Without getting into our whole history, which I've discussed in previous posts, here's a quick summary. Me 40, W 37, son 9, daugther 13, M 18+ yrs, together over 22 yrs. WS informed me on 1/12/02 she loved me, I was her b/f but wasn't in love with me anymore. Found out later that day there was an OM. She moved out 2/2 and filed for DV at the end of March and DV could be final at end of July. She's also planning on building a house with the OM soon.<p>During our M, W never complained about being unhappy with me. All I ever heard was how much she loved me and how I was the best husband & father ever going. Now I'm hearing stories ranging from I never loved you, I've loved you up until a couple years ago, I hate that you were a picky eater, I hate that you're too introverted, I never wanted to marry you to begin with, etc...<p>She spends all her time with the OM and we share custody of the kids 50/50, although my daugther can't stand OM and tries to be at my place as much as possible to stay away from him. I think the hardest thing for me is that she's trying to make it like they are a family of 4 and she's not even DV'd yet.<p>My W tells me she should have left me yrs. ago and that it's just bad timing she waited for the OM to come along. She said she never told me she was unhappy because she doesn't like confrontation (yet she's a very confrontational person with nearly everyone and always has been). She said if OM leaves tomorrow, it won't bother her and she still wouldn't ever want to come back to me. She says she doesn't love me like a W should love their H and we can't make the M work under any conditions. She said she won't try counseling because she doesn't want to get feelings of love back for me. In short, nobody could be more clear in the fact they will never want to make the M work. Is this unusual or is it normal "fog" talk? She does want to be my friend though.

Oh my, my, my... that's DEFINITELY fog talk!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Trust me... Those kinds of statements are almost to be expected in this. You need to develop an ability to let them roll off your back. Treat them like the alien abductees they are...<p>It sounds like things have been moving along quickly in your situation. You WW obviously is VERY DEEP in her fog, and it's showing by her uncanny ability to tune out reality and rewrite history. It's NORMAL for WS to do this. It's psychologically hard-wired, I believe, for this to happen. They might self-destruct otherwise! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My only advice at this time is to put yourself firmly in Plan A for as long as you feel your love bank can support it. Given the depth of fog she's in, I can't really blame you for not tolerating things for all that long. Check out the thread "Misapplication of Plan A" - it's got some very valid points.<p>My WW OTOH has been quite civil with me, and that's made doing Plan A easier and less painful. It's allowed me to do it for about 8 months, although Plan B is around the corner now. Fog is a funny thing - it'll come and go. Don't be surprised to hear more and more encouraging words from her as things move forward. The pressure of impending deadlines (e.g. divorce), complete separation (i.e. Plan B), and basic reality (OM showing his true colors) is what slowly eats away at all A's.

I understand where you are I was there a year ago. WH told me he didn't love me that he hadn't in many years. That he didn't want to be married that he didn't want to answer to anyone to have the responsibilites of being a father and a husband.<p>Everyone thught we were the perfect couple that we were so much in love. So did I for that matter. It is the state of mind that they are in. It is how they justify the pain and anger that their actions have caused. If they don't love us. If we are to blame for the situation. If it didn't matter if the OP was around that they still would be leaving us, then to them it makes things alright, at least in their minds. <p>It does not mean the situation is hopeless. It just means you are in for a long ride. Whether yu feel that ride is worth the trip is up to you. How long has this been going on? I am now at 10 months after dday. OW now has a new singlw boyfriend and at times I think we are doing good. At times I want to kick his teeth in. But I do love him and I am still here and so is he. So there is hope. <p>Music

To answer the question of how long this has been going on. My W says they've talked as friends since mid year last year. My W says OM told her on 12/21 that he was going to DV his W because he was unhappy in his marriage and he hoped maybe my W felt the same. Then on 1/12 is when she told me and they began dating a week later. She swears they were never together before that but who knows what you can believe. OM's W told me they had been going to lunch for the past year but my W says that's an absolute lie.<p>I do love her still and want nothing more than for us to be together again and for us to have our family back together. I realize there needs to be a lot of counseling and a lot of issues resolved for our M to work and I'm willing and eager to begin these efforts. It's just I've really lost my optimism that she'll want to come back, since her words and actions are so extreme.<p>The crazy thing for me in all of this is that I know I've been so good to her all our lives together and I've been there for her in every way and given her and the kids everything. To know that you've always done the right things in life and to be so sure of how much your W loved you more than anything in the world, and then to have something like this happen is something I can't understand. It's even more difficult to understand when I see the type of guy the OM is. He told my W he smokes marijauna on occassion and never told his W (my W has always been against drug use), he has 2 or 3 motorcycles (which my W never used to be interested in but now is) and he never had kids, partly his W said was due to her fears that he wouldn't be good around kids because he's got a Type A personality.

Gave my WW a gift cert. to a restaurant for M Day and asked her to take the kids out and not bring the OM with. Of course I find out today she's taking OM as well. When will I ever learn?