I have been far too busy arguing and stewing to contribute anything useful for a while. (I am nothing if not honest.)

Recovery is a daunting process, even now. At least we are agreed that we both still want to recover.

Communication seems to be the big problem. On the one hand, AJ says he wants to be my support, and to have me be able to confide in him whenever something bothers me, even if it is something that pops into my memory from the A. On the other hand, he frequently becomes angry when I try to tell him something, even if it's not an actual bothering thing. And then I don't handle that very well, though I haven't thrown vases at his head yet, as I have been tempted to do.

I don't understand what he wants from me, or how I can phrase things more delicately so he doesn't get upset, and he doesn't understand why this still bothers me so much, when he has tried so hard.

Nothing is resolved yet, though we have at least progressed to the point of having some good discussions about it. I pointed out that we are ahead of the curve for the six-month mark, and told him the three reasons why.

1. God. We both rely on Him for help, and pray together often. (For some reason these other problems seem to pop up when we haven't prayed together as much.) We ask God for healing, and He smooths the process along.

2. The changes I have seen in AJ's life, and how consistent he has been with them.

3. The efforts he has made to show his transparency, and that there is still NC.

This has meant that most of what I am dealing with is old stuff, which gradually fades with time. There have been few new wounds, and most of them were related to my extended contact with Gargamel, which I am so glad is ended. (BTW, I will be sending her the final payment on the personal stuff this week, then I won't even have to worry about that.)

When I see him in the nude, I still think a lot of where his penis has been that it shouldn't, but even that is better. It's more of a steady, sad knowledge than the excruciating pain of before. And if he puts his mind to it, he can make me forget that completely, at least for a while.

AJ has been discouraged at times all the way along, because at some times we're close, and sometimes we're driven apart. I think deep down he thinks that is my fault, and because something is wrong with me, (well duh), and that I should be over it by now. He seemed to understand this last time when I explained how it usually takes at least 1-2 years, and that we are doing fine and everything we're going through is normal, and better than normal.

Now we'll just have to see how long he remembers it.

But we are to the place now where we can feel intimacy again, and pray sincerely for each other (maybe he could all along, but I couldn't have much this last week). One more bump crossed over, and a smoother time in which to figure out what to do about the communication thingie.

One funny thing was when he said he noticed I hadn't wanted to be around him as much, and I answered that I didn't like to be around him when he was grouchy, even if he wasn't grouchy at me. His face took on a look of total mystification. "Why not? You're my WIFE!"

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Really, it's better now.

A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb

Neak's Story