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We are all better for having Pep in our midst.

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Well look at me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I'm a push pin !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Came in MB to look up an old post .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

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Pep!

Don't leave!


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Miss ya Pep!

Mark

Mark1952 #1836936 10/15/07 04:53 PM
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Good Lord, it was PEP!

-ol' 2long

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Quote
Well look at me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I'm a push pin !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

You IS not.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> you are a silly left coaster from the land o' fruits and nuts... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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emotional needs: rights AND RESPONSIBILITIES

[color:"red"]by Meremortal[/color]


OK, I totally agree about the meeting your spouse's most important emotional needs as one of the ways to reduce the likelihood of your spouse cheating. I don't object to the MB principles regarding emotional needs.

However, I want to add some thoughts about emotional needs for further discussion.

IMHO having your most important emotional needs met by your spouse is sort of a right every married person should expect their spouse to do their best to meet.

But as with any right along with that comes certain responsibilities too. IMHO each married person has a responsibility:

1) to determine what their own most important emotional needs are

2) to honestly evaluate whether or not their own needs are valid, healthy, achievable, fair

3) to clearly, consistently, cooperatively communicate to their spouse what their most important emotional needs are

4) to allow their spouse to meet their most important emotional needs

5) to prohibit anyone else besides their spouse from meeting their most important emotional needs

6) to stay in communication with their spouse regarding how well they feel the spouse is meeting their most important emotional needs

7) to fully cooperate with their spouse in steps 1-6 regarding their spouse's most important emotional needs

I have yet to hear of a single WS who has fulfilled their responsibilities regarding their own most important emotional needs. IMHO the 'failure' of the BS to meet the most important emotional needs of the WS is often directly related to the WS' failure to take responsibility themselves.


link to thread

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Heyyyyyyyyyyy Pep did a drive-through.....


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Recovering Renters Support




The best way to lead anyone anywhere is by example.

So how do YOUR Buyer skills rate?



* Is there currently an issue in your marriage that you are dissatisfied with but haven't wanted to bring it to your spouse's attention?

A Buyer is emotionally honest with themselves and with their spouse


* Is there a situation in your marriage you are dissatisfied with but are just tolerating?

A Buyer understands that sacrifice leads to resentment


* When your spouse tells you that they are dissatisfied with something you are doing, do you get defensive?

A Buyer understands that criticism indicates a need for change


* Do you ever utter the phrases, "If you loved me, you would..." or "What can I do to change his/her mind"?

A Buyer seeks solutions to conflict that are a win for both spouses.


* Do you ever think that maybe you and your spouse are just incompatible?

A Buyer understands that the way to build compatibility is through successful negotiaton.


* Do you ever go along with something you aren't really enthusiastic about just to end a conflict?

A Buyer believes that marriage is long-term and knows that short-term solutions will not provide long-term marital enjoyment.


* When you negotiate with your spouse, do you tell your spouse that you don't enthusiastically agree and your negotiation ends there?

A Buyer understands that requiring their spouse to sacrifice is dangerous and is to be avoided.


* When your spouse approaches you for negotiation, are you disrespectful? Do you roll your eyes, make disrespectful comments such as "You're never satisfied with anything"? Do you attempt to invalidate their request?

A Buyer knows that in order to successfully negotiate, the negotiation process must be safe and pleasant for both spouses.


* Do you ask your spouse to do things you know they don't truly want to do for you in order to prove their love?

A Buyer knows that love is not measured by sacrifice.

* Do you feel as though you have given and given in your marriage and if only your selfish spouse would give a little, you might have a happy marriage?

A Buyer knows how to balance both their Giver and Taker. A Buyer takes responsibility for their own satisfaction and doesn't blame their spouse for their dissatisfaction.


While it is controlling to attempt to force someone to change, you can change yourself. And if the input that someone receives is different, often the output will be as well. If you change the way you react to your spouse, likely they will change the way they react to you.

link to discussion
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Last edited by Pepperband; 11/19/07 03:36 PM.
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Hi Pepperband, u seem like a veteran here with good ideas. I would really appreciate if u could help me, i posted in General Questions. my thread is called Message for Justkeeptrying and Tyk. im getting advise from a lady called Back, would u have time to help me too PLEASE!!

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Pep doesn't advise here right now aranchaa. In part, she became tired of people seeking her time and investment under false pretences so left a legacy and moved away from the board.

Pep taught me a lot, MB and otherwise, so I'll look in your main thread to see if I can assist you at all.


