I recently (2 weeks ago) found out my wife was having an affair. My wife travels a lot for her job and she met him on a business trip. They have been together (sexually) for about 2 months now. She says she does not know what to do, she is torn, but does not want to stop seeing him. She does not want a divorce and I'm not sure if I can forgive her. We have two young kids, 7 and 9, so I wanted to try to work things out if possible. She has removed her wedding rings and has been civil, but at times very cold and calus. I am trying hard not to lose my cool for the sake of the kids, but it's hard. The problem for me is I left work three years ago because of her job to care for the kids. Now I am looking to go back to work, but she seems unwilling to adjust her schedule. We live in Texas and have no extended family for support. If I was on firmer financial ground and sure about future employment, I don't know that I would be here. I can't believe I am having to live with her knowing she is continuing with him. My concern is for the kids, but right now her judgement seems clouded and she is viewing things through rose colored glasses. Should I push the issue and file for D or do I wait and see what happens? I know I would win custody of the kids, so I also have the option of moving back to MA (don't really want to) where I have family support. I'm sure at some point she is going to view this as a big mistake, but it may already be to late. Any thoughts........Thanks

First of all welcome and sorry you find yourself here.

Have you exposed the A to anyone? Exposure is the key to ending the A.

It sounds like you are looking at things accurately. She will regret it. file for divorce. There has to be some consequence in hopes of her waking up. Either she will wake up or go through with it. You have to think of the kids. They should not be raised in the family of a cheating spouse. You deserve better. JMHO

Have you read about exposure on this site? Can you expose this A to people who are important to her? What do you know about the OM? Is he married? Can you give us a little more info on these things?

My immediate thought is to get to an attorney to discuss your options, maritally, financially and otherwise. Financially she holds all the cards, since she's the breadwinner, and that puts you at a bit of a disadvantage right now. That can also work in your favor, though. See an attorney.

My friend, try and end it. EXPOSE HER TO EVERYONE! Right now, including the kids. Tell them mommy has a boyfriend. BLOW IT UP W/OUT WARNING. If she loses it, fine. Also, you are in Texas which would require temp spousal support from her while you are divorcing, so you may not want to get a job just yet. DON"T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE NO MATTER WHAT SHE SAYS. DUDE

No! Don't file for divorce right now. That's reacting. Dr. Harley has a better plan, starting with exposure. Filing for divorce should NEVER be used as a tactic to force a WS to wake up. You should only file IF you want a divorce, are done with the marriage, or need to protect your assets and/or get a custody order in place.

Start with exposure. Read up on it first and learn how to do it effectively. It is a POWERFUL tool to kill the affair. Only after the affair is dead can you begin to work on recovery of your marriage.

Read up on Plan A and Plan B, exposure, LoveBusters, etc. ORDER THE BOOK SURVIVING AN AFFAIR TODAY. It's the bible around here.

Definitely what PM said above. As the BS, you will always have the option to D, but your M IS recoverable.

What you will read here is that your W is not herself now. She is an alien. She is intoxicated from the high of the A. I know from experience, because I was once a WH. So your first goal is to break her from the addiction. And yes, she will go through withdrawal like a drug addict.

A quick note: do not tell her about this site (yet). Also, don't tell her when you are about to do something (like expose). You just do it.

You are in the right place. Good luck.

Is your WW still continuing to see the OM and have sex with him?



Unfortunately, right now she's holding a lot of the cards as you are currently unemployed. Trying to work things out with someone holding most of the cards usually ends up with an arrangement that's in their favour, not yours.



See note above. Translation: she wants to continue holding those cards.



Waiting is not a plan.

If you wish to recover your M, you first need to break up the A. Exposure may work here, but I have my doubts, considering the circumstances - and bear in mind that the stats for recovered Ms where the WS is the W are not very encouraging. I think you need to get your hands on more cards; to basically put yourself in a position that will have a greater influence on the outcome. My suggestion would be to talk to a lawyer about how you can protect yourself and your kids from your WW's activities while you concentrate on finding a job and regaining some of those cards that are now held by your WW.

Here's a great thread that has a ton of information in it for newbies to read. FOR NEWLY BETRAYED SPOUSES by longhorn


1. Educate yourself (quickly)
2. Stay calm
3. DON'T Move out
4. Expose
5. Plan A
6. Plan D (meaning you fight for your marriage while also preparing and protecting yourself just in case this goes to divorce...some of this is done contemporaneously with the other fights but on the backside unknown to your wife. You may THINK you've got the upper hand as far as custody goes but you must be careful not to blow that advantage. I hope you can save your marriage but you can't control your WW and you have to be ready for the possibility this won't end well by being a calm and calculated soldier in the war for your family)

Mr. Wondering

Again...

Read that threat "For Newly Betrayed Spouses" by Longhorn on the Notable Posts board.


Tell us about OM. Is he married? Do he live with someone? Does he have a girlfriend?

You need to find out everything about him. If you can access his Facebook or myspace account try to print off a copy of all of his friends and contacts. If you've cracked into your wife's emails...sometimes OM's forward jokes along to EVERYONE. Print that off with the email addresses of his most important friends.

ManinMotion is right about it being more difficult to get a WW out of an entrenched affair but that doesn't mean we can help you to get them to end it. It's only been a few months so this ISN'T some long term affair. It just means we've got to find a way to get OM to end it. Exposure on his side of the fence is very important...his personal relationships, his acquantances, his kids, his JOB are all fair game. He'll dump your wife when it becomes too much trouble for him but this can't wait the sooner you get your exposure plan set the better.

