First Post newbie.

Been married 10 years, 2 boys 8 and 4.
We have had a lot of challenges over that time.
separation 4yrs into marriage
I had a stress/panic attack related to work
second child was born early and almost died
oldest child exhibited behavior problems in school diagnosed with NLD/adhd type symptoms last year made threats off suicide.

Last January We began seeing a therapist and behavioral pedi for son.
My wife started working and going to school last october, then shortly after trouble escalated with son I discovered she was having an affair with a co worker. She lied about the extent of it initially, but I learned it was an emotional and sexual affair. It lasted for 4-6 weeks but contact lingered/has lingered for last 8 months.
We both went to MC for a while and the MC suggested she try individual counseling based on things she had said about feelings, childhood etc. I also began IC and suspended MC. I have been devastated by discovery of the affair, but I love my wife and am committed to my marriage and building a new relationship. I have been willing and open to try and do anything. She has retreated into distance and IC saying she does not have the energy to work on our marriage and that she needs to focus on herself.
I have struggled with this, because she has continued school and focus on work. She also said that she gave this marriage 10yrs and does not feel that we are compatible.
It is hard to summarize everything but at this point she said that our relationship has run its course. I said ok we are at a crossroads we can get a divorce or commit to working on our marriage by going back to MC for 4 sessions and see what happens. I feel like we have not had the opportunity to work on our marriage and have been in limbo. She has apologized for affair, but has not committed to trying to work on our marriage. She agreed to go back to MC, only to work together on how to help kids through this time. She wants to live apart to work on herself. She says she has not forgiven herself and I have not forgiven her.
I told her that I can't continue without a commitment on her part to try to work on our marriage. She said between her own baggage and the energy required for our son that she does not have anything left for me. When I said I need more or divorce she waffles. She suggested a separation. At this point we are going to separate or divorce. That is a given. I want to stay married, but she has told me she is done. I am confused and need to stabilize my life for myself and my kids. She will not read books or sites like this or try anything I suggest, so I am alone in trying to make this work. At what point do I admit defeat to her and to myself and get a divorce?

I would ask the mods to move this over to an infidelity forum, General Questions 11, because you are not anywhere ready for divorce. There are lots of things you can be doing to save your marriage before you even consider divorce. Many of us have saved our marriages from affairs using Plan A and Plan B.

If you want some help, just click on the "notify" button at the bottom of the post and ask the mods to move your thread to GQ11. You will get lots of help there. Sorry you are here, friend.

Thanks, I asked for the move to the other forum and will start reading that topic.

gmd, I have a few questions. Does she still see the OM? Is the affair still ongoing? Who is this OM? Is he married and does his wife know? Has the affair been exposed to everyone?

Also, will you please go read this thread: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659680#Post1659680

And watch this video: How to Survive Infidelity

She met the OM at a previous job, they started having breaks together and he started texting her. I got the phone bill with over 1500 texts for 1.5 months back in Feb. I confronted, she claimed just friends that he did try to kiss but she rebuffed him. I took her phone called him and LM for him to stay away from my wife. We began MC soon after and pretty quickly the MC redirected her to individual therapy. She began a journal and I began spying on her journal, phone and email(not proud of this this). I found information that they had been sexual togther. I confronted and she admitted and told me the history up to that point. Based on what she has told me she has stopped seeing him he has a new girlfriend. I consider him a predator of people who are in a weakened state. He is a single 28 yr old she is 39. I know that she has strong feelings for him and feels rejected by him. I also know that they have had some form of contact via phone messages or email. This also fits a trauma she experienced with her step dad (some form of molestation and abandonment)
She has also stated that she would have never dated this person in a single state and that he is an alcoholic and disturbed person. Yet she has strong feelings for him and has struggled with that. She says she could not be honest with me because she did not want to hurt me any further.
I have told my family and some friends only recently and have not told her family.

They do not work in the same office any further but they are located close in the downtown area.

I have been reading this site, watched the video and ordered surviving an affair and love busters books. I believe she has stopped the affair, but she says that she does not have the energy to work on our relationship and needs space to work on herself. We presently can't afford two households, so we are doing a combo of in house separation and staying with friends/family until we can afford alternatives. I proposed this scenario to stave off divorce. I am not sure if I should be doing a plan a or plan b. Plan a feels like I am condoning her actions. Help. Also, we have agreed to check in with each other via MC every two months. Do I act nice and do stuff with her and kids or do I go dark and just do stuff with the kids on my turn. we are splitting care 50-50.

Thanks