<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by funkedup:
<strong>Sty "Monogamy Myth" is this a book? If so who is the author?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Yes Funkedup, it is a book but the author's name escapes me for a minute. You can still find it by going to any retail chain bookstore or most of the the online bookstores like Amazon.com.<p>Joe

I remember a part of the book 'His needs, Her needs' in which Harley also mentions that a person might have all of their important EN's beign met and still fall into an A due to just beign around an attractive person. He states that when that happens, a person should run away from the attractive person as fast as s/he can to avoid beign swept up her/his feet.<p>Harley also has stated that those individuals that don't beleive that they would ever have an A are the most susceptible to have one. How many WS have we heard say 'I always thought that only weak people had A's and that I would never have one and yet I did'?<p>We BS's exposed to the trauma of our WS's or xWS's A, are now savier than before our respective WS's had their A on what can contribute to an A and what measures we need to optimize the probabilities against another one in the future. But sadly, the rest of the world is still in the same place we were before we had our D-day [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Joe<p>[ May 09, 2002: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</p>

Conqueror,<p>We're both right! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I know my original response was very simple. Unmet needs are typically part of the equation along with the WS not taking measures to protect themselves from the affair. Both spouses must follow the Four Rules - Care, Protection, Time & Honesty - in order to truly "affair-proof" a marriage. I'm sure even in a case where that's done there are always exceptions. He does say we are all wired for affairs, and it can happen to anyone at anytime if you are not careful.<p>This is always the problem when you try to say that "this" is what causes affairs. Whatever some expert is trying to say on TV, he/she typically only has a few seconds to try and explain something that really requires much more time to do. So they speak in generalizations. While that may work for the majority of people, there will also be many others who will say, "Hey! That's not the case with me!"<p>Good subject. <p>-HD

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I remember a part of the book 'His needs, Her needs' in which Harley also mentions that a person might have all of their important EN's beign met and still fall into an A due to just beign around an attractive person. He states that when that happens, a person should run away from the attractive person as fast as s/he can to avoid beign swept up her/his feet.<hr></blockquote><p>I'm not sure I agree with that. There's being with an attractive person, and then there's WANTING to BE with an attractive person.<p>I once worked with someone I'd never looked at twice, until I was having some serious marital problems (unemployed suicidal spouse). Suddenly he looked a lot different to me, and I'm certain I started giving off "I could be available" vibes instead of the other way around.<p>I ended up changing jobs just to get away from the situation, and it wasn't easy.<p>It may very well be easier for women to be able to flag such things than it is for men, because again, men are not in tune with what they "need." I have a very high-maintenance spouse who has no idea of how high-maintenance he is (perhaps because most of the time he gets what he needs, and when he didn't, and a predatory woman was around, he began to slip too.<p>We're not just creatures of the id. I think most of us if we're relatively content, are able to tell what the giant red flag when we mean it. It's when we aren't; when the person is giving us strokes our spouses don't, won't, or can't; that we become unable to see straight and are tempted.