This is my first post here. We are 6 months out from our official DDay. So far, things have been going well, all things considered. We had a mini DDay 9 months ago and entered into a false recovery. Contact with the OW continued for 3 more months while my FWH attempted to end it (she was threatening to tell me and expose it at work, and was using self-harm and feigned illness to try to keep him around). Ultimately, she DID tell me (indirectly) and that was our official DDay.
My FWH cut all contact with the OW immediately. It started as a work friendship involving frequent group texts, then became one-on-one texts which increased in frequency and intimacy until the worst occurred. He describes it as a friendship that he allowed to get out of hand. Beware of texting!! It's a big threat to marriages! I've done enough research and reading to say I'm almost 100% sure this was a conflict-avoidance affair mixed with a mid-life crisis. Basically, she filled the unmet emotional needs I didn't even know he had because we were lacking in open, honest communication (avoiding conflict).
FWH is deeply remorseful, very ashamed of his behavior (which was extremely out of character) and hates himself for what he has done. He has been doing a fantastic job of making reparations, being transparent, taking responsibility for what happened, and showing me he is 110% recommitted to our marriage. We both said we already feel closer than we have felt in years. We are dating again, having open honest communication, have taken up some new hobbies together, and cuddle on the couch when we watch TV. We installed GPS on our our phones so we both can spot check each other at any time, but I no longer feel the need to do this. His attention is clearly back on me and our home and life/future together. We've read His Needs, Her Needs, and the 5 Love Languages. We're actively working on meeting each others' top emotional needs--things are definitely improving steadily.
My question is: How do I handle a bad day? I'm still having them occasionally. My good days definitely outnumber my bad ones, but sometimes I slip backwards into feelings of intense anger, or deep grief, or an overwhelming sense of this new reality. Sometimes questions will pop up in my mind that make me want to open up the can of worms again, but I resist. I know once the details of the affair have been discussed we're not supposed to bring it up anymore, and we're supposed to focus on the present and making our relationship amazing from here on out. So how do you handle moments when you are still cycling through strong feelings? If I can't hide my emotions, I tell my FWH that I'm having a "bad day," or that "everything's crashing down on me today." I don't mention anything specific to the affair itself, but even the fact that I'm having a bad day seems to make my husband feel horrifically guilty and self-loathing, and I feel like it puts us several steps back. How can you authentically move through your feelings as a BS while not reminding the FWS of what he's done and making huge withdrawals from his Love Bank?