I sent an Ecard to the XOW just a nice card with a poem to raise her spirits
I sent it anonymously but she replied in email wanting to know who it was who sent it/
I told her it would not be a good idea to reveal my idenity because i wasnt sure how she would react to hearing from me thinking maybe i had an alterior motive or something... after that i apoligized for writing to her and disrupting her life in any way.
after a few emails playing guessing games and such i told her who it was and that i was only writing to ensure her that i didnt harbor any hard feelings and just wanted her to know that if she needed someone to talk to i was here to listen.. figuring she wouldnt want to confide anything in me but trying to show i harbored no grudges
we them emailed a few times and spoke casuually of many topics from jobs to kids to life in general, never bringing up H except to say that we were doing OK.
I really like the person she is and besides the EA i feel that we could have a strong bond somewhere down the line. being as we think alike and have SOMEof the same values and priorities.
I enjoyed talking with her it was like finding a long lost friend.
the next day I told H how i had emailed her and what was said... needless to say he was not happy about it. saying that i should leave her alone... etc.....
I told H my reason for talking to her had little if anything to do with him... and I considered it part of my self healing to befriend her and let go of resentment towards either if them.
H doesnt like her and hasnt said anything nice about her since his fog days... I told H that i felt i should be able to continue writing her (email only) and to maintain some type of friendship because it helped me to be a better person to not hate her and to attempt to understand her.
OW having her own troubled marriage it has been 1 1/2 years since the EA i was thinking of her and hoping that her life and marriage had improved
i felt that she might need a confidant and i offered to be here for her seeing as when i needed a shoulder and confidant I had No one, being to embarassed to tell my family and not having any female friends that i would trust with issues like that.... i know some are going to say why would OW trust YOU of all people to confide in... and i am not necissarily saying that she would but i did not want to regret it years from now saying i never tried to overcome our pasts.
H has forbid me to write to her anymore saying that it took us long enough to get rid of her and he is not happy with me inviting her back into our lives. It was not OUR lives I invited her back to it was my online life that i invited her too.as a friendship.
SO i have not replied to her last email nor will I.
however I feel hopeful that someday soon H will ask to see the emails OW and I exchanged and he will see the promise of the self healing this will have for me and the potential and maybe allow me to email her again<p>[ May 26, 2002: Message edited by: ForYourLove101 ]</p>

Umm, just my 2 cents worth, but sounds to me like you're playing with fire there.<p>Have you read the MB Policy of Joint Agreement? Is that why you have agreed to repect your H's wishes? Also, maybe you actually have some nagging questions and doubts - unanswered questions - you need to seek these answers from your husband.<p>I also e-mailed my H's EA partner - she twisted all my words against me and turned my H against me - so anytime you do this you are only letting yourself in for it. <p>If you really want your H to be happy with you, and he gave up his EA with this OW to dedicate himself to his marriage with you, you should respect his wishes not to "invite this person back into your life" - and I would say that when you are married, you don't have a right to an "online life" anymore than you think he had - your life should be a life together with your husband.<p>Odile

Then_,
I applaud you for being the "bigger person" and writing OW, and trying to "raise her spirits." <p>BUT this goes against ALL MB standards, and I'd like to point out a few reasons why all feel this way:<p>First of all, this has been a wrenching experience for all concerned, no doubt. You, your WH, and OW. I'm sure you recall how hurt you were during the height of the A. OW, as well, had/still has "feelings" for your H. She has to deal with those, and overcome them in her own way. I feel that writing her keeps those wounds open, and bleeding, not allowing them to heal.<p>She needs to heal and move on as well as you and your H do. Writing to her will not allow her to do that, as it will serve to remind her of your H, and their time together, and keep the "feelings" alive in some fashion.<p>Also, your WH may become "curious" as to how she is, what she could possibly be talking to you about, etc. and he may open your email, read something from her, and "trigger" something in him to want to contact her again himself. It's not worth it. <p>There are many, many sad stories in the world....where someone JUST misses out on some item/blessing/whatever because of "providential timing" - karma - whatever you want to believe in. This is truly one of those situations. OW may be a nice person (your opinion), and "worthy" of your friendship, BUT b/c of previous "involvement" with your H, there can never be a friendship between you and her. Let this go. It's healthier for your M.<p>Again, I applaud you for your strength. I do not believe I could do this, go the extra mile like you have done. Follow your H's lead in this one. He is being wise and prudent.<p>May God Bless.

odile,
I have agreed to not email her again because i respect H's wishes and i would not like it if the roles were reversed.
I have already been through the name calling and the word twisting with OW back almost 2 years ago when this all happened and seeing as how it has been almost 2 years i figured that OW feeling for H would have diminished greatly enough so that we could in fact become aquaintences<p>I do understand that this goes against MB standards but i see it like this....
these standards were set for the average and normal people ... whereas I consdider myself unique and origional and not prone to the standards that most people would set.<p>I do sincerely doubt that H would at all want to contact her hisself... however once again you are right and as i said i will not email her without h's permission.... I did offer to show H all the emails exchanged between us and he did not want to see them.

