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Suing Betty Crocker.

wink


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Originally Posted by QueeniesNewLife
Suing Betty Crocker.

wink

That settlement $$$ becongs to *Takola*

not Pep smirk

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That's drag for sure then....


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
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Bumping this thread for all the newbies. It's FULL of valuable advice collected over time. It covers the fog, Trueheart's letter, etc.

P.S. Pep, I just read your Betty Crocker post. I loved the analogy. There's lots of burnt cakes being baked right now. If only they'd follow the directions right right in front of them! laugh

Last edited by princessmeggy; 05/06/08 02:47 PM.

Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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written by Learning2Fly


*LINK* to original thread

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My name is L2F, and I'm a Plan C'er

What is Plan C you ask? It's Plan Confusion, and it's NOT the MB way.

Plan C is what you do when you don't truly get the specifics of Plan A/B.

It's what you do when you try a mish mash of both without consistency, without understanding, without faith and patience.

It's what you do when you let your emotions guide your actions

It's what you do when you're afraid of WSs reaction.

It's what you do when you believe...even slightly...some of the threats, rants and accusations that you WILL hear from WS's mouth.

It's what you do when you're afraid of the consequences of YOUR actions.

It's what you do when you give all your power to your WS and don't recognize your own.

The danger of Plan C is that it can go on for a VERY long time. Life is short, your love bank must survive, and so must you.

I really don't recommend Plan C.

L2F
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last edited by Pepperband; 05/09/08 02:04 PM. Reason: add link
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The following description of LOVING DETACHMENT was scribed by Bob Pure.
Enjoy !


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was working out a situation with a friend the other day and it occurred to me FINALLY how to describe "loving detachment" in a practically applicable way.

In my own affair-battle, and in plan A , loving detachment was without doubt the technique that helped the most to get through the very bad times. It allowed me breathing space to be rational when faced with irrationality.

I have advised for panicking folks in the heat of this fight to "detach" but I always struggled to INSTRUCT them how to do it.

Well, a day late and a dollar short, but here goes - in case it helps anyone:

However vicious or entitled a persons actions may be towards us, and however dark a situation may appear, it is a stark realisation that it is OURSELVES who render events with the power to frighten or hurt ourselves.

Some folks who tried to adopt loving detachment tried to IGNORE evil perpetrated in their lives and respond with a false rictus smile to the person who is hurting them. That is not what loving detachment is for me and I chide myself for not being able to explain sooner.

Loving detachment was a way I found to strip away the scariness and portent I attributed to events and look only at the core elements of these events.

I'll start with a non infidelity example :

A banana skin skids to a halt at your feet, when you are rushing and feeling low, and you barely miss slipping on it. Things you might think while in an emotional state:

"I could have slipped on that ! GOD I might have broken my neck ! I Bet my spouse threw that there to kill me for my insurance ? What if there are more banana skins ? OH NO, I have to LIVE in a world of banana skins for ever boo hoo hoo !"

What loving detachment thinks :
"A banana skin. I need to step around that so I don't slip. Stay vigilant in case of further banana skins as I can only control my OWN placement of banana skins, not other people's."

See ?

It doesn't matter if a person tried to sabotage you with that banana skin,OR if it was dropped accidentally by a passing magic flying monkey, the core challenge, and correct response is identical once you strip away all the layers of portent you ascribe to an event.

When Squid would attend karate competitions that I suspected OM may be at, against my direct request a wellspring of panic and fear surged within me. " She'll be kissing him ! Maybe they're not even at a karate event! Perhaps they've left to elope !"

Then I shouted "Stop! Detach! " to myself.

Facts :

1. Squid went to referee a weekend competition against my request less than a month after d-day. The only thing I know for sure is she won't be home over Saturday night.
2. Even if she *IS* PA'ing with OM, it does not change our situation.I Expect her to be wayward at this time. I am not "more cuckolded" by this ,if so.
3. I know there IS a competition at the time / place she says and that she is sharing a room with a trustworthy mutual friend.
4. How can I affect this in future ? Well, exposing to OM GF may apply a compulsion to OM not to attend these events. I should expose.
5. The weekend without soaking up Squids poison gives me a respite ! I will take the kids to a childrens' farm !


Loving detachment is DELIBERATELY stripping away portent from events and facts to allow calm rationalisation as to whether you can affect a situation positively or not.

