I think my wife is having an affair.

First a little background. We have been married 19 years with 3 teenagers. We met when she was married to her ex and I was living with a girl. Great start, huh? Over the years we have had our ups and downs and at one point 4 years ago, I moved out for 3 months. During that time, I had a brief affair that I ended before moving back home. She has never forgiven me for that and I can understand why.
During the past few months, really since last summer when I began to notice, there have been many times when things just didn't add up right. Nothing obvious, but enough to make me go hmmm. Things came to a head about 3 weeks ago when I discovered she had a cell phone that I knew nothing about. A heated exchange followed and I spent the next 4 nights in a hotel.
Things were beginning to get a little better until last Tuesday. While getting ready to take the kids to school, her phone rang. while talking on it, she made it appear that she was talking to a girlfriend but both our daughter and I clearly heard a mans voice. A huge argument broke out and since then she has not said two words to me.
A got her phone records and there was all the evidence. Calls to and from a strange number on her days off and while i was at work. I traced the number and discovered that it was for a delivery guy at her work.
In looking back, I realized that I found this number an accident last summer and this is when the pieces started coming together.
I have not confronted her with this info just yet. I want to find out more about this guy first and just what the relationship is.
I want to save the marriage, but I'm not sure she feels the same way.
Any advice would be a big help

Hmm... the karma bus sure took its time to get around to you, didn't it?

If you want to recover your M, you need to read up on "Plan A" here. That should be your first step - practicing Plan A (which basically involves meeting your WW's top emotional needs (ENs) without any expectations of her doing the same for you.

You also need to stop all "love-busting" (LBs). Read up about that here as well.

Finally, you need to collect as much evidence as it would take to convince an onlooker that an A is taking place, then expose accordingly to everyone that can assist in some way in ending the A. This includes WW's parents, your teenage children, and HR and management at her workplace.

Thanks. What about the other mans wife? Should she know about this as well?

Most certainly!

But I have no idea how to start that conversation or even how to approach her. But misery loves company and she has a right to know

Simple. Call and say: "xxx, I'm sorry to inform you, but your husband, yyy, is having an affair with my wife, "WW". I have irrefutable proof, if you need to see it."

...and let the conversation continue after that.

I'll do that. One last thing. Should I confront him? My head says no, but my gut is telling me that I'd love to see him squirm. lol

I suggest having a blunt and to the point talk with him, but AFTER you have put your plan for ending the A into action. Doing it before gives him and your WW the opportunity to spin the story and will lessen the impact of exposure.

But the problem I have is that I DONT have irrefutable proof. Just cell phone records and opportunities for them to meet. I would love to get a picture of them together, but I dont think my marraige can wait that long.

Gary the ways to find out is with a keylogger on your computer. A voice activated recorder in her car and in your bedroom or the room she talks most in (but it must be tested for clarity). A bug on your land live phone. Or a P.I to follow her. If you confront her it could just force the affair deeper undercover.

I've done the keylogger thing already. That's how I was able to get into her cell phone records. But there is no communication at all with with, that I can see, over the net. I also cracked into her work e-mail acct. and found nothing there as well. And just to top it off, Ive put a passive GPS in her car but so far nothing.
The thing is, I want to save my marriage but this dishonesty is a major LB.
Should I approach the OMW with the limited info, and huge gut feeling that I have?
I'm choking on all the smoke, but still no fire yet.

Yes, I would tell the OMW. You are allies in this. You can compare notes as to when the spouses are missing at the same time. You can go over to her house and keylogger her computer for her and GPS his car. Or at least show her how.

Gary, thats it. GPS both their cars. Get the OMW to bring it to a garage for service and install it. If they meet at the same place same time. Bingo.

I just hung the phone up with the OMW. Wow was she ever po'd at him! I ask to meet for coffee and was refused. Also didn't want me to send her anye-mail with the evidence. Both things I guess I could understand. The only harder phone call that I can imagine when I called her was if I was on the receiving end.

But I did give her dates and times of their conversations and she has promised to both look into it on his bill and to call me back first before she confronts him. I pretty sure she was in a state of shock.

Funny thing is, their situation is almost identical to ours. married 19 years, three kids, working opposite shifts. Kinda scary.
one other side note. I called my wife on her cell and she didn't pick up. I then called back using his ID on her phone and she picked right up with a "Hey".

