I am a 34 y/o woman and right now I am feeling very confused and conflicted. I have been married for a little over six months and my husband and I are seperated. We dated for five years before we got married and somewhere along the way I became unhappy. I don't know if my unhappiness is because my husband can't seem to keep a job or if it is because if something else. We were engaged about five years ago but I called off the engagment after six months because he kept losing his job. Now in the last five years he has pretty much always worked but he has a habit of going from one job to another. My husband also has a habit of spending money that we don't really have on things he does not really need like electronic devices.

Last year I reconnected with an old boyfriend via the internet. At the time he was still married but has been seperated for over a year and has filed for divorce. He lives in Florida and I live in North Carolina so we are not really exactly close to each other. Not that it made a difference because I went down to Florida to see him last year in December before I got married. Things didn't go the way that I hoped they would go and basically he told me I needed to come back and work things out with my fiance. I was humiliated and hurt. I didn't talk to him for about a month and then he called me to ask my advice about something that had happened to one of his children. We started talking despite the fact that I told my husband that I was no longer speaking to him. He never asked me not to get married and secertly I had hoped that he would show up at my wedding and whisk me away. I know it sounds stupid. I got married and ended up going down to Florida to see him 3 1/2 months later. To make a long story short we started an affair that has not ended. He says that he loves me and that he wants to marry me and I don't know what to do. He married someone else and didn't want me at that time. After he was married for two years I had an affair with him and he told me at that time that he wanted a divorce but he didn't get one. After that we didn't talk for six years until I contacted him again last summer.

I don't know what I am supposed to do. It doesn't make it any easier that both my husband and the man I am having an affair with love me or say they do. I love both of them if that is even possible. There are days when I miss my husband but the thought of giving up the other guy is to much to bear. I know that I have no right to even feel this way since I am the one who had the affair. I find myself feeling depressed and crying all the time. I feel like I don't deserve either of them.

I am sure that a lot of you on this side will probably be angry with me because you have been the spouse who has been cheated on. I just need some advice on what I am supposed to do because I don't know what to do. I feel so numb inside.

First, you need to move this thread to General Questions II, it doesn't belong in Plan A/B.

Second, you need to tell your H the truth.

Nothing will work - no matter how you want it to turn out - until he knows the truth. I will also advise that you tell your parents and ask them for help, whatever you end up doing.

As far as MB is concerned, you have to establish No Contact with your lover. I don't care what you think you feel for him; if he was the right one for you, you wouldn't have gotten married, and he wouldn't have let you. Give it up before you ruin any more lives. Tell your husband, and ask for his help to help you establish No Contact. Read up here on the instructions how to do that.

You HAVE to stop seeing this man. No matter what you want or don't want, seeing him is poisoning everything.

Go to the library or book store tomorrow and get His Needs Her Needs by Steve Harley. It will be an eye opener for you.

Hi, JMW.

Your situation isn't exactly like mine in that I am a FWW and have been out of my PA since end of May, NC since June. But we are similar in that not so long ago I was unsure of what to do in dealing with my betrayal.

I came here when I was struggling with whether or not to tell my BH about my PA. Through the encouragement, tough talk, and support of the wonderful people on this site I sucked it up and did what was the right thing to do -- I confessed my PA to my BH over 2 weeks ago. You may not like the advice you get here, but you really need to take it. I am dealing with the toughest stuff right now that I've ever dealt with. I have exposed warts and things in my closet that I didn't even remember existed. I'm in very early recovery with my BH right now. And we're struggling. A lot. We may not make it, though goodness knows I'm trying. But whether or not we do, for the first time in months I can kind of sort of look at myself in the mirror, because I am finally being honest with my BH, with those closest to me, and with myself. I feel dirty and ashamed, but I am slowly trying to restore a shread of dignity by telling all.

Tell. Please do. Eventually he will find out and I promise you, the sooner is definitely the better. I have a very long thread going on here about my journey, one that started when I was still debating whether to confess and continuing through to this evening. It's under "Recovery" and is titled "Hubby Now Cares. Should I Tell of A?" Learn through my journey. You may think it doesn't apply to you now. But I promise you it will. I betrayed my then boyfriend over 16 years ago and it's now back to haunt me because I didn't admit it then.

Keep posting, listen to the very sound and proven advice you get here, read and believe Dr. H's wisdom in his books and on this site, and most importantly be COMPLETELY honest.

Take care, JMW.