It is not ignoring, it is not soaking up, it is not tolerating. It is revealing and dealing with the FACTS as practically as possible.

Another real example :

Event : Squid is highly entitled and is bullying me in her affair pomp, in the second whole week after NC established. She is making no effort to be transparent nor to work on our marriage. Highly dismissive, vituperative. I am terrified, the kids are being hurt.

WHOA Bob !!! LOVING DETACHMENT MODE PLEASE :

What would I do if I were not afraid ?
- I'd tell Squid that I would rather live without her than WITH her this mean and disrespectful

What am I afraid of ?
- That this is the best Squid can ever give me and that she would leave if I enforced a boundary requiring more

SO this is a dignity issue. Best case is that I get my baby AND my dignity. Whats the best compromise ?
- That I keep my dignity and lose my baby.

So, loving detachment, what are the FACTS to consider ?

1. She could leave ANY time she wanted with or without my protecting my dignity
2. If she left as a result of having to respect minimum boundaries, I am only worse off if I value that toxic corruption of a marriage more than my own dignity.
3. If she leaves I will be healthy,have the support of my employer and my kids and we will be fine, after a time of sadness. It is highly unlikely that we will be broken by this.
4. If she stays and respects my boundaries we may all just "win the lottery" !.

Decision - restate my boundary to Squid.

Loving Detachment released me from the chains of fear. That night I asked Squid my famous question :" baby WHY are you here ? You said you would stay and work on our marriage - and I am struggling to see anything I would call "marriagebuilding" from you right now. I want you , very much, but I do not need you. Do not stay only because you think I will fall apart if you leave. I will not.
The door on this marriage is open - you can leave any time, as can I. Just know that I will not tolerate perceived disrespect for long before I protect myself from it."

Squid flipped a switch that night like so many WS do.

Even when I make a bad decision using the facts loving detachment presented me, I could simply apply LD to the NEW situation and make a new decision in light of my experience.

Does any of this make any sense ? I hope it helps.

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mtkat:

I agree with tst. There's no hope for your marriage as long as your husband has any contact with his lover/ex-lover. I've not had a chance to read everything on this sting, and I may be missing the point entirely, but I get the impression that his affair is driving you nuts. If he works with her, I can fully understand why.

I recommend plan B primarily to help a betrayed spouse avoid serious physical and mental damage due to the intense amount of stress that infidelity causes. The POJA does not apply in situations where a person's health or safety is at stake, and this is a good example of one of those situations. You must take steps to protect yourself, and that means violating the POJA under these conditions.

Plan A may apply to some extent until you implement plan B. It's always a good idea to have left a positive feeling in an US just before you leave. But you may be too upset to actually achieve it. As he gives you excuses for bad behavior, and lies about his whereabouts, you will not be able to respond appropriately. But once you're separated from your husband and have no contact with him, and have a chance to clear your head, I think you'll find that you can think this entire situation through more logically and unemotionally. In fact, I usually recommend that a BS in your position move to another city or state where you can be surrounded by those who love and care for you. Then, offer your husband the opportunity to move there with you. If he starts a new life with you somewhere else, it would make your recovery much easier. To stay put would make it almost impossible, especially if his lover is close by.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Written on THIS THREAD June 2008

Last edited by Pepperband; 06/12/08 11:24 AM.
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5% is the correct figure and it pretty much is discussed in any/all affair/infidelity books to some degree.

Here's one from Frank Pittman's "Private Lies":

Quote
In the book Private Lies by Dr. Frank Pittman, he has a very good summary of reasons why second marriages between persons involved in an affair very seldom succeed.

Generally he notes that disasters are only inevitable when people use romance to jump from marriage to marriage without a rest stop between. He says that there is something inherently doomed in those marriages that begin as marriage-wrecking affairs.

He noted that in his practice while over half the people who get into romantic affairs end up divorced, only one-fourth marry the affairee. It is likely that over three-fourths of these affair marriages end up in divorce. He says that there is a greater likelihood that the divorcing partner will be back with the original spouse in five years that that the romantic affair will be a stable marriage at that time.