Please post what you intend to do FIRST as many a BS has come here, gotten a few posts and run off half-hazzardly trying to effect the advice only to realize they weren't doing it right and made things WORSE.

Educate and get advice BEFORE you run into battle...

WE have all been there so we know what you are going through.

Mr. Wondering

About Exposure...

--Exposure targets
Anyone with influence over your WS or the marriage. WS' parents, siblings, best friend, children if they're over 4. OP's siblings, parents, spouse. Your priest or similar if you're religious. Their employer if they work together. Work exposure should be done *in writing* to the head of HR, the CEO, and WS' boss. All of them should know the others were copied; this makes it harder for them to toss the letter into the trash and forget about it.

--Exposure message
Use a formal letter for work exposure. Everything else is short and sweet: "OP and WS are having an affair. I love WS and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have." The exposure message is not vengeful; it is a message of love.

--No warning
Do NOT threaten to expose, do not tell her you're going to expose. Just do it. If she has advance warning, she will tell her friends and family "We are having trouble in our marriage. H is controlling and angry. He won't talk to me, he won't listen to me. He is possessive and jealous, and he accuses me of insane things. Sometimes I'm scared for my physical well-being, he's changed that much. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, otherwise I don't think I could bear the abuse. OM has been especially helpful in offering insights into how a man would see things. I just hope we can make it but I'm not sure we can." How do you think your exposure is going to sound after an oscar winning performance like that?

--Exposure after-effects
Your WS is going to be furious. You will hear predictable things like "I can never trust you again. I was going to dump OP and reconcile but you've blown any chance of that. I hate you. I'm filing for D." Don't EVEN pay attention to this stuff. Your WS is just angry because the super-fun super-secret affair is suddenly looking downright tawdry and the fun is turning into a nightmare. Just ignore most of it. If your WS tries to talk about divorce, say "I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Then change the subject. If your WS tries to pick a fight, tell them you'd very much like to discuss things when you can both be calm and rational, and leave the room if you have to. If she says things like "How could you do this?!" tell her you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

I hope he's okay.

patriot45,

""but does not want to stop seeing him. She does not want a divorce""


We call this cake eating or fence sitting. Having the best of both emotional needs sources.

You must find out as much as you can about the OM, other man, so you can expose to all concerned. Is the OM part of her work? A vendor? Is he married? (hope so)

It sounds like he must be local if they have been together for 2 months. Unless she meets him on the plane as they travel around, like the "UP IN THE AIR" movie with George Cloony.

""her judgement seems clouded and she is viewing things through rose colored glasses.""

This is the addiction that is adultry and the OM. And it is an addiction. At MB we call it the FOG and things she says like "I don't want a D but I don't want to stop seeing him" is what we call FOGBABBLE.

If I were you, I would read all there is on PLAN A. Plan A is being the best husband, companion, friend, lover (?), father, etc. you can be. Start doing a hard plan A.

Do nothing drastic right now. Snoop and find out all you can about the low life. How did you discover the A. Emails? Phone records?

When you have the pertinent info, you then EXPOSE to all that matter to your W. Her work, Family, and all that matter to the OM, like his wife, if that is the case.

You bring the A out into the light of day and the sordidness of the A takes over and the exitement and intrigue of the A withers on the vine.

Dude, this should be a dialogue with everyone replying to you, let us know we are not just banging our fingers to the nub typing these missives to you.

IMHO

kirk

Do not leave your home-Do not leave your home- did I mention not to leave your home???

The other man is not married (divorced) They met on a business trip and stayed in touch. The only person who knows about this my sister.... Her side of the family knows nothing. If I told her parents, I KNOW it would be all over for us. Her parents and sister would never forgive her. I just accepted a new position which I start next week, so that should help. I just don't know how you come back from this. There is no spark and the way we feel right now, it's hard to reignite. I know there is differing views on this, but right now my thought is to file for divorce and see what happens. At least it's moving in a direction.

YOu can go plan D, but I would still expose this to EVERYONE!!! She will spin it and blame the divorce on you! DUDE

D is your choice, and, many times the best choice. You know yourself better than anyone and this may be something that is a dealbreaker for you. It is for the majority of people.
I agree with Dude. Don't be left holding the bag. Tell the kids and anyone else you feel like. These folks should not skate.

He is not married and they are able to meet because he is an independent software contractor. She does a lot of business in the same areas he works, so they arrange to meet. As far as plan A, how do you do that when you know what she is doing. How do you get past that? There is no love making right now, she gives the occational hug and kiss, but there is nothing else there. She has also started spending money like crazy again and she is becoming less involved with the kids. Part of me is sad about OUR situation, then I think about how selfish she is being and I want to throw her out. What to do???

I am truly sorry that you find yourself here, Patriot but it is absolutely the best place for you to be in your circumstances. It is a marriage builder site not a divorce site so I would say that the first thing that you need to do is decide if you want to recover your M. If you think that it is worth a try then I would advise you to read everything on the site and keep posting. Follow the spot on advice that the pros here give you. In the end, you may still end up with a divorce but at least, you can look your two small children in the eyes and tell them that you did everything that you possibly could to save your family.

God's Blessings,

Say

I think you should put up every obstacle to her affair that you can. Exppose, so her secrecy is destroyed. Try to sequester your family funds, if possible. Don't even contemplate making love, as she is, potentially, a walking incubator for STDs.
Call her work and notify them, in the event she is using company resources or time to conduct her affair.

Tell your kids, asap, in an age appropriate manner that "mommy has a boyfriend."
She'll be furious. That is good.