Blue:<P>We ALL wish what you wish; and we all know too deeply the intense disappointment that nothing will ever truly be the same, deep down where it counts. But, I, for one, am two years and four months into this insanity and surrealistic journey and only into 'true' recovery for the last four months, and I have to tell you, in some ways, our love for each other has intensified. Maybe it isn't the lighthearted, easy, no shadows type love, free from jealousy and angst I once felt every hour for twenty years, but it is a renewal and rededication.<P>My husband is far, far more appreciative of me; desperately wants to make me happy, make things up to me, spend the rest of his life with me and me alone. I am not worried he will 'change' again like he did for those six weeks and leave me or cheat on me again. For one thing I told him if he did it again I would shoot him and he knows I am a crack shot. Hahaha<P>Blue, your pain is still so raw. It probably puzzles you when we joke about some of this as if we no longer have the pain, but it is still there, Blue...and it will never go away. But this should give you hope that it will get better, because it does. <P>As you can see, cd is four years into it and her marriage is rebounding. She can give a hilarious analogy of how she wishes she had telekenetic powers and a means for time travel. We laugh because if we don't, we'll cry.<P>It took me two years to get to where I could get through one day a week without thinking of the OW and what my husband did with her and what the results of his actions caused...something that to me is the ultimate in intimacy, so special and so sacred and it makes me sick right now that it was shared with someone so unworthy, just typing the words on these Keys make my eyes and nose sting. But it does not diminish where we are and how far we've come. It will be like this for you someday too, after much healing.<P>I remember feeling like you did; and still do at times. I remember standing on the balcony over looking the ocean at 4AM praying to God in a cadence, "Oh, please God, don't let it be true, don't let it be his" with sheets of tears running down my face. I remember the excruciating pain unlike anything I had ever endured in my life, and my life has been a difficult struggle since I was five. The rest of my life has been a cake walk in comparison.<P>So, Honey Blue, I do know, I do remember, and I do wish what you wish, but, like cd says...not one single star is capable of making the OW disappear. The stages we go through begin with denial, then anger, then sadness and melacholy...and then acceptance.<P>While I will never have complete acceptance, I am grateful I have a small measure of it to get through the todays to look forward to my tomorrows.<P>God bless you, comfort you, protect you and grant you peace.<P>Love,<P>Catnip =^^=