He gives 12 reasons for this phenomenon:
• Intervention of reality
• Guilt
• Disparity of sacrifice
• Expectations
• General distrust of marriage
• Distrust of affairee
• Divided loyalties
• The nature of infidels
• The nature of affairees
• Romance
• Scapegoating the betrayed
• Unshared history

Out of 100 couples, (Pittman’s sample in his book private lies)
He said 50% of affairs couples divorced.
But, only 12% (12) actually married OP.
And then 75% of those failed (12*.75)= 9
Thus only 3 married betrayers are left

These are the defects he lists for marriages between the spouse and the OP.

1) The intervention of Reality: Divorce in these marriages tends to take place very early in the marriage. During th affair, the infidel and perhaps the affairee are in a state of intensely stimulating unreality. The second marriage itself seems to be a swithc that throws the lights on and illuminates the mess that has accumulated. It is as if the romance had seemed real, while the divorce didnt. Only after the remarriage did the divorce become real enough for the lovers to see that it was all a horrible mistake. The affairs that become marriages typically were so intense they were never questioned at all. During the divorce, reality never set in sufficiently to let the romance be evaluated and questioned. The romance was so romantic on one ever got around to asking if it was sane.

2) Guilt.. People who have wrecked a family have inflicted much pain, and they have a lot they could feel guilty about. As reality sets in, they see many things they were overlooking. They may have felt no guilt during the affair and divorce, and the guilt they feel after the romantic marriage may come as a suprise to both of them. It is generally assumed that people who dont permit themselves to be happy must be feeling guilty about somethingm and are unhappy as a way of punishing themselves for their misdeeds. One aspect of guilt is the rluctance to enjoy ones ill-gotten gains. Another aspect of guilt is the urge to return to the scene of the crime and in some way make amends. As a romantic newlywed resists the joys of the ex-mate who was deserted so blitheyly, the new mate can feel disoriented and betrayed.

3) Disparity of sacrifice... Divorces are expensive luxuries. Whatever the financial cost, the emotional cost is far greater. Anyone after losing that much, will be drained, exhausted and depressed. It is particularly difficult when the exhausted survivor of a debilitating divorce marries the triumphant winner of the struggle. If the romantic partner is marrying for the first time, and especially if the courtship has been treacherous and insecure, the new mate will be ecstatic. A new couple may feel a disparity in what had to be sacrificed to bring them together. The partner who has never been divorced may have difficulty understanding the complexity of emotions toward the previous family.

4) Expectations.. Then there is the feeling that anything that cost this much emotionally had damn well better be worth it. The greater the sacrifices, the greater the expectations from the new marriage. Now that the promised land has been reached, it should flow with milk and honey. But instead, the new couple are just 2 tired warriors with no fight left in them. Whatever these people were expecting, the best they are likey to find now is the ordinariness of real life, the dubious peace between glorious battles. The more people enjoy the battles involved in wrecking and escaping marriages, the less they are likely to enjoy the business as usual of the new marriage that was the destination of it all.

5) General Distrust of Marriage.. Of course, anyone who has been unhappily married is likely to develop a strong distrust of the institution of marriage. People whose marriages fell apart during affairs are likey to end up distrusting marriages rather than distrusting affaris. People who distrust marriage have a vey hard time being in one.

6) Distrust of affairee..It might seem appropriate for someone to go out with them, or even to marry them, but not quite appropriate for someone to have an affair with them. Affairs are considered dishonerable acts, and peope who feel guilty for having affairs believe that they are dishonorable and their partner must be dishonorable too.

7) Divided Loyalties..During the affair tnd the divorce, the romantic couple isolate themselves. It is not only the betrayed spouses who are erased from awareness, but also the children, the families, friends, anyone who attempts to pull the romantic couple from the quicksand of their affair. But after the remarriage, there may be a longing to reestablish connections with families and friends and this may be more difficult than expected. Each close relationship and some that were amazingly casual may have to be renegotiated in view of the hurt caused to others.

8) The nature of infidels.... People who get themselves into affairs have some specific characteristics that must influence the course of their subsequent marriages. Each kind of infidel is different. Most of those who end up marrying an affair partner are romatics who drift hypnotically through this romantic high without taking much responsibility. Romantic remarriage seldom works, not only because of th unrealistic nature of romance, but also because of the reality-avoiding nature of romantics.

