These apply to every single BS on these boards, hope it helps someone:<p>Denial is our ability to lie to ourselves or deny the truth and reality of a situation. Denial is a major stumbling block to recovery. We hide what we feel and know when it is too painful to deal with and / or accept. The pain we feel is a direct result of fear and the total lack of a workable solution to the problem. We forget that in every situation we have choices, not always easy or nice or fair, but choices. Since we can’t see a solution, or don’t like the one we see, or are unwilling to make the choices we are faced with, we deny there is a problem. It is like being in hell yet saying "it’s not hot and I’m not here". <p>Honesty: What is the problem? What is the reality or truth of the situation; coming from a state of denial where we see things and hear things as we want them to be, whether we do this because we are afraid of facing the truth of a situation, or because we are trying to justify our thoughts, actions and reactions.. We gradually enter a state of realization of what is really happening. We start to live in the reality instead of the fantasy.<p>Humility: Our willingness to stop rationalizing and justifying our actions and becoming aware that what we have been doing in reality "doesn’t work". We begin to stop blaming others, we let go of self pity and start rebuilding our lives by being humble enough to consider new ways of doing things, new ways of acting and reacting. We let go of the need to have everything our way.<p>Open-mindedness: We become open to new ideas and suggestions. We practise willingness to do things differently, letting go of the need to be right and in control. We learn in open-mindedness to take action against our sick thinking. If we start taking the right actions (even if they feel uncomfortable) our thinking and feeling will follow in time.<p>Willingness: This becomes our ability to respond positively to change instead of fighting it. Being willing involves facing one of our greatest fears - leaving ourselves open and vulnerable.<p>Acceptance: Our powerlessness over people, places and things. Our powerlessness over anything but our own thoughts, actions, feelings and reactions. We accept that we can’t get people to "mind us" or force solutions just because it makes life easier for us. True acceptance of reality is our only source of serenity and peace of mind.<p>Acceptance is to “Live and Let Live” . Acceptance is to “Let Go and Let God” give Good Orderly Directions and solutions to the questions of our lives. We do not have to agree with something or even like it to accept it. Acceptance is not a seal of approval on unacceptable behavior. It merely means that we understand and surrender to the fact that we cannot change the behavior of anyone but ourselves. Acceptance is agreeing to the fact that we will not even try to do so. Each and every one of us is responsible ONLY for our own behavior and not that of others, as we have no control over others. Acceptance is not trying to change others, or force solutions on them. Acceptance is a state of being and not an action directed at others.<p>Resistance to acceptance is very painful. The more we try to change others, the greater the barrier in our relationships. The more time we spend in the fantasy of what we wish was, the more resentments grow. We must accept that we have not been given the “know best” ability by the management fairy. We rarely know what is best for ourselves, let alone another. Trying to force “solutions” will be met with rebellion, resistance, and resentment. At the same time we will become hurt, confused and “let down”.<p>Powerlessness means that we have no control of - that we are unable to produce a positive effect upon anyone or anything else. We do not have the power to get someone to change for us. Not through cajoling, tears, hurt feelings, rage, control or manipulation.

BrambleRose,<p>I have reread this post about 5 times. Each time I read it, it fits for every side of the equation. <p>"These apply to every single BS on these boards, hope it helps someone:"<p>It also applies to every single WS on these boards. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] (not the WHOLE post, but the first three <points&gt [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I want to ask your permission to C&P your post......elsewhere. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I would do so under any conditions you might set, because, you see....the whole post applies to another side of the "triangle". <p>Thank you for these words. They could help a LOT of people!! <p>You hardass. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Finally ~<p>These aren't "my" words, but they are from material that I used in working my Step One in Al-Anon. These lessons were the lessons I had to learn before my marriage had a snow-ball's chance in hell at recovery. If I had not learned these lessons, I would be divorced today.<p>These actually fit all three sides of the triangle, but I didn't want the BSes here to read this post and think: "If I could just get my WS to understand this" - instead of reflecting on this for their own behavior.<p>The *BS* needs to learn these things and practice these things. I think that we get too caught up in what the WS and the OP are doing and thinking and we forget that the focus has to stay on us.<p>So, with that being said, sure you can post c/p it over on the "other" board, but, with the only condition that you are doing so with the intention of helping the "other" side of the triangle step out of the way, where there should be only 2, not three.<p>Thanks.

Bramblerose,<p>Halfway thru reading this a thought crept in about how my H would interpret it. That he would be thinking how his W could sure learn a thing or two from this. I laughed to myself, realizing that I just dont get it yet that I should be thinking about how this applys to ME, and not worry about what H would think or what he would get out of it!<p>Please check my AWESOME POEM post. In some ways it ties in with this post. About seeing reality with clarity, learning from our mistakes, changing behaviors that cause so much suffering for ourselves. Just bumped it up.<p>Thanks, Replaced

Hello. I really liked reading this. Since WH left, I've been trying to "Let Go and "Let God" but really haven't. It must be a decision rather than merely a time issue (waiting for pain to decrease)?
Thanks for sharing,
-CS

Thanks, BrambleRose! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

ok, i got it, i got it....<p>i printed this out and will read it daily till it sinks in.
very humbly---------thank you for your time and patience, i really do appreciate it.

BrambleRose,<p>So true..it's something I've also learned..through my own healing..

*cough* I can see this was a really popular post today!<p>Too focused on self for most?<p>Sorry it wasn't a thrilling post on how to change your spouse! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

I used it as a link in another post... does that count [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ...<p>I think your stuff is terrific... have the Beattie books... and as with many, it is just the application that I get stuck on sometimes... the theory is terrific.<p>Hugs,
Cali

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by BrambleRose:
*cough* I can see this was a really popular post today!<p>Too focused on self for most?<p>Sorry it wasn't a thrilling post on how to change your spouse!<hr></blockquote><p>
LMAO! Rosie! That was funny and I completely missed it! You CAN be sarcastic, huh? I try to be, but never seem to succeed. It backfires on me.

Hey BrambleRose,<p>Haven't say hi in awhile. I do drop in to read your posts! <p>They are great! <p>Hope everything is going well for you.<p>Letting go was the greatest gift I could give myself and although it didn't save my marriage that is okay. I'm a much better person today than I was a year ago and what I have learned has certainly come in handy a few times. <p>the best book I read during my recovery was "The Spiritualtiy of Imperfection" it taught me so much. <p>Take Care.

Hey Jo, <p>I'm glad SOMEONE appreciated SOMETHING in this darn post [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Unfortunately, if you knew me in Real Life, you'd know that my sarcastic tongue is my WORST LB habit with my husband. I've caused him more hurt more times than I like to think with my sarcasm.<p>But sometimes I can be funny!<p>I'm trying to do my best to help turn some of the tone on here around, but it seems that most here have found other answers.<p>But since these are the answers that worked for me, and the only answers that I know, I guess I'll just have to keep plugging my answers. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hopeless - I popped onto D/D to say hi!

Thanks BR - what a great post. I don't know how to print from here, but I am going to try. Thanks for bumping it up Jo! I almost missed it!
BR you are so thoughtful for posting these threads! I have gained so much from reading them! I may not always respond, but I always read your threads with great interest!
BH

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