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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> bump - coz I am pissed off at some WW

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Gee, let me guess which WW that might be...hmm.

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I don't think I have ever talked to you Pep. I can tell how much you are loved and admired. And I imagine it takes a lot to get your mad.

[/quote] I have yet to hear of a single WS who has fulfilled their responsibilities regarding their own most important emotional needs. IMHO the 'failure' of the BS to meet the most important emotional needs of the WS is often directly related to the WS' failure to take responsibility themselves. [/quote] This is so absolutely true in my sitch and that's what is so frustrating.

He would tell me one thing, I would meet it then he would change his mind. He is so mixed up and has been for years.


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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To Mrs. Eye:

Fact: your kids will hate OM. They will be disrespectful. They will take shots at him. He will expect you to stand up for him. You will ALWAYS be in the middle of this battle. You know your kids are right for resenting him, and yet you will expect them to treat him well. You will cause untold harm to your children with this expectation. Ultimately they will blame YOU for this.

Fact: you can expect your children to never be what they could have been with an intact family. Expect falling grades. Expect acting out. Expect experimenting with drugs and alcohol. Did you know your children will be 75% more likely to develop a substance abuse problem?

Fact: expect your children to have a negative view of relationships. Expect to hear your daughter never plans on getting married. Expect to hear that your daughter also cheats on her partners. Expect to hear from your daughters boyfriend as he breaks up with her "like mother, like daughter"...

Fact: Expect your childrens financial picture to change dramatically. Everything that would have been possible for them may not be. Your financial future will change. OM and maybe you will be paying child support. Your standard of living will drop. And your childrens' standard will drop.

Fact: expect years of uncomfortable events. Your children will lose all of their traditions. Every event from now on will be split between Mom or Dad. No more celebrating their achievements surrounded by friends and family. They will either have Dad and his circle -- or Mom and her circle. If Mom keeps OM in her circle, the children will gravitate towards Dad -- because they already know they do not truly come first with Mom.

Fact: expect years of uncomfortable events with OM's family. You will never be embraced, you may be tolerated. You will never "feel" the same toward OM's son that you feel toward your own children. Expect OM's son to hate you. Expect him to act out. You will want OM to protect and defend you from son's mouthiness and disrespect. And yet, son is right to feel how he does toward you. You destroyed his Mom. You destroyed his family.

Fact: every time you set foot in a church you will hear a little voice telling you what a hypocrite you are. You don't belong there. You don't REALLY live your life by God's word. Whatever faith you have will disappear. And OM will lose his connection and comfort from his faith. His religion is another thing he will have to give up for you. And he will resent you for it.

Fact: Expect to wear that Scarlet letter forever. Everytime you go to your kids sporting events you will have to wonder of the other parents know about you. How many of them gossip behind your back about why your marriage ended?

Fact: If you go ahead and divorce Eye, he will be fine. It won't destroy him. He's learned what it takes to have a really great marriage. Expect that he will find someone new. Expect that he will do all the right things (in the right way) and that everyone will eventually be HAPPY for him. Everyone will embrace his new choice -- even your kids. So while the kids HATE OM -- they will LOVE their new stepmom. Eventually you will lose the kids entirely. They won't want to be with you.

Fact: every relationship cools off. When that happens with you and OM, you will always have to be vigilant...you will always wonder...if he's gotten involved with someone else.

Fact: you will see Eye being a different person. You will always wonder if your life would have been better if you had just TRIED. You will be jealous of anyone Eye gets involved with.

Fact: You will soon, if not already, be in despair over how *you* have ruined your life. Expect serious depression. Really, why would either of these men want you when you are such a mess? Watch out for suicidal thoughts and plans. Get counseling. Get anti-depressants.

Fact: The only way to prevent any of this is to get rid of OM. Even if you don't recover your marriage -- OM has to be out of your life in order to repair your relationship with your children. I doubt that you have the strength to do that -- so I simply warn you to prepare for all the above.

Mrs Eye; you KNOW you've done this all wrong. Even if you wanted to leave, this isn't the way to do it. It would be completely different if you had dealt with the marriage first, before becoming involved with OM. And I speak from experience that there is absolutely no way to change or fix this outside of getting rid of OM. None of your schemes or manipulations will fix this. If you don't want the scenarios I've described above, the ONLY way is to end the relationship with him. And Mrs. Eye, you KNOW deep inside that your relationship with him is not blessed. It will only bring you bad things (karma).

And when those bad things happen? The job losses, the money problems, the kids acting out? You will know you deserve every one of them.