9)The nature of affairees.... Affairees want whatever they want from a relationship, jsut as everyone else does, but what makes them unusual is that they seek their goals among the married rather than the single. They choose partners who are not in position to marry them, and who are engaging in the relationship at great risk. People like this are clearly angry with marriage, and perhaps with the opposite sex. They believe marriage doesnt work, and they demonstrate that by breaking up another marriage as they find a partner for themselves.

10) Romance.. People who believe in the chemistry of romance dont bother to learn much about the physics of relationships. When the romance begins to fade, romantics know little about how to solve those problems that they have relied on romance to transcend. It is painful to watch a romantic relationship dissolve. It happens so suddenly, and so totally. These people have alredy demonstrated that they would rather get divorced than learn physics, so it is far easier for them to follow the same pattern.

11) Scapegoating of cuckolds... During the affair and divorce, the romantic couple conspired to convince each other that the defective marriage was the fault of the cuckold. To acknowledge otherwise, now that remarriage has taken place, seems a betrayal of the rescue fantasies that fed the romance.

12) Unshared history... Even if the new marriage survives all of these obstacles, there is one further characteristic of all second marriages: The absence of a shared history that brings familiarity torelationships that began earlier in life. If a romantic marriage has wrecked a previous marriage or two, the history of the relationship is painful to both partners, and possibly somewhat embarrasing to others. The new partners keep thinking about it and justifying it, but it is hard to talk about lightly, in the familiar, safe manner of people who can tell their old war stories without guilt. However intense their commitment, people who share a guilty past arent totally rpoud of their new marriage.


[ September 12, 2002, 09:38 AM: Message edited by: Spacecase ]


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showthreaded&Number=1028215

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a real oldie but goodie
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Quote
1. Spend as much time together as possible

Spend as little time together as possible. Make sure all the time you have together includes the kids as a buffer to intimacy. Don't ever invite your spouse anywhere. If she invites you somewhere, make it very clear that you are not going to enjoy yourself with comments like "Okay, but I'm really tired" and "We're not going to TALK all evening, are we?"

2. A healthy sexual relationship is important to a marraige. Communicate openly about sexual issues. Be both receptive to your husband and intiate sex yourself.

Take it if its offered (why not?). Never comment on your spouse's body or make any positive comments about the experience. Afterwards, say as little as possible. Make it clear you can't wait to get away from her. It's okay to initiate sex but only if its completely spontaneous so you can remove yourself from any responsibility for it.

3. When you get home from work, go directly to your spouse and give them a kiss so they know how happy you are to see them and get the evening off to a pleasant start.

When you get home, go directly to the kids so your spouse gets the very clear message that they are the only reason you are there at all.

4. Give your spouse lots of affection and reassurance of your love.

Keep your spouse constantly off kilter by varying the amount of affection you will accept and/or express.

5. Communicate openly with your spouse.

Never initiate a conversation. Keep conversations as superficial as possible with the phrase "I don't know". Any time the conversation might get to a deeper level, talk about work.

6. Share with your spouse the details of your affair. Reassure her of your trustworthiness by your willingness to answer questions openly and honestly.

Refuse to discuss your affair. Frequently agree to a timeline for when the affair will be discussed, but then renege on the agreement. This way, the affair remains the central issue in your relationship and your spouse can NEVER put the affair behind her. Become offended whenever your spouse suggests that you can't be trusted.

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another oldie but goodie


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Quote
The Art of Marriage
Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens. A good marriage must be created. In the art of marriage the little things are the big things

It is never being too old to hold hands.

It is remembering to say, "I love you," at least once each day.

It is never going to sleep angry.

It is at no time taking the other for granted; the courtship shouldn't end with the honeymoon, it should continue through all the years.

It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives; it is standing together facing the world.

It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.

It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy.

It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.

It is not expecting the husband to wear a halo or the wife to have the wings of an angel. It is not looking for perfection in each other. It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humour.

It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.

It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.

It is finding the room for the things of the spirit. It is common search for the good and beautiful.

It is establishing a relationship as in which the independence is equal, the dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.

It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.

It is discovering what marriage can be, at its best, as expressed in the words Mark Twain used in a tribute to his wife: "Wherever she was, there was Eden."




