If you are a BS who had a FALSE RECOVERY
I am requesting you share about your FR

1. WHAT did you do that you wish you'd done differently?

2. WHAT clues did you miss (or ignore) that your WS was not ready for recovery?

3. WHAT lessons did you learn that you'd like to pay forward to others, so that they might avoid a FR?

Thanks!

Need help please.

Pepper,
This may be a stupid question. Could you first define false recovery?

I am the self proclaimed QUEEN of FR's.

What would I do differently? I would have done a better plan A in the beginning without the LB's and AO's AND I would have taken the advice given here repeatedly to go to a very dark plan B.

Excellent question !

FR = affair never ended or restarted during recovery

List so far:

1. Good plan A with minimal LBs and AOs
2. Very DARK plan B

1. WHAT did you do that you wish you'd done differently?
see above post

2. WHAT clues did you miss (or ignore) that your WS was not ready for recovery?

hmmm, leaving earlier for work so he could call the OW. Coming home later so he could call the OW.
Believing him when he said he didn't "hear" the phone ring when I called when in fact he was talking to the OW.
Not realizing that the end of phone calls showing up on the bill meant he had a secret affair phone with OW.
Not picking up on him asking me exactly WHEN I was going to call home when I went to a weekend retreat with DD.
Not questioning WHY DS's stroller had been in the car.
Accepting blame for his anger instead of realizing it was deflection so I wouldn't question what he was doing.
Thinking him spending all his time in the bedroom instead of with the family was part of some "depression".

3. WHAT lessons did you learn that you'd like to pay forward to others, so that they might avoid a FR?

Listen to your gut.
Do a solid plan A and then go to a dark plan B!!!
Don't accept blame for the affair.
Stop believing the wayward babble.

I honestly thought it included so much more. Thank you for clarifying that.
On that note I can't contribute to this discussion, but I can learn from it.

Does a one day recovery count?

FF, could you explain that one a little more?
Thanks.

Yes. I think your experience will be useful for other readers. (one in particular )

Sure! I was monitoring the cell phone bills on-line. During the period he claimed (I think this was FR # 3) that he was no longer talking to OW and sure enough the phone calls to and from her had stopped but the SIGNS of the A were still there, it turns out they went and got a cell phone account together so they could talk without prying eyes.

Did you ever find a secret phone, if yes, how?
What signs of the A specifically can you identify?
Thanks

During our first FR my WW wrote me the "all the right things letter".


Admitting to the pain it caused me, her, the kids, etc.
Working on trust, love, etc.

It was perfect. FR lasted maybe a week? Hard to say. She said I was to "smothering".

Hope this is something!

A REALLY useful piece of information!

1. Define your minimum requirements for recovery and a time frame.

I leapt on any possibility to recover with my ex on the barest efforts on his part - mostly talk.

I'll never forget the Sunday that we went to church together, and he stood up in church and asked for prayers for our marriage and recovery.

That same Sunday night, I caught him and the OW in bed together.

If I could do it over, I would INSIST that he have no contact with the OW before I even entertained the idea of recovering the marriage.

Hello !

My memory gets a bit fuzzy as the years go by, which is a blessing since those days tended to be rather dark in retrospect. I may have mixed up some of the details.

I had at least two or three (or 4) false recoveries. Each time I let him back too soon. The first one was around the holidays. That 'recovery' lasted until mid to late January...or sooner.

I let him back too soon without safeguards in place. He didn't get boundaries. He still felt very entitled especially to privacy...etc. He moved into an apartment for 4 months after that. I exposed to OW husband. She told him she was 'in luv' with mine...and wanted a D. He didn't try to save the marriage but went directly to D. The D took a yr and a half or two. They had 3 kids as did we.

This was all pre-MB. I made lots of mistakes and did lots of stupid things. I confronted the other woman at her house and when she lied to my face I slapped her across hers...she could have had me arrested, I suppose. I used to obsessively drive by WH's apartment or her house always trying to catch them. Then I tried to 'move on'...made WH a bit jealous....he became quite a fence sitter. I had an A with my H at some point. He moved back home.

