acm- I think there needs to be a untied front with you and the H if you want your marriage to succeed. I think if you haven't you need to go to court to get reg. visitation set up. I think there needs to be boundaries and I don't think it is proper for your H to be staying at her house overnight or even visiting in her house without you. I was the OW that has children with MM. I fully expect and would accept boundaries. If it is totally about just seeing the child then your H and the OW should work on making that the goal without making you feel there is the possibility that more is involved or it could lead to more. That is just my opinion.