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Pepperband's "ah-ha" about plan A


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Quote
Looking back ... I can see I worked myself through a very awkward "plan A" .... although I never heard of plan A until years into recovery and I started poking around this site. Looking back ... I can see my efforts to become differentiated ... although I did not read Schnarch's "Passionate Marriage " until years into recovery.
Plan A is very much complementary to Schnarch's ideas of differentiation. Developing a positive identity within the context of a marriage struggling to overcome infidelity. Developing a strong sense of self-worth that is valid both within and outside the boundaries of the marriage.

I can NOW see plan A as a path to greater self worth and NOT necessarily as a plan to "win back" the heart and mind of the infidel ... although that might happen. It is a plan to differentiate myself and identify myself as a worthy person apart from the circumstances of the marriage relationship. Plan A'ers are not like doormats to wipe your feet upon and to mis-use .... more like a *welcome home* sign... if both persons choose to re-inter the marriage! Plan A says : "I can hold onto my better self under the worst of circumstances".

Schnarch says: "We develop a contingent identity based on a 'self-in-relationship'. Because our identity depends on the relationship, we may demand that our partner doesn't change so that our identity won't either."

Then ... comes the grenade of infidelity tossed into the marriage and the entire fusion of identities is blown apart! The aftermath of the grenade then boils down to this question ....

WHO THE HECK AM I ... AND ... WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?

And, asking this question to the *fogged-in* infidel is pointless. They got INTO the affair because they were lost to themselves, and went searching for a new self .... and, INSTEAD of differentiating themselves ... they fused identity to yet another relationship ... actually moving away from a healthy differentiated view of their self-worth ----> I am wonderful because my affair partner thinks so.

Plan A says and demonstrates to OURSELVES: I am not some weak pathetic person deserving to be abandoned or cheated. I am demonstrating decent and loving behaviour. I am worthy of love and devotion. ... If the infidel notices .... double bonus points. If not, I become better differentiated along the way ... and I can see my strengths despite terrible and hurtful circumstances.

Once I become more fully differentiated and have stable and accurate self-worth (after the grenade) ... I am then in the position to identify
healthy choices. I can honestly say that I will be a sensational woman within this marriage... or after this marriage terminates.

I think I finally understand what I went through. I understand that I am the better woman for it. I understand my spouse is the better man for it.

That is a powerful message to myself. The anxiety that floods the betrayed spouse is the perceived loss of identity . Self worth and a differentiated identity is the harvest of plan A .

I think I get it now.

Best to all of you travelers on this journey!



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The following is repost of an old old post....

with the following disclaimer...

be still does NOT and never has meant dont work on plan a plan b and or plan divorce if that is where you are or should be...
I am a huge advocate of having a plan

be still has not ever now nor never mean stay in any type of abuse....

I for one have only ever consistantly advocated getting out of any and all types of abuse with a well thought out safety plan..both "here" and in the real world....

this whole plan was born from reading post after post after after post from BS

asking

why did he/she say this or that
why did he/she do this or that
why why why
blah blah blah...

who knows why....

but I can assure you that
agonizing
ruminating
spinning it around and around in your head
thinking and examining every tiny thing they do....
driving yourself crazy staying only focused on the WS
not eating
not sleeping
imagining what the WS is doing every second of the day

is daunting and wastes energy needed for the BS to stay focused and on the path to healing....


It also about the fact that so many expect the WS to be instantly sorry on D-day
instantly insightful to their actions of destuctions
instantly disgusted by the thought of seeing or talking to the OP...

all instantly vanishing from the WS...all the wall of rationalization needed to have an affair..gone..

doesn't usually quite work that way.....even though the BS is shocked by that

that's what be still post has always been about....


so if you want to bump the be still post...
bump this one....

the original post stands on its own in my opinion..
from the moment it was written it clearly states that it is not about saving every marriage...

says nothing about staying in any type of abuse...

and is not ever about not working on a plan..

it is about the calming the thoughts swirling in your brain that distract your focus and hurt you....

thank you for your attention to this ridiculousness




Some of the most painful posts to read here ....is the confusion and turmoil of betrayed spouses....

those post D-day days weeks and sadly months in which so many things are left unanswered, unaddressed and emtpy...

be still.....

In our turmoil and chaos and the gnawing need to fix and address.....bs bring into their hearts more pain and crisis....

be still...