Why would you be concerned about her marriage? Her marriage is her business just as your marriage was your business. She had no right to interfere.<p>Xow and I do not have the same values or priorities. I do not place a value in destroying other people's lives. My values rise above adultery and lying.<p>If your h didn't want you to have any contact with her, I think you should honor that. After all didn't you request that HE have no contact with HER? <p>Do you think this is an expression of hostility to your husband? There are so many people out there to befriend. Why choose this person when it would cause pain? How do you think her husband would respond to your contact with her? I think you may have opened some healing wounds here.

stay away from her please... she is nt your friend... I see you are trying to be kind... but I do think you may have some wrong or poor choices-- regarding her... not the right type of person to have in your life, period.. please poja and stay aawy... be glad you have your M.<p>Honey

I too think its "noble" of you for trying to make peace but also agree you are playing with fire. Let it go and let it rest. No contact is best. There is potential for her to weasle her way back into your H's life and he has thus far tried to avoid that. You are not honoring him by contacting her. This time it would be YOUR fault, if it did happen. Don't go there. please.
Vent on the boards if you have no one to talk to.
I'm afraid for you if you continue to do this regardless of what your "rationalization" is.

Any contact YOU have with her that H finds out about, translates into contact period. So he can't have NO contact if you are in touch with her. <p>I know how hard it is. My H's OW was MY BEST FRIEND and I haven't talked to her in 6 years. We used to see each other every single day, go on trips, eat together, shop, go for walks, do crafts, etc. In ONE day it was over. She never made any attempt to rectify things, and even denied (lied) about the PA. Still would today if asked I'm sure. <p>So believe me, I know how awful it is. But since you're not friends with her (and what kind of friend would do that to you?).....think about your M and your H and stay away from her. Doesn't mean she's a terrible person, just means you're being smart and protecting yourself and your marriage. I would imagine that any counselor, minister, etc. would say the same

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ForYourLove101:
<strong>these standards were set for the average and normal people ... whereas I consdider myself unique and origional and not prone to the standards that most people would set.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Everyone is unique in their own ways... The reason Harley's have been so successful is because they understand that actually most people behave very much according to a pattern. You may not be normal (as you say), but your behavior will most likely lead to trouble...

I'm sorry, If my husband wanted to be friends with my OM, I would not be able to stay in my marriage.
I applaud you for being a bigger person and forgiving but dont get confused with forgiving and being friends and buddies.
To make your husband face what he's done on a daily basis by staying in contact is cruel. Honor your husband and your marriage and keep her out of it.
Just my opinion.

After fighting so hard to get the OW out of your life, it shocks me that you would want her back in. I'm sure you were upset about all of the personal things your H confided in her and shared with her, and here you are doing the same thing. Why do we think everyone "deserves" a chance to be our friend? Haven't you ever heard of choosing your friends wisely? Do you think having her as a friend would be wise? Personally, if I had a friend that was having an A on her H, she and I would no longer be friends. For a multitude of reasons. Therefore if I found out someone had had an A on their H and with a married man, I would seriously question entering a friendship with them. It's bad enough to have to address these issues in my friendship with my WH.<p>And besides, who would want a friendship with someone that they couldn't invite over for a cup of coffee? It feels good to be a "bigger" person, but it feels so much better to be a "wiser" person!!

I just wanted to update you all and let you know that I have not attempted to contact OW since I told H about it...
I respect my husband enough to not contact her in any way shape or form .
I also want it noted that it is because H asked me not to and not because everyone who replied to my post were against, is why i am not contacting her it has nothing to do with the replies here.
I know you will be upset with me for saying this, however I am sure that marriages have survived without using MB principles and I follow most but not all of harleys. I do want to thank you all for your sound advice i know it was my best interest that you were thinking of.<p>as soon as i update my kids pages i will link it here.<p> [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

I told H my reason for talking to her had little if anything to do with him... <p>Um, ya, sure. You are reaching out to this woman because of the connection whether you realize it (or acknowledge it) or not. Can you honestly say you would invest this much effort in a stranger otherwise? I sure there is some dysfunction that covers this.<p>H has forbid me to write to her anymore saying that it took us long enough to get rid of her and he is not happy with me inviting her back into our lives. <p>And he should not be. What you did was extremely dishonest and disrespectful...<p>It was not OUR lives I invited her back to it was my online life that i invited her too.as a friendship.<p>BS. And I guess as a BS, none of our wayward spouses invited the OP into our lives, only into their lives/friendships/beds/etc. If is not OK for your H to be sleeping with this OW, it certainly is not OK for you to be reminding him of his mistakes be befriending this woman. What you are doing is extremely disrespectful and if I were you, I would run to my nearest counselor to find out what your real motivations are for intiating, and continueing this contact (even over the objections of your H no less).<p>Very selfish. Very disrespectful. My wife would be livid if I became friends (again) with her OM. Heck, she probably would leave me -- and I would not blame her for doing so.<p>[ May 29, 2002: Message edited by: Mr. Bunky ]</p>

You are right, there are other methods that may work for you. But how could you want to be friends with somebody who obviously didn't care AT ALL about you? Did she ever consider YOU or YOUR feelings when she was intimate with your H? I highly doubt it. <p>Also, she just may use this as an opportunity to get close to your H again.<p>Definitely playing with fire!

