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seperate or stay #2565284
11/17/11 05:08 PM
11/17/11 05:08 PM
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angela4ey Offline OP
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hello i really dont know what to do, i just got married a month ago and im pregnant. before i got married i told my husband i'd only marry him if he promised not to swear, smoke weed, or drink anymore. since then he's broken every promise, hes been swearing at me everyday and whats worse is that 3 different days he just left the house after we argued and slept at his familys house and ignored my phone calls the whole day/night. ive been crying almost everyday and im really confused he says he loves me but he lies and hurts me and he doesnt even think hes wrong he just thinks im crazy. last night he even said he hopes the baby dies and then after said he didnt mean it and he hopes he dies instead for saying that. today when he left he said he wont come back ever and said really hurtful things. im thinking i should go to new jersey (where i grew up and my father is) for a while and just see if he learns a lesson. please let me know your opinion. thank you

Re: seperate or stay [Re: angela4ey] #2565316
11/17/11 06:12 PM
11/17/11 06:12 PM
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Posts: 12,357
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maritalbliss Offline
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How old are you, Angela? How old is your husband?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Re: seperate or stay [Re: maritalbliss] #2565326
11/17/11 07:17 PM
11/17/11 07:17 PM
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angela4ey Offline OP
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im 22 and hes 25

Re: seperate or stay [Re: angela4ey] #2565329
11/17/11 07:50 PM
11/17/11 07:50 PM
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Posts: 395
Wisconsin
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ItCanGetBetter Offline
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Angela,

Does he have any history of violence? Has he ever threatened you physically?
Is marijuana the only substance he is abusing? What about alcohol or other drugs?
When is your baby due?


Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
Re: seperate or stay [Re: ItCanGetBetter] #2565332
11/17/11 07:54 PM
11/17/11 07:54 PM
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Wisconsin
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ItCanGetBetter Offline
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Whoops, I reread your post. I see that you indicated he drinks. Sorry I missed that.


Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
Re: seperate or stay [Re: angela4ey] #2565342
11/17/11 08:43 PM
11/17/11 08:43 PM
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maritalbliss Offline
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angela, go home to your father and stay there. File for divorce and cut loose from this loser. You are very young. I'm sorry that you have a child who may cause you to remain in contact with your husband after you're divorced, but you'll be able to deal with that.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Re: seperate or stay [Re: angela4ey] #2565377
11/17/11 10:10 PM
11/17/11 10:10 PM
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Posts: 395
Wisconsin
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ItCanGetBetter Offline
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Originally Posted By: angela4ey
last night he even said he hopes the baby dies

Angela,
Your husband has not protected you from his emotional violence. Those words are brutal. You must protect yourself and your baby. No child should grow up hearing such frightening abuse directed at him/her self or mother.

Your child deserves to be with family who make him or her feel safe. So do you.


Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
Re: seperate or stay [Re: ItCanGetBetter] #2565469
11/18/11 11:17 AM
11/18/11 11:17 AM
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angela4ey Offline OP
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thaank you.. today he called and said we need to talk and apologized, i told him theres no point to be together unless he completely changes and he said he understands, but idk if he means it. i just wanted to clear the fact that hes not an alcoholic he just drinks sometimes but i dont like it at all, and he used to smoke weed everyday plenty of times but now its just once in a while. do u still think the same, i feel like maybe if i pray about it and since hes been goin to church maybe he'll change for the better.

Re: seperate or stay [Re: angela4ey] #2565472
11/18/11 11:29 AM
11/18/11 11:29 AM
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maritalbliss Offline
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Originally Posted By: angela4ey
thaank you.. today he called and said we need to talk and apologized, i told him theres no point to be together unless he completely changes and he said he understands, but idk if he means it. i just wanted to clear the fact that hes not an alcoholic he just drinks sometimes but i dont like it at all, and he used to smoke weed everyday plenty of times but now its just once in a while. do u still think the same, i feel like maybe if i pray about it and since hes been goin to church maybe he'll change for the better.
Churches are chock-full of alcoholics and other addicts. Please don't settle for someone who does things you hate because he warms a spot on a church bench once a week.

You don't like his drinking. You don't like the pot smoking. He should not be doing these things because they cause you unhappiness. Your husband should not be the source of your unhappiness.

I would still advise you to move back home with your dad and away from his abuse. He is attempting to manipulate you into staying with him. If he is truly serious about making changes in his lifestyle to eliminate the poison that he is bringing to your marriage and family, he'll clean up his act. He needs to do that before you should consider remaining with him.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Re: seperate or stay [Re: angela4ey] #2565478
11/18/11 11:42 AM
11/18/11 11:42 AM
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maritalbliss Offline
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Quote:
i just wanted to clear the fact that hes not an alcoholic he just drinks sometimes but i dont like it at all, and he used to smoke weed everyday plenty of times but now its just once in a while.
You are minimizing your H's actions. This will not serve you. You are trying to convince us, and yourself, that it's not 'that' bad. It IS that bad. His behavior is causing you great unhappiness! This won't do!

This is from your first post:
Quote:
before i got married i told my husband i'd only marry him if he promised not to swear, smoke weed, or drink anymore. since then he's broken every promise,
He did not respect your request to live a healthy lifestyle. He is selfishly disregarding your feelings. And he's doing it because he can. He's been doing this since the day you married.

You need to show him that you mean business now. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. He needs to be clean of all substances. He needs to get help for his anger issues. He hopes the baby dies???? Hellloooo????

