I am 42 year old professional, as is my wife we have been together 16 years and married for 12 of these years, we have child a beautiful daughter of 5yrs old that never stops smiling that we both adore.

I discovered my wifes affair by chance a week ago, up until that moment I had no idea at all.

We had the type of relationship where we trusted each other completely - I never snooped at all, never felt the need. Then one week ago just by chance I went into the bedroom and notice my wifes mobile phone ringing, I ignore it at first, never thought to look at it but it rang again and again. I thought it must be urgent after the sixth time or so i pick it up but the caller hung up - it was a female name. I felt that was odd she was desperate to speak to my wife but hung up. My wife had been out the previous night and had had a sleep over not an unusual event but then completely out of character I looked through her text messages and my world broke.

There were hundreds of text messages from this "girl", intimate messages I decided to forward some of these messages to my phone to confront my wife later after our daughter had gone to sleep.

Unfortunately my wife interrupted me and saw I was holding her phone - she demanded I hand it over - I said I only picked it up because someone has been ringing constantly - I ask her who was so and so and she got defensive when pushed said it was a friend I said do you text all your friends that way.

She then claimed she had been acting as a go between for a friend and her lover etc etc. I said some of the text messages where absolutely personal to her, and why had she feminised the name but she claimed that she was just a friend and had introduced them, I ask her how someone could reveal so much about themselves through a third party but she was dismissive.

I then began a full investigation, it was damning emails, phone records, bank statements, each time I revealed a little more evidence the story has changed to accommodate it, finally she admitted something had happened, a drunken grope at a summer works party. I said the weight of evidence did not show this, but she insisted that she never had full intercourse with him and that it was just attention that mad her feel good. She said that she had never been to his house, never slept over, never really dated him etc etc. That he was an idiot.

However the records of the communication showed constant text messages and phone calls that would start first thing in the morning and end last thing at night except a few half days and full nights which is when I presume they where together.

The only other time no calls or texts where sent where during a period when my wife was away on a girls holiday prior to Christmas.

She had denied he was there on holiday, but I have found pictures showing that they where on holiday and worst still as guest a a wedding.

Our relationship was such that my wife going out late with her friends or even having a sleep over did not raise any suspicion and was not unusual.

I am at the stage now where I know, they went on dates, she had full a relationship, they where regular sex partners.

At this moment I seem obsessed with finding out the details of the relationship, she has hidden her laptop and I am obsessed by it. Her reason for hiding it is that she has a right to privacy I am also obsessed with the sexual images of them together, what did he did with my wife she did not do with me, was he a better lover and all the other doubts and insecurities. My feelings are that I want to know everything, warts and all, where they went, what they did , how often. I know that the coil was discussed (IUD) and she has admitted to one occasion of unprotected sex. I am also obsessed with the sexual images of them together, what did he did with my wife she did not do with me, was he a better lover and all the other doubts and insecurities.

She says she loves me and is sorry and just wants to forget the whole thing and move on and that she has told me everything. I do not blame my wife entirely and realize on some level I was a factor, and by going through this site I can recognize that I have failed to meet some of my wifes intimate needs.Despite my wifes infidelty I do not believe that sex was he motavation as she is not that sexual and has repeated that this guy was not about the sex.
However I am a good person, I always try to do the right thing and I always put others first .

How much do I have a right to know, how much detail? Is it better to know or better to imagine ?

I feel that without the full facts I can not make a true honest assessment of my situation.

I feel I need to know everything, for my own sanity.

My wife says he never meant anything to her (despite the evidence) and will not discuss what has happened unless under cross examination. She tells me I am being intrusive, she tired of being questioned. She told me what I need to know. However she can not even be open with simple stuff, her friends phone numbers and addresses are not available to me even though I have know some of them for years.

I would never contact them and will never discuss what has happen with anyone who really knows me. I am too ashamed. I have always been a problem solver to other people a place to get help. Also I would not want anyone to question my wifes integrity or character.

I have never been one to question and I am at the point where I do not recognized my behavior I am traumatized but functioning.

I have started to question and doubt everything in the year 2000, a similar thing happen were at a friends house her phone buzzed I picked it up and there was an incriminating text she used the same excuse then, but I accepted it (total trust remember) – I have brought this up and she swears that time it was true.

Again - How much do I have a right to know, how much detail? Is it better to know or better to fill in the blanks yourself.

My wifes continued wish for “privacy” makes me think that she can not change.

She says she loves me, want to be with me I think I want this too but can not move forward without full disclosure and an on going openness.

Thank you for listening

Last edited by Geeman; 04/12/09 02:48 PM.