From one who's been there -- get rid of OM and TRY.

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A boundary is not defined as "something I don't like."

A boundary is defined as "something I will defend no matter what."

A very common question is, "How do I enforce a boundary? How do I make my spouse stop lying, how do I make my spouse stop dating OP, how do I make my spouse start taking care of our family instead of someone else's?"

The answer is: You don't.

Trying to "make" people do the things listed above is not enforcing a boundary. It's control, it's manipulation, it's laying down demands, etc. etc. etc.

And none of it works.

The answer to the question, "How Do I Enforce A Boundary?" is virtually always the same:

You remove yourself from the situation. You stop allowing the boundary trespasser to have any access to you at all.

This is what's meant by, "You can't control others. You can only control yourself."

You can't "make" your spouse stop lying to you - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

You can't "make" your spouse stop dating OP - - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

You can't "make" your spouse take care of your family instead of someone else's - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

Get the idea now?

Boundaries are for *you*. They are to protect you from people who would do you harm. They are NOT about "making" others do anything. They are about protecting *YOU*.

Castle walls don't make the invaders stop their cruel and destructive attitudes - but they do protect you from their intrusion.

Boundaries are castle walls.

And as far as anger goes, you will find that good boundaries will make much of it go away. Good boundaries really do make RAGE dissipate, because anger + fear = rage. Good boundaries keep you safe, and when you are safe, fear goes away. You will certainly have some righteous anger left, sure, but the RAGE will fade away because there is no longer the fear hanging around to fuel it.

Make sense?

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I think I'm going to sue Betty Crocker. It's all their fault.

I started making a cake today. I read half of the instructions, but it soon became apparent to me that they had written them for general use and not for my very special, unique circumstances. I quickly revised a few things to meet the needs of my situation.

I got some things out to do it. The recipe said that I needed 3 eggs. I only had one, and going to the store was very inconvenient. I decided just to use the one and a package of Egg Beaters.

I got out a bowl. It wasn't a mixing bowl like the instructions said. It was just a plain old soup bowl, but that should have been good enough. I mean, really, what do they want?

Since the cake takes so long to make and bake, and I didn't want to wait that long, I just kept dipping my spoon into the mix and eating it as I went along. I set the oven to 500 degrees and turned it on to preheat. I added 4 cups of olive oil and my eggs. The package said vegetable oil, but olive oil is so much better for you that I decided to substitute it.

I got out my electric mixer like the one pictured on the package and turned it on the highest level. (I mean, HELLO, I want this sooner than later!) Well, let me tell you, the stuff went flying EVERYWHERE! WTF were they thinking?! Since the mixer obviously wasn’t working, I just got out a spoon and stirred my mixture a few times.

I poured the mixture into the exact pan size that they said, and it didn’t even cover the BOTTOM OF THE PAN, so I transferred the batter to a smaller pan that was 3 inches deep. I like thicker cakes, anyway.

I put the pan in the oven, and go to watch some TV. Who wants to watch something bake? I have better things to do…

Well, 45 minutes later I go to check on my cake (cause it was NOT smelling good) and I notice black smoke everywhere! The batter had oozed all over the side of my pan and burning on the oven’s heating element! The rest of the cake was completely charred, there’s no way I can eat that. I doesn’t even look like a cake.

The box DID say to only bake it for 25 minutes, but really, should that be MY responsibility? Shouldn’t the cake just KNOW when it’s done and stop baking? Come on, it’s the 21st century.

So, here I am standing in the middle of a mess with a worthless burnt cake. My oven is almost ruined, I’ve got cake mixture on every surface in my kitchen, and I didn’t get to have my cake, let alone eat it too.

I don’t advise anyone here to buy Betty Crocker products. They are nothing but a fraudulent rip-off. Your kitchen could be ruined.

And I’m suing them. It’s all their fault.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*link* to original post


Last edited by Pepperband; 05/01/08 10:33 AM. Reason: add link
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by Dan Neil (La Times)




Love isn't destiny. It's epidemiology.



Life has a way of taking your most earnest pledges and folding them into funny hats for you to wear.


*read it here*



^^ read it - it's good - really - not kidding - read it ^^






Last edited by Pepperband; 05/04/08 12:10 PM. Reason: silly girl
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LOL,

Will you share your settlement with us?

wink


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
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Originally Posted by QueeniesNewLife
LOL,

Will you share your settlement with us?

wink

I might, if I had the foggiest idea what you're talkin'bout !
laugh

Last edited by Pepperband; 05/04/08 12:33 PM.
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