hear over lies and deception.

With regards to your meds, just make sure you are doing what the Dr. instructs you to do. My Dr. had me taking Ambien so I could sleep.

With the stuff the OW has done it seems that a RO is in order. That way the courts can help with NC. The courts don't like their orders being disobeyed.


The grief process in any kind of devastation is pretty much the same.

The thing with the books to for you to learn about the tools you will use to restore the M. You won't and can't use them all at once so first just get to know what they are. Then learn how to use them. Sometimes you will think that things may not be progressing fast enough, but stay patient with yourself.

You'll learn about exposure, Plan A, Plan B the Love Bank deposits, Love Busters and Emotional Needs, and a few other essential policies and rules.

Yes saving a M is hard work, and so is maintaining a M. Either way you will be learning a lot about yourself your H and amd the dynamics of good marriages. Hopefully your H will do the same.

Try your best to relax when the anxiety hits and take long slow breaths (keeps you from hyper-ventilating).

Well goodnight hope you start to sleep better.

Blessings.

S&C

It is...and you've already been through so much!

Be sure to rest and take care of yourself. It will hinder your progress if you are not getting enough sleep. You know how the mind works when we are in those "insomnia induced psychosis" moments.

Hang in there and keep coming here, even for the small stuff. We've all been through it and can be a good source of support for you.

It sounds like you physically moved the trailer out of the trailer park which is good. And it sounds like if he is temporarily living with a former boss, he will have somewhat of an accountability partner. Did you both talk to the former boss to make sure he/she knows what is going on? Especially if the OP is stalking. An RO seems to be logically in order, especially since she has a history of criminal activity.



They don't always get it the same way we do...especially during the FOG and the Withdrawal. Be consistent and patient with yourself and the process.

After you rest, read up on Dr. Harley's steps for recovery. Together you can make it through this.

Do you have ways that you can check his continued NC?

Thankyou for your replies. It is getting better...he seems dedicated to wanting to save our marriage. I have asked him to let me know if she calls or texts...to hang up if he hears her voice and ignore her texts...we may have to change his number (which is hard since he's got resumes out there) and cancel texting. Yes, this former boss is very supportive of "us". How do you serve a restraining order on someone when you don't know where they are? She "borrows" phones so the numbers are always different and she "stays with friends" so we don't know where she is, she doesn't have a job.
She has implied possible identity theft, she has stolen his spare car keys, I've told him to recode his car keys so her set won't work, and as for the ID theft, we have spent countless hours changing passwords, User IDs, canceling cards, changing pins, etc. She also said she was moving to my town (I think she's just pushing buttons, we aren't sure of her agenda but the whole situation has us unnerved). She is not in love with him nor does she think she is, nor he with her, she is criminal at best and seems a little "off". I am locking the house, vehicles, and my son is going to loan and instruct me in the use of a weapon to protect myself when I am alone. So many weird things have happened. My husband has moved from this temporary insanity of his (mid-life or whatever you want to call it) to a "protective stance" of me, which helps me tremendously. He has done a complete about face from the last couple of months, of wanting to spend as much time as possible at home with me.

Bumping thread after moving from JFO

Update:
My WH promised NC initially but OW came to see him a couple of weeks later. He moved so she wouldn't know where to find him. He says he wants our marriage and is doing everything he can to get a job in our home area so we don't have to be away during the week. he is currently staying during the work week with people supportive to our marriage and has been home every weekend since D-day.

It has been very difficult but is getting better. He's had a lot of anger which I suspect is fueled by guilt. I can clearly see he was in a "fog" but is beginning to come out of it. He still struggles with the guilt part. When he says "You make me feel guilty" I tell him no one can make him anything, that if he feels guilt he needs to deal with whatever is causing it, that I of all people can't inflict that or anything else on him. I have always felt that guilt has a purpose of bringing something to our attention that needs dealt with, but once dealt with, what we are experiencing is shame, not guilt, and it serves only to hold us down...we need to let go of it at that point and move on into our healthier lives.
One of the hard things I've had to deal with is "triggers" although that's getting better. I still don't understand how someone can do this to the person they love. He says it wasn't about me, but him...but it affects me. I don't know how you lput your self-esteem back together once it's been shattered to this extent. I know I am a valuable person that most men would die for, but it doesn't seem to mean much in light of my own husband letting someone else usurp my place. I don't know whether to term this PA or EA because he wasn't in love with her, but it was two months they were together and they didn't have sex because he couldn't, but they did "fool around". I guess it doesn't much matter what it was, it was and it shouldn't have been.
An aside, this OW was scamming him...she stole our identity and we've had to work very hard to protect ourselves. We couldn't send a NC letter because she doesn't have an address, she apparently hops around from one victim to the next. I feel we are both working together though in getting our marriage on track, which is a great improvement over the last few months.

When will he move back home? WHy is he only home weekends?

His job is 3 1/2 hours away from home. He is actively seeking employment within 1 1/2 hours away from home...that way (I commute too) we can stay near our employment TOGETHER during the week and come home on weekends. Our goal is to be together.

Is there any reason you can't all move to be near where he works?

Have you read Dr Harley's basic concepts and the infidelity FAQ's?

you really need 15 hours a week of undivided attention to be able to maintain a romantic relationship. As you are recovering from adultery you most probably need far more - more like 25 hours a week.