I do understand that this goes against MB standards but i see it like this....
these standards were set for the average and normal people ... whereas I consdider myself unique and origional and not prone to the standards that most people would set.<p>????Sounds like the same rhetoric we hear from wayward spouses. "This is different, I am different, this relationship is special so the rules don't apply..." ad nas.<p>and he did not want to see them.<p>Smart man, sounds like he is trying to protect his marriage. He likely realizes his vulnerability to such a reopening of that wound and if he is anything like me, would hate his behavior being thrown in his face by such a jesture (and I was not even the wayward one).<p>You may see me as being harsh -- and you may see yourself as being the strong adult in your relationship for being able to do what you did but I see your actions as much or more disrespectful than your H doing the same. Heck, you did not even ask his permission to do what you did. Did you apologize to intiating contact? Why should you be able to do something he is likely expressly forbidden to do?

I also want it noted that it is because H asked me not to and not because everyone who replied to my post were against, is why i am not contacting her it has nothing to do with the replies here.
I know you will be upset with me for saying this, however I am sure that marriages have survived without using MB principles and I follow most but not all of harleys. <p>Won't upset me at all. I didn't follow Harley's stuff very much either at times. In hindsight, I wished I had more at times. *shrug* To each his own. I am just glad to see you are doing the right thing.<p>Since you stated you are not following Harley on this one, can you tell me which author DOES recommend what you did? I have not read such but perhaps I missed a book. I certainly cannot imagine any author I read making such a recommendation.<p>It appears you still see what you did as OK and certainly not wrong. We can only communicate from our perspective and respond to what you post (specifically your own H's actions) and I can say that he certainly does not seem to have enjoyed what you have done. Regardless of you thinking it wrong, your H likely does -- and you should be accountable to such. Would you not want him to be the same? I bet your H saw what you did as disrepectful and selfish. Have you went to him and apologized for such? Or, are you sorry that he feels that way instead?

Good posts Mr. Bunky!<p>When I read it I thought her motives were sick curiosity. The same sick curiosity that caused my H to continue contact with OW (See my signature line!).<p>The thing that concerns me most ForYourLove101 is you don't see the harm in what you've done. no responsibility, no consequences or accountability to your actions. For the record, I too felt the need to contact OW here is my email to her and I still feel no remorse for sending it. I got no response from her. BUT I also thought long and hard and prayed for a month before I sent it, it wasn't spontanious:
OW,
H sent you an email that said he has hurt some
people by continuing an inappropriate relationship
with you. H is a grown man and he is responsible
for his own actions but you did play a part in it. My God says to love you and bless you and pray for you. Although I am mad at you I will pray you will never have to go through the pain and heartbreak that my family is experiencing now. I did feel like I had a responsibility to share my heart because me and my kids are real people with real feelings and real hurt.
W

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Mr. Bunky:<p><strong>
Since you stated you are not following Harley on this one, can you tell me which author DOES recommend what you did? I have not read such but perhaps I missed a book. I certainly cannot imagine any author I read making such a recommendation.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>i never said i was folling anyone principles on this one.
I followed my compassion. <p>nor did i ever state that what i was doing was right. I said I felt that i should make the effort so i do not regret letting her knowi harbored no resentment.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
It appears you still see what you did as OK and certainly not wrong. <hr></blockquote><p>no I never said it was ok I regret contacting her and ended it immediately... let that be my cross.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Have you went to him and apologized for such? <hr></blockquote><p>
I did in fact apoligize immediately and he asked me not to contact her again.... and i will not

Well, just to add my .02, I think it is good that your marriage is solid and you felt confident enough to establish contact with xOW and feel compassion toward her and no ill will. That is major progress on your part, IMO...<p>I also think it is good of you to respect your H's feelings regarding further contact. That's respectful of you IMO.<p>Harley's concepts are not for everyone, but they do work for us and I do recommend the basic principles to our friends. Take what works for you and work it. Obviously something is working for you! GO FOR IT! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Maybe people were thrown off by the subject line of your post here.<p>Did you feel like a village idiot because it didn't go over well with your H? His opinion is the only one that really matters. Maybe he just feels like that dead dog is buried and gone, why dig it up again.<p>I also believe that he should at least be empathetic with your reasons and the need you felt to do it.<p>Oh well, I'm glad it's over and you got what you wanted out of the conversation(s). Now, I guess you can close out that e-mail account! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Good luck with your future progress!