Geeman,
I'm very sorry that you are hear. It sounds like your wife has been in a long term emotional and physical affair. The veterans will be along shortly to help you, but in the meantime, you may want to notify an admin and request that this thread be moved to the General Questions II forum. It gets a lot more traffic. Also, the weekends are kind of slow here, so don't get discouraged if you don't receive many replies right away.

Its good that you have been reading here, as it will really help ground you and help you develop a plan. It is imperative that you have a plan, so you are not flailing around in the wind, being driven by your emotions. Read and re-read the Plan A, emotional needs, and love busters material. That is for your benefit and will help you be a better man and husband regardless of whether you save your marriage or not.

On to your questions, you asked how much you have a right to know. The simple answer is, you have a right to know whatever details you want to know. Every betrayed spouse is different. Some want to everything, some want to know next to nothing. The important thing is for you to get to the point that you don't need any more details. Your wife keeps saying she deserves privacy, but what she is really asking for is secrecy. There is a saying here that goes something like "Privacy is getting to keep the door closed when you go to the bathroom."

You need to watch your wife like a hawk now, because she is going to do whatever she can to throw you off the scent so she can continue the affair. You know she was emotionally invested in it for them to be texting all day every day. Those emotions don't get turned off just because you found out. The affair is like an addiction. She is addicted to how good she felt with the other man showering her with attention, and she will not give that up easily. If she truly establishes No Contact with him, she will go through a withdrawal period just like a drug addict. If she doesn't, she is either a sociopath or she is still in contact with him. Its as simple as that.

The bottom line I think, is that you need to be strong now. No crying, wimpering, or begging her for answers. Your wife has wronged you and groveling to her will only cause an even further loss of respect for you. So until, you get more responses here, keep reading the material and other peoples stories. You will see what works and what doesn't. Also snoop any way you can. Its HIGHLY unlikely that your wife has ended her affair at this point. I would recommend installing a keylogger on your computer such as the one at www.relytec.com as well as getting a digital voice activated recorded and hiding it in her car. Lastly, you could hide a cheap pay as you go phone in her car with the GPS function activated, so you can look up where her car is any time of the day or night.

Hopefully you don't find any evidence of an ongoing affair, but I fear you will because her attitude is all wrong. If she is continuing her affair, then you expose to everyone who can put pressure on her to end it. I forgot to ask, is the OM married? If so, you must tell his wife immediately! She deserves to know and can help ensure that they stay out of contact. Other exposure targets are your parents, wife's parents, OM's work, wife's work, ...

Don't be squeamish about exposure. It seems counterintuitive, but it really is your best tool to end the affair.


ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.