There was once a saying I read somewhere that went something like to really ever understand someone else we must crawl inside of them and feel the gentle beat of their heart....

easier probably for a BS to move a mountain than to grasp and work from that realm....

but be still...
each moment of stillness you can buy grab or gobble is a moment in which you are free from the pain and free from the fear..

fear of doing the wrong thing
fear of saying the wrong thing...

the goal is not marriage rebuilding at any cost...
the goal is guiding yourself to a place of stillness...no matter the outcome....

the anatomy of a WS is that they changed and molded their own thought processes so that they could engage in a affair....

they did this....
they did this....over time and in a way in which they can barely see the reality of this...but they did do it...

be still

it takes time.....

too many posts are from BS with unrealistic EXPECTATIONS which will harm you...

it is unrealistic to think that the thought processes needed to engage in such vile actions....vanishes over night

working through affair issues takes time...gobs and gobs of it...
and if you find yourself standing in a place of demanding change and specified responses, introspection, apologies, and instant change...

be still

for you are causing more grief that you need to burdon....

they did this...and they must undo this...

will they?
the truth is we don't know..
but to ever be a whole person again they darn well better...otherwise they carry their chaos on and on..and in the end no BS needs to burdon that.....

WS, though hard to see when they have used you as a weapon are very very damaged inside.....

they can not face that damage...and since that damage is YOU the BS...they often can not face you..

so they continue to waffle and wallow in the path that brought them to this place...

the way of rationalizing and justifying downright no two ways about it dispicable behavior acts....

force them to the face and process at once..
they will withdrawal
they will deny
they will retaliate

or even worse they will self destruct themselves....

be still....

don't force responses and actions and answers...be still and know that their non-responses , non actions and non answers ARE their answers....and you can hold them accountable to that

be still
and then make your moves....

ARK^^

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OMG This is amazing!!! I love this post! Bravo!!!!! hurray

What an uplifting read. Thanks!


Me-39 H-38/Married 19years/DD18 & DS10
Dday EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08
Moved in w/Sea Hag 08/01/08
Read SAA Sept 08 Plan A 10/03/08 thru 11/15/08
Plan B 11/15/08-currently
01/18/09 Plan B crack w/phone call restating PBL
01/31/09 Planned brief contact
02/15/09 Delivery of Planned 2nd PBL
Filed for D Dec 2009 Recovering well!
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Just getting your wayward home is not enough.
You want a spouse back who is not going to pull you into the chaos of a FALSE RECOVERY

Sexymamabear made this list. THIS is how Plan B should end.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REQUIREMENTS TO COMING HOME
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Humility

Remorse

Surrender emotionally before me and spiritually before God

Godly sorrow (not fleshly sorrow) (Godly: sorry that I ever had the A & did this to our family. Fleshly: sorry I hurt you)

Authentic repentance

Owns his choices and the consequences they caused (to himself, me, children, extended family, friends, etc.)

Apology for the A and his hurtful actions before and after

Confession & apology to children

Confession to extended family & certain close friends that have confronted him

IC, MC, & Family C

Accountability forever to 3 men that I choose

Attend church again

NC Letter

Provide all cell phone & credit card records from this past year

Complete radical honesty about our entire history together

15+ hours together weekly

Pray with me daily

Polygraph

Post Nup agreement that provides for me very well if we ever divorce


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beware of your thoughts, they become words

beware of your words, they become actions

beware of your actions, they become habits

beware of your habits, they become character

beware of your character, they become your destiny

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Bumpity Bump!

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And once more for good measure.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Originally Posted by Pepperband
beware of your thoughts, they become words

beware of your words, they become actions

beware of your actions, they become habits

beware of your habits, they become character

beware of your character, they become your destiny

Pep,

Very interesting that you put that on this thread.

Have you ever read "The Tongue-A Creative Force" by Charles Capps?

My sister gave it to me and I'm about half way through it. I highly reccomend it.

Amazin

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Originally Posted by Amazin
Have you ever read "The Tongue-A Creative Force" by Charles Capps?

My sister gave it to me and I'm about half way through it. I highly reccomend it.

Amazin

I've never heard of it. A book, right? Paperback?

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Yes it's a paperback.

A christian book. A short read... about 175 pages. I think it was originally published in 1976.

ISBN-10: 0892740612

Amazon.com The tongue - A Creative Force

Amazin

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