Hi there SadMan,<P>Nope, not Suse. It's DMac. She's been on my 'puter again. Dayam gotta talk to that woman! <P>Don't know if you've ever bumped into my posts and know my history. I'm Suse's H.<P>Over the last couple of days, Suse has noticed your story and mentioned how effectively you're approaching things with your W. She really empathises!<P>I think I have some experiences which you might find of value (betrayed, betrayer, ex-internet junkie, counselling background). Ick, doesnt' look too flattering when I coldly present it. <P>Anyways, apologies for being brief...need to go to work. I'll do some more reading of your situation later on and post back. <P>Be well,<P>DMac<p>[This message has been edited by suse (edited January 17, 2000).]

Thanks, I know that my wife was very glad to hear suse's reply to her letter, especially now that she's dealing with the guilt, shame and the whole gammit of other emotions.<P>I think that she needs support from you guys more than she's probably want to admit to, at least somebody who can understand where she's coming from. I know I'll be there for her, but I'm biased and cannot understand completely the wayward side of the issue, just as she can't completely understand the betrayed side of the issue -- Though we both try very hard to understand each others feeling and reasoning, so that we also gets a better feeling for where we're each coming from.<P>I'll be looking forward to hear from you DMac and everybody else who have something to contribute with, and I know that my wife shares the same feelings.

*Sorry, dear*... I forgot to change it back <P>(tee-hee! I'm still on his computer - it's faster than mine - cable modem! ZOOM! )

There...it IS me this time. Even tho' she's been on my computer agaaaaain! <P>Hi you two. Listen carefully. I hope what follows doesn't sound preachy. I do mean it sincerely and hope our own crappy experiences can help others like yourselves from being sooooo stupid! <P> Suse and I are testament that you CAN survive this incident, move onwards together, and thrive. Also know that it will take much patience, hard work, and selflessness.<P>This may even come out as sounding strange, but this experience may bring you much closer together. They key is to understand WHY it happened. Also to give over your fears and insecurities. You must re-learn how to trust each other.<P>Marriages that prosper over time are all about trust. Infidelity is the opposite of that. Just take the Latin root of the word, "fidelis"... faithful. One in whom one can put one's faith...or...trust.<P>Objectively speaking, you're very early on in the process. Do you know that? There are plenty here on the Forum who've gone before you. Gently, I'll volunteer...I hope you can learn from us.<P>You two have got a LOT going for you. <BR>Dear Wife, I see a husband who is willing to put down his own insecurities and hurt in order to help support you in yours. <P>Dear Husband, I see a wife who feels she has shamed you, failed you. More importantly, she's shamed/failed herself. And, is angry at you for abandoning her in her time of need.<P>The best I could wish you is that you don't spend much energy affixing blame. Better to spend that energy on each other and your future.<P>I've been where you are and where you've been. Suse has been there, too. And, for many years, we were apart. Emotionally so. Afraid to risk being hurt. Afraid the other could never measure up. What a shame, eh?<P>You two have the ability to get past that stage. I admire you for taking the steps such as visiting the Forum. Given how recent your experience is, you're both very brave to be taking the steps forward as quickly as you have been.<P>I suppose that's enough for one nite. Lots to think about. Actually, now that I read this a second time, I hadn't expected to post to you both in such a strong manner. But... I'm going to risk leaving it.<P>Remember that regaining trust in one another is a process. It's not a product. It will take awhile...sometimes might even seem out of reach. Patience!<P>I hope this is some comfort. Know that while you are unique individuals, there are others who have had similar experience and prospered afterwards. <P>The best approach you can take for now is to keep talking. Talk, talk, talk between yourselves. Visit the board to gain perspective. Then, talk some more.<P>I hope we can help make your recovery speedier than our own. I'll leave you with this: you just might be only a little ways from the most joyous time of your life together. As crazy as that may seem.<P>All the best,<P>DMac

Dear DMac, you don't sound preachy at all, and we're grateful for the insight that you let us share.<P>I'm not quite sure where we're at at the moment, but I think that we're progressing rather rapidly (maybe too fast, I don't know). However, we've always had a strong bond between us (not just talking about the kids here ) 'cept we lost sight of it in the midst of all our problems. But now we've regained the perspective and our love and devotion to each other.<P>I have forgiven my wife for the affair (now that it's over) and are trying really hard to get past the hurt feelings, that are already subsiding. The reason that this has been relatively easy, is that I do actually partly blame myself for not being there for my wife when she needed me most, and thereby paving the road for the affair. My wife is also working on forgiving herself for this, and I think is making tremendous progress.<P>We have both agreed to not dwell on the past, but work on the present and the future, and in a twisted kind of way regard this affair as a hard lesson for us to rediscover our true feelings for each other and rebuild our marriage, not as it were before but better and more passionate.<P>We are well underway there, we've discovered our great love and need for each other. In fact I think that we're over the major hurdles and have regained intimacy (and some of the best sex, we've ever had )<P>And you're not crazy, we're having a passionate honeymoon right now, and I think with all the communication channels open, and Dr. Harley's excellent advice for a good marriage in the back of our head, we're on the highway to a much improved marriage, and soon we can both look back on this incident and see that though it was a mistake, it was what opened our eyes to what we mean to each other.<P>As for blame, there is little to gain from affixing blame to any of us, we share the blame, the shame, the guilt and the responsibility of not letting these feeling get in our way of a happy marriage.<P>Now we're just tired, since we have been talking and romatizising into the wee hours only to catch a couple of hours sleep until the kids wake up and a new joyous day begins.<P>Just so happy right now and so much in love with my wife <P>PS. All our best to you and Suse you're in our thoughts, and thanks for the thoughtful posts.<p>[This message has been edited by SadMan (edited January 18, 2000).]

Good good good good!<P>You two sound like you're doing soooo well. I'm smiling thinking about it. I'm also smiling reminiscing because it wasn't too long ago that Suse and I experienced the same sort of intensity as we reconnected. <P>Savor it! Go with the moment. You're doing so much right now to build a more meaningful relationship.<P>Listen...just a wee bit of advice from a couple just a bit ahead of you in the process... don't get too worried if you have a "flat" day once in awhile. You will have them. Suse got practically terrified early-on.<P>No worries. You'll find you can get past them too. Just keep talking. <P>All the best,<P>DMac

Gee, Duncky, this advice sound SO familiar! Guess there's a wee bit of a pattern on this board! <P>------<P>Sadman & wife:<P>Duncky may get a little goofy sometimes (sorry, DMac, but it's one of your endearing qualities), but he and Suse are an EXCELLENT example of success here. In fact, my W, Petunia and I pretty much used them as our shining example.<P>Glad to read that things are progressing with you two. We need more success stories here, and from the sounds of it, y'all are on the way there!<P>Keep up the good work! <P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>