Speaking as someone who had an A and - as a bipolar - has some experience with IC, I agree with both Mel and AC. The best kind of IC is CBT. My first IC wanted to spend time tracing back my earliest feelings of rejection back to kindergarten while my M lay bleeding in the wake of my A. Useless. And let me tell ya, my childhood wasn't perfect.

I would talk to your H about these very valid concerns. If you two call the Harley's they will be able to give you even better guidance about IC's. As far as his IC wanting to help him work through depression all the consequences caused, those are normal. I cheated, and there were consequences both for me and for the innocent family I hurt. The key to REAL self esteem is to face the ugly honestly, make amends, and become once again a H who can love and care for his family.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. My last suggestion would be to try to find him a male IC. My most recent encounter with a counselor who was a man was an exercise in discomfort - he basically hit on me.

Your H needs good counsel on finding the right IC. This is something you can help him to see, esp if his mother agrees.