Hello BED, welcome to MB! I want to first ask you some questions to determine if the stage is set for your marriage to recover. Most marriages don't ever recover from infidelity because they have no plan. Instead they limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage and eventually end up divorced. I see a few red flags in your post but I wanted to first ask:

1. has he left this job and ended all contact with his OW?
2. has the affair been exposed to family, friends, workplace?

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He describes it as a friendship that he allowed to get out of hand. Beware of texting!! It's a big threat to marriages!

Affairs always start as opposite sex friendships, regardless of texting. It would have started another way if he had opposite sex friendships. As soon as some needs are met outside of marriage, others are soon to follow. So, I would urge you to focus on OS friendships, and not texting. The texting was just the communication method.

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I've done enough research and reading to say I'm almost 100% sure this was a conflict-avoidance affair mixed with a mid-life crisis. Basically, she filled the unmet emotional needs I didn't even know he had because we were lacking in open, honest communication (avoiding conflict).

It was a garden variety affair that happens with a spouse who has poor boundaries around the opposite sex. Blaming "Mid life crisis" is a form of denial. But you are right that she did meet his needs - BECAUSE HIS LOVEBANK IS OPEN.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101