In all of my posts, I have meant "emotional affair" when I used EA. But in a recent post a responder thought I meant extramarital affair? What is the most used connotation for EA on this forum.<p>Also, do men agree that emotional affairs exist or do they believe that affairs begin when there is sex? I know that women understand the difference, but do men get concerned when they are getting emotional involved with a woman other than their wife? or do they really truly only see the relationship as a friendship?
AS

Hey As!<p>I think that in the MB world, EA means Emotional Affair (not extramarital affair) and PA, clearly, Physical Affair.<p>Also, I would not make the generalization that women "get" EAs and men don't...I don't think either men or women "get" it until they learn about it. My W, for one, does not yet see that an EA is "wrong", much less damaging to our R.

I'm a guy and here is my take on this using a married man as an example.<p>I believe an emotional affair begins when a man begins discussing personal information about his relationship with his wife to another woman. Let me explain. I work with women and I talk to them on occation, but conversations usually entail the weather, work, upcoming company functions, or positive aspects of my family life. Stuff like, "My son is in Grade 1, he really likes Math". "My wife is a great cook, she makes a mean cheesecake."<p>The point where a man begins confiding in another woman about his marital relationship and doing it on a regular basis while the woman does not deter him from doing so forms the bond known as the emotional affair.<p>God, I sound like a therapist, and believe me I'm not. But does what I say make sense?

I didn't see my EA as damaging either right away...it wasn't until I realized that making plans to have a future with someone was most certainly not a POSITIVE thing for my M.<p>My husband GOT IT right away. Was he more ok with things because there wasn't sex? I'm sure he was more accepting...but he still was deeply hurt over all of it. When we talked about things, that there was no physical involved but we were in love...he said "that's WORSE". So yes, he got it just fine.

I think anyone who's been here more than a short while knows that EA is emotional affair.<p>As for the other question--my husband insists he did not have an affair because there was no vagina to penis contact. I disagree, however. Anytime you discuss your personal life, look for someone to share your secrets with and leave your spouse with the intention of pursuing a new life with this other person, that's an affair...sex or not.

I was wondering this...Along the same lines anyway....
Does anybody know, or have seen info on the chance of reconciliation on WW vs. WH ?<p>In other words, if the W is the WS, are marriages more likely to be worked out than if the H is the WS? Or vice versa? I have been looking for this info and can't seem to find anything on it.
I was thinking along the lines of where WH usually do not think of A as EA, but WW think of them as EA.<p>HCII

Here's my take on the subject. I don't think it's necessarilly wrong to talk to someone of the opposite sex about marital problems. Sometimes it's helpful to get a perspective from the "other" side. However, this person should be a mutual friend or a family member and the discussions should not be kept a secret from the spouse. In my case, my W chose to talk to a man from work that I did not know and never heard of. Their conversations began during coffee breaks and eventually to cellphones, voice mails, etc., all unbeknownst to me, and this all started before my W ever expressed any unhappiness in our marriage to me.<p>When I confronted her about it, I asked her why didn't she talk to one of her sisters or BIL's or girlfriends. She said she wanted an objective opinion and asked if it would have made a difference if she was talking to a woman. Yeah it would, she wouldn't have fallen in love with a woman. If she wanted an objective opinion, she could have talked to a counselor, someone who was trained to help.<p>There is a very good article about EA's on www.relationship-institute.com. Search for the articles section.<p>sad dad<p>P.S. I don't know if it ever became a PA, and it hardly matters. Knowing she's shared her heart with another man cuts like a knife. Sometimes I think a PA is the lesser of two evils because the betrayal cannot be denied by the WS, at least not to themselves. An EA can be justified as "just a friendship" and the betrayal is easier to deny.<p>[ May 24, 2002: Message edited by: sad dad ]</p>

Hi SC,
You are so right about women vs men thoughts about EAs. In fact, my H, who's not into pop psychology, self-help, etc., knew from day 1 that I was emotionally involved with the OM and that I had to quit seeing the OM and being in any contact with him. It was me that was in denial for so many months and took me nearly two years to finally accept that EA's do exist...so my apologies. I just don't get the feeling that there are many males that come to the MB forum that are concerned because of their EA...it seems that most of them are either concerned about their wife's EA or PA or their own PA...but I could be wrong.
By the way, it was nice to hear from you! I'm sorry that things aren't going as well for you as we'd like for them to be going!
AS

sad dad, and the others who responded to the post.
Thanks for your thoughts on the matter. Sad dad, thanks for the reference to the Relationship Institute's page, I was able to the get the article you talked about.<p>Again,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I was wondering if I had been given a copy of His Needs/Her Needs when I got married or sometime, would it have prevented me from getting in the situation I find my self in? Who knows, but I can't think of a more appropriate gift to receive when we're newly weds...I was just so clueless about my needs, about relationships, etc....In fact, I even felt GUILTY for having needs. I thought what is my problem, I shouldn't have needs...etc. more later.<p>Thanks,
AS

