Well, I triggered really hard today. It was one of the very few times that AJ did it, and he didn't mean to.

We were just talking along happily on the phone, and he said something teasing to me, but it was something he had yelled at me with obscenities added during one of his worst A-rants, and my brain briefly froze up and had to reboot. It is so weird to go through that, to essentially lose consciousness, but still being able to look around, see things, to vaguely register that the sun is still shining, and no everything is not really black.......

The last time I can remember the old psyche crashing so hard was that time in Wally World where the OW's theme song came on. This time it lasted for approximately an eternity, of maybe 15 seconds. Normally AJ pushes a bit when he knows I am upset about something, (perhaps sensing some occasional clammishness), but this time, fortunately he let it go. I will talk to him a little, later on, but was incoherent right at the moment.

So when I squeaked out no, please, let's just talk about something else right now, he let me do it, and I was very thankful. I snapped out of it pretty quickly, with just some emotional bruising I have been trying to self-soothe away, cleaning and keeping busy and being very nice to myself. (Since I am holding down the fort while he goes on a longer trip, it's a good thing the self-soothing is working ok.)

AJ is in TX, stopped just this side of the I-10 shutdown, which I hopehopehope will open tomorrow, since he is still more than 6 hours from his delivery site. Though they will doubtless have realized that any trucks coming in from the west are likely to be delayed.

In fact, he heard on the radio that there's about 2,000 trucks in Fort Stockton, waiting for the road to open. He is in a rest area about a half hour before that, with a microwave, lots of food, and his friend Bill. So he is fine and dandy, for someone who is stuck.

Anyway, I'll be fine, it's just that this came so much out of the blue, when all I had to deal with was low-level agitation at some unpleasant 2-yr anniversaries, and was just so unexpected that I figured I would feel better if I journaled it. And I do.

Oh, by way of humorous news, although I tried for weeks to cancel AJ's old email account, and wrote to Yahoo on his behalf repeatedly, nothing was ever done, and no one ever so much as wrote back.

Being the wonderful, smart, clever, thinking-outside-the-box kind of girl that I am (my arm's starting to break here), I figured out just what to do.

I copied and pasted my book over and over again, until I had a Word document that was over 3,000 pages in length. Then I sent it to his email over and over until I filled it full. Now anything sent from any email address at all bounces - I think of it as Mailer Demons - so a formal rejection will be sent WHEN the pot-stirrer tries to stir the pot. Cuz at least in Yahoo, when you block an address, the email just disappears silently and without a trace, so you don't know they sent it, and they don't know you didn't get it. Now she will know she can't get through. Even if she doesn't want to give up, she is running low on options.

It's just funny to me that my book has become a literal barrier of protection. (And now I can let his email die a natural death, because a curiosity-killed-the-cat person like me won't leave well enough alone, and now that I know nothing will go through, I am not curious, as there is nothing to be curious about. Four months and it will be shut down automatically.)

Oh, and it appears as if Neaksis, AJ, and I will all be going to Boise next month to introduce our kids book to a bunch of Christian bookstore managers. Mom has bravely offered to keep the kids.

Well, I'd better get something accomplished - thanks for listening. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb

Neak's Story