Their no contact may have lasted a few months.
I think they tried to cool it for her divorce but it wasn't real.
He started locking his truck, being late or unreachable on his cell phone...being distant, criticizing almost everything I did or didn't do...even stupid little things of no consequence.

His excuse...when I figured it out...was that he just wanted to call and see how she was doing. I found a secret affair cell phone (which she provided for him) hidden in his truck...I found it while he was napping or something and I had found the spare key to his truck. The phone was in a red leather case hidden behind the seat in the box where the jack was kept. Actually, there may have been other false recoveries because I recall another time seeing the secret cell phone on his truck seat once...as though he wanted to be found out ending another false recovery. So, I may have some of these details mixed up.

We seemed to be doing well for a few months....had a honeymoon time...but there was still something entitled...without remorse, about his attitude. Once it was clear that they were back on...he moved in with her after her D was final in March. The A lasted another month or two...REALITY had set in. He wanted to come home. He moved in with a friend for a couple of months. I wouldn't let him come right home that time. He needed to get counseling, we got some counseling together. That A was on and off for about 4 yrs.

I had read Love Must be Tough...and a shelf full of other book including HNHN... but thought we were ok enough not to push it on him. After all, people thought we were newlyweds we seemed to happy together. We even renewed our vows in church.

Again, it was great for a while. But, he still didn't understand boundaries and why he needed them. I still felt that I couldn't bring up uncomfortable subjects with him...the A.

So, he became acquainted with another needy married woman...this one was rather pretty, younger. They became friends....I don't know if anything happened between them then but I found him at her house and it took several minutes for him to come out....he was in the bathroom. He claimed they were just friends. I was outraged.

He didn't see her after that until she called our office about a yr and a half later and I gave him the message. I had never learned her name before. Her husband had just left her so another affair was on. That lasted 8 months. I didn't find out it was the same woman the he had said he was 'just friends' with...at first I thought it was the OW with whom he had the 4 yr affair.

All the same signs came back again...the distance, the disappearing, lame excuses for not being available by cell phone, the criticism etc. I busted him with his cell phone records again. Studid guy. He still claims they 'only' had sex 2 times and he couldn't perform the last time. Even though we've been through MB and he has agreed to RH...I still doubt that it was only 2x. I wish I would have insisted on a polygraph...he said he wouldn't take one. I also imagine he was unfaithful many more times in our marriage when thinking about his marital behavior on and off. At one point he said he did...because he could...he has always lied easily...unfortunately.

This time, I reacted without emotion, I was calm...felt like I was done...I had had it....he could leave, we'd separates all our stuff...lives and we'd D. Then we went to speak with our priest at the time and he recommended we speak with a rational emotive behavior therapist. We saw him several times. He read Surviving and affair and seemed to 'get it'.

My H decided he didn't want a D, he ended the A. A few months later we went to the MB weekend (March 2003) and did the follow up. He was completely different this time. Remorseful, repentant...did lots of the footwork/actions himself. He now understands what he needs to do to maintain he personal boundaries...that he can't have woman friends without me...and he can't have intimate personal conversation with women.

This last year he worked out of state for the better part of 6 months. Dr. Harley says we shouldn't be separated of even one night. We are separated lots more than that...well, so far so good....but I don't like the situation. It is the main way he is earning a living right now. H constantly reassures me of his boundaries and what he is doing. So far, so good...but time will tell how this works long term. It is hard to reconnect right away when he comes back after being gone so long.

Before MB, I tried following Love Must be Tough and followed advice in that book at different points...but not consistently enough. I wish I had MB sooner rather than later. I found MB website in Dec. '02 and read about plan A and plan B. A light went on. I found the forum when we were already starting recovery a few months later...maybe after our MB weekend. Unfortunately, through all the false recoveries I had a bad case of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome...and this whole subject has consumed way to much of my life. I can only hope that in the end I will be glad I chose to stay in this marriage. Our marriage is better than pre-A's but I sure wish I could have skipped this learning experience.

Now who on earth could that be hmmmm...

remorseful
repentant
boundaries
willing to walk the walk not TALK TALK TALK