When she gets home in 2 hours, I'm pretty sure things are going to hit the fan.

Did you speak to her or did you hang up?

Oh we spoke. I told her all that I had. She promised to call me before confronting her husband. NOT. She called be back in an hour saying that she had talked to him and he said all he was doing was "helping a friend with a bad marriage" BS! OMW asked if he was talking to someone without mentioning WW name and he knew right away who she meant. MORE BS!

He then called me and tried to give me a song and dance. I told him that in no uncertain terms that he was to break off all contact immediatly and to get the F*** out of our lives. He agreed. We'll see about that.

Wife came home from work and boy it was on. Her screaming at me that I was imaging things etc etc and all the while, in a calm voice I kept telling her that I love her and will be here to talk when she calms down.

We had a "civil" conversation just a few minutes ago. She agreed to end it now, no more contact of any kind. She told me that all they ever did was talk on the phone and had coffee a couple of times. Right. She also agreed to MC but I want to wait awhile on that. Need to let the dust settle a bit.

Right now, do I trust her? Oh Hell no. But as she said, I had a fling 4 years ago and this was her payback. Whether it was a EA or PA, this still sucked and I have come to better appreciate what I put her through back then.

I want to save this marriage. I guess that's the main reason for even posting on this forum and getting some great advice. Today, for me the slate is even and wiped clean. now on to recovery.

Maybe.

been down this road and I may be on it again but I do want to add some to this thread.

you said you love your wife and you want to save the marriage so I would forget about keylogging, tapping, or photos, because with any of those you may see something that you cant get past. You already know she is having an A and seeing that it is close to home and has gone for months if not longer than you can guess that they have already had sex. Now it is time to decide what your stand is on the matter. Is it something that if it stopped today could you forgive har and move on, or is it something that is a deal breaker.

If its the first then you need to see how to stop it and the wife of the other man is your best start. Why fight alone when you can fight with a friend. Let the wife hit his front while you work on your wifes front. Between you and the other wife you should be able to cause a lot of damage to that realationship.

If its the deal breaker then you need to start looking for what will serve you best after it is all over. Get your proof even though it dont mean much in court anymore. Start moving assets and founds around. Start telling your kids how much you love them and stop yelling in the house. Its going to be hard to hold to the kids through all of this, but it can be done ( and no, it isnt done by pointing out that all of the blame goes to mom, because they dont care who is to blame).

I hope you can work this out but your going to need to understand how her mind is working right now. She sees him as what she wants you to be and everything he does is great, and you on the other hand cant do anything right. She is looking for reasons to justify to herself and everyone else why she should be with him and not you. Be nice to her and stop the fighting. Find a group in your area that can help ( the church is a good place to start). Remind her why she loves you and why she can grow old with you.

I missed this 2nd page before placing my post.
I think you are doing a good job on this and you may have a chance of saving it..

Good luck

Well, here is the latest update. We had a big argument over nothing today, and she has reveled that she has no feelings whatsoever for me. There doesn't seem to be much point in trying to save a marriage when then other person doesn't want to.
Seems rather pointless now.
I have wanted to try to save this, but today's revelation has really taken the wind out of my sails.

This has really gotten me down and depressed. As I look back, at all the times I've tried to repair what I had admittedly broken 4 years ago, what a waste.

it seems the only thing she wants is my paycheck to pay the bills until our youngest is out of school in 3 years. Meanwhile, I think it is time for me to move on.

I'm 45 and, while no, I'm NOT thinking suicide, my life at this moment has no direction at all. Would love to hear any advice from the board.

garyk

She's in the fog. Ignore it.

WW is going through withdrawal from OM and this type of comment is ot be expected. It CAN indicate renewed contact.

She might go on to rewrite marital history - tell you she never had any feelings for you. Ignore it all and change the subject.

The withdrawal will take some weeks if not months, assuming no contact. Longer if NC is broken.

At this point you're supposed to have Extraordinary Precautions in place to ensure no contact - her passwords, cellphone records etc.

Continue to snoop - no contact is very often broken.

You might both have to leave town or W leave her job to ensure no contact.

Have you read the infidelity articles and headline posts here and on GQ2? This is all covered there.