Fabulous idea Shirley! I know I've said before that I wished I'd been more educated about marriage, infidelity, and all the stuff that goes along with all that. I may not have understood everything I would have learned, but it would have been there for reference when this situation began to rear it's ugly head. All too often people "assume" that because we know something isn't right, that we know the reasons why. I KNEW that infidelity was wrong, but I didn't feel that love and finding my "soul mate" had anything to do with that. I had NO IDEA that I hadn't been meeting my own needs, let along what they were or HOW to meet them myself. I'm going to have to order that book...sounds like a good one.

hope4future,
The book is really good. I've even gotten my H to think in terms of making love deposits, withdrawals and love busting. It's great. And I am so sincere when I say that I was clueless about relationships. I really believed that there was something wrong with me bc I needed more attention from my H than I was getting. It made me feel bad. I had no idea that the OM was making huge deposits in my love account just by stopping by my office and asking me to walk to lunch with him, respond quickly to my emails, read my papers for class (I was working on a masters degree...he read my freaking thesis! Talk about making a HUGE deposit then!) But I didn't know what was really happening, I just knew I felt good and that the OM was really nice, etc.,,<p>Get the book! It's available at all book stores. My H's one negative comment was why doesn't Harly publish a soft cover edition so that more people would buy it and benefit from it...<p>Anyway,
thanks and good luck,
AS

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sad dad:
<strong>...Sometimes I think a PA is the lesser of two evils because the betrayal cannot be denied by the WS, at least not to themselves. An EA can be justified as "just a friendship" and the betrayal is easier to deny.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>SD; I think this is a CRITICAL point you make. Very, very true; and worth noting. Not only is it easier to hide and deny, it is easier to REALLY feel it is not wrong or bad for the M.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ashirley:
<strong>Hi SC,
You are so right about women vs men thoughts about EAs. In fact, my H, who's not into pop psychology, self-help, etc., knew from day 1 that I was emotionally involved with the OM and that I had to quit seeing the OM and being in any contact with him. It was me that was in denial for so many months and took me nearly two years to finally accept that EA's do exist...so my apologies. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Well, I'm not sure it's a male/female thing perhaps as much as it is a WS/BS thing. I get the feeling whether the BS is male or female, they "instinctively" know that their WS's R to OP is bad and has to stop...maybe we could poll on this!<p><strong> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
I just don't get the feeling that there are many males that come to the MB forum that are concerned because of their EA...it seems that most of them are either concerned about their wife's EA or PA or their own PA...but I could be wrong. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Interesting, and I think you may be right. Perhaps it's easier for women to get involved in PA's? I have no idea, but if we subscribe to Venus & Mars theories, or most other conventional wisdom about men & women, I'd say this is likely.<p>[/QB][/QUOTE]
By the way, it was nice to hear from you! I'm sorry that things aren't going as well for you as we'd like for them to be going!
AS[/QB][/QUOTE]<p>Well, it's a stuggle, hanging on, ups and downs, trying to keep the faith! Working on detaching more and more. Thanks for your thoughts!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ashirley:
<strong>sad dad, and the others who responded to the post.
Thanks for your thoughts on the matter. Sad dad, thanks for the reference to the Relationship Institute's page, I was able to the get the article you talked about.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Would you post a link to it? I couldn't find it...thanks!<p><strong> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Again,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I was wondering if I had been given a copy of His Needs/Her Needs when I got married or sometime, would it have prevented me from getting in the situation I find my self in? Who knows, but I can't think of a more appropriate gift to receive when we're newly weds...I was just so clueless about my needs, about relationships, etc....In fact, I even felt GUILTY for having needs. I thought what is my problem, I shouldn't have needs...etc. more later.<p>Thanks,
AS</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I think from now on, this will be my official wedding gift: a copy of "His Needs, her Needs"
Over time, it'll save many Ms!

Spacecase,<p>The link about EA's is www.relationship-institute.com. Search under articles. It's the best description of an EA, how it develops and how damaging it can be to a marriage.<p>sad dad<p>P.S. Incidently, I just wanted you to know that my W and I are now divorcing because of an EA. She has never admitted to it, but the emotional estrangement it caused is so deep that my W has never even considered reconciling. Don't ever fool yourself into thinking an EA isn't just as damaging as a PA. I'm living proof!