Let him know that you expect him to get help for his substance abuse issues. And it IS substance abuse, angela, don't minimize it. Anyone who continues to drink and smoke, knowing their spouse doesn't want them to do so, has a substance abuse issue.

Tell him you'll consider moving back after he has demonstrated that he has gotten help for his issues and is clean. Not until then. And then DO IT. If you say these things and don't follow up with action, you'll be doing the same thing you've done all along. And that hasn't worked very well, has it.

Last edited by maritalbliss; 11/18/11 11:44 AM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Re: seperate or stay [Re: maritalbliss] #2565516
11/18/11 02:19 PM
11/18/11 02:19 PM
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Sounds to me like your husband is going from "hang out/drink/smoke/no responsibility" lifestyle to "OMG I am married/going to be a Father".

Since he has started to go to church, I would suggest that you and he sit down and talk to the pastor. At that meeting, tell him that you said you would only get married if he wouldn't swear, smoke weed, or drink anymore. Tell him that you said this because you want to be married to someone that is responsible and respectful. He agreed to this and also made promises to love, cherish, be with you in sickness and health. Tell him you would like to understand why he is not keeping his promises and that you don't want him to run away or you to run away when things get a little tough. Tell him that he and you have a baby on the way and means both of you need to act like parents.
Tell him you don't mean to act crazy (so stop whining if you are) but that the man he said he would be and the man he is are not the same (although did he stop swearing/drinking/smoking before you married him? Otherwise that may have been a red flag for you.)

If he will see the pastor and perhaps he could be persuaded to start hanging out with other family men who will be a good influence.

Re: seperate or stay [Re: maritalbliss] #2565758
11/19/11 09:40 AM
11/19/11 09:40 AM
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angela4ey Offline OP
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ok thanks for the advice, i thought about it and decided to stay and try dr harleys questionairre and read book "his needs her needs" together.. im going to see if things improve by next thursday and if not im going to leave to nj until he changes

Re: seperate or stay [Re: angela4ey] #2565776
11/19/11 10:46 AM
11/19/11 10:46 AM
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angela4ey Offline OP
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im also going to talk to our pastor with him and try to find a solution

Re: seperate or stay [Re: angela4ey] #2565828
11/19/11 12:25 PM
11/19/11 12:25 PM
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 395
Wisconsin
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Originally Posted By: angela4ey
ok thanks for the advice, i thought about it and decided to stay and try dr harleys questionairre and read book "his needs her needs" together.. im going to see if things improve by next thursday and if not im going to leave to nj until he changes


Angela, I really think you might benefit more from starting with love busters. Particularly the chapter on angry outbursts. Also read Rhea articles on this site about love busters. Especiay Dr Harleys articles about domestic violebce.

I am pretty concerned about the risk you are taking. You already know the value of your husbands promises. Getting him to make new promises is not going to be enough to keep you and your baby safe.

Take another look ar the advice from maritalbliss.

Take another look at the advice from maritalbliss.


Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
Re: seperate or stay [Re: ItCanGetBetter] #2566591
11/21/11 03:17 PM
11/21/11 03:17 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11
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angela4ey Offline OP
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okay i will love busters as well, but i dont think domestic violence applies to us, hes never hit me since we've been married.. i know im taking a risk but if theres a chance he'll become a good husband and father then i'd want that even more. i will keep you informed on what happens

Last edited by angela4ey; 11/21/11 03:28 PM.
Re: seperate or stay [Re: angela4ey] #2566634
11/21/11 03:59 PM
11/21/11 03:59 PM
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,749
Danville, Tri-State Area
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markos Offline
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angela, read the domestic violence material on this site anyway. Even if the situation does not apply to you directly, there is probably still a lot there that you need to see.

A person having an angry outburst is insane. Their outburst could escalate in ways that cannot be predicted. So domestic violence may be an issue in the future, anyway.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 15 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Re: seperate or stay [Re: angela4ey] #2566744
11/21/11 08:29 PM
11/21/11 08:29 PM
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maritalbliss Offline
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Quote:
but i dont think domestic violence applies to us, hes never hit me since we've been married.
Verbal abuse is violence, angela. I would leave my husband if he verbally abused me - I would not feel safe with him.

Has he ever hit you?

Also, understand that domestic violence escalates - it can begin as verbal violence and escalate quickly to physical violence.

Why in the world would you want to bring a sweet little baby into this sort of situation? Please consider protecting him or her by GOING HOME.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Re: seperate or stay [Re: maritalbliss] #2566822
11/22/11 02:10 AM
11/22/11 02:10 AM
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 395
Wisconsin
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ItCanGetBetter Offline
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Angela,
If you stay, and I think you shouldn't, do not confront your husband during an angry outburst. Stay clear and get out as soon as you safely can.


Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
Re: seperate or stay [Re: ItCanGetBetter] #2567232
11/22/11 03:23 PM
11/22/11 03:23 PM
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Posts: 11
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angela4ey Offline OP
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okay thanks for your advice.. before the baby is born im going to make sure he is treating me much better and if he isnt by them i will seperate from him.

Re: seperate or stay [Re: angela4ey] #2567460
11/22/11 10:15 PM
11/22/11 10:15 PM
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 395
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Originally Posted By: angela4ey
i know im taking a risk but if theres a chance he'll become a good husband and father then i'd want that even more. i will keep you informed on what happens


Be well ...and use the MB program to make the most of that chance.

Wishing you the best possible outcome.


Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
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