Originally Posted By: somebody123
I checked the phone records this morning and I shouldn't do this but its like I need to know. Of course he is still calling her a couple times a day. It breaks my heart when I see this. She will use that kid to talk to him.

I will tell him again, that he needs to tell her about us, and to stop talking to her. I wish I could tell her the other side of the story, that he is lying to her too. I wondering what she is thinking, what he tells her about me.

Your husband is not serious about ending this affair, or he would have done so by now. He is stringing you along, and eating cake (as well as dinner) round at your house, and also round at hers. He is getting his needs met by two women, and giving little or nothing to both of them - the perfect life. He can keep up that situation for ever, since there is no incentive for him to end either relationship. The only way for it to be brought to a close is for you to end it.

You need to read and learn Dr Harley's guidelines for ending an affair. Your husband needs to agree never to have contact in any form with this woman again, and that includes going to the paternity test. Let a judge order him to take a test if OW goes that far, but unless that happens, his relationship with OC and her child is OVER, this instant, if he is serious about rebuilding with you.

He needs to hand write a No Contact letter, and you need to check the wording and post it. You need to work out a means of never seeing OW again, and this might mean moving house. You can do that this week, by putting your house up for rent and renting one somewhere else. It might also mean his changing job; he needs to give his notice today, and take leave immediately, if they work together, or if he works near where she lives.

Moving house and job might seem like overkill, but the risk to your marriage is immense if you don't. You are facing perhaps a few months of economic hardship by moving suddenly, versus the next 18 years of OW demanding that your husband stay in her child's life - because she really wants to take him away from you. You might be able to hold out against her tactics for a year or two, but your marriage will break down when they inevitably maintain their sexual relationship - and you need to know that that will absolutely happen.

He needs to agree enthusiastically to do all this TODAY, and if he doesn't, you should give him up and let her have him - she has him anyway. See a lawyer and get maintenance and child support for you and your kids.

You certainly should and must check the phone receipts, and you need to do this for the foreseeable future, if he claims to have ended the affair. You must, in fact, find a better way of spying, so that you know what they text each other, and what they say on the phone. There is a whole forum here, called Operation Investigate, that you need to read through to find resources.

Your spying needs forever to be secret. You must never let him know how you know what you know. For now, you don't need to tell him that you know he speaks to her every day, because he has not committed to the marriage. You need to see if that commitment (including not going to the test, No Contact, moving house etc) is forthcoming, and if it is, you then demand transparency with his phone, email and workplace communications. You continue to spy, and take further decisions if you find further contact.

The task of keeping your marriage together is monumental with the fact of an OC. If you do not get this right from the beginning - starting with no paternity test - you will live to see your marriage collapse, quite soon.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.