I am a stay at home mom of two little girls. I usually have my nephew or a friend's child here during the day also. I try very hard to keep up with house work, children, cooking, shoping, you know. But, as you can imagine, it is a constant job. Problem is, my husband is a couch potato/computer adict. When he is home, he is usually doing one of the above. Although he doesn't work long hours, I know that he needs time to relax and that is just fine with me. How can I nicely convince him to help out more? Yes, OCCASIONALLY he will clean out the car or take out the trash (after I bag it up and put it by the back door). Not only does he not contribute much to the housework or child care, he won't clean up after himself. By child care I mean changing diapers, bathing, puting them to bed, etc. My husband is good to me and our daughters and this is by no means a crises. We are just having some difficulty communicating on this issue. Any advice???

Shaila, Sorry to say, it took my H having an A before he began helping out. And I still have to sweetly suggest it some of the time. If he's like my H, his mother took care of everything around the house when he was growing up. She was some sort of "mini-goddess" who always had supper on the table, always had homemade desserts for snack, picked up after him, scheduled his life, looked after his homework, - must I go on?<p>I did it all AND worked 3 jobs - about 60 hours a week. AND have 2 small children - AND am very active in church - AND have taken college night courses throughout our 9 years of marriage.<p>Guess what - he finally had an A because he "didn't feel needed or wanted here at home." *He wasn't. He was like your H, he came home, kicked his feet up - took a nap while I finished supper, would not even check on the kids when they were hurt or fighting. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] He finally realized after his A, that the reason he wasn't wanted was because he wasn't doing anything to help. When he got home, he was a liability.<p>He's still not perfect now, but he does stay up with me until I'm ready to go to bed - helping with things he knows how to. He used to go to bed 2 or more hours before I got everything finished up to where I could come to bed, and then when I would disturb him, he'd reach over and want sexual fulfillment - [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] he realizes now that I'm much more cooperative and fun with SF if he's been helpful around the house and that seeing him with a broom in his hand is a major aphrodisiac for me!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear jamup,<p>OOPS!<p>I am new to this and just realized that I posted this discussion under Infidelity. I was only looking at the "General Questions" heading. Boy do I feel silly. <p>Anyway, thanks for your response. Wow, it looks like you were even busier than me! I am so sorry to hear what you had to go through in order to straiten this situation out. I am planning on finding an easier route!!!!! <p>I agree that almost nothing would excite me more than seeing my H fold a load of laundry! See, we really don't ask for much.<p>Thanks again!

Just to let you know how yesterday afternoon went, so you know there is hope! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>He got home and was going to wash my car. But I had taken our kids to his mother's and wanted to spend some quality time with him. So we went and rode the 4 wheeler in the woods for about an hour. Came home, bathed, had SF, and then he went and got the kids while I finished cooking supper. We ate. He made some phone calls about some stuff he's selling while I got the kids ready for bed. Then he came in while I was cleaning up the supper table. He wiped of the table, stove and cabinet. Then went to get ready for bed. When he stepped out, I grabbed the broom. When he came back in I was mopping. He said, "uh, if I'd have know you were going to do all of that, I would have done it!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] " I finished up and took the mop and broom to the bathroom. I started sweeping, and he took it away from me. He finished sweeping the bathroom while I went and worked on clothes. Then he waited up for me in bed while I got ready for bed. It's been key for us to lay down and go to sleep together - that's our cuddle time. So we cuddled and talked for about 30 more minutes, and drifted off to sleep in each other's arms. <p>So see there is hope, and this is from a man who hasn't done enough to amount to a hill of beans in the past 9 years.

Hi Shaila: You don't have to have experience infidelity to post here. Actually, it might be good to raise your concerns here - it could help a lot and also help ensure you don't have to experience infidelity (not that I'm saying you will).<p>In any event, the key would be communication. I'm sure there are others who can offer more. Unfortunately, I don't have that problem - my husband pitches in a lot at home (laundry, with our son, cooking some, cleaning with me, etc.), but I bet you can get a lot of good advice from others.<p>My best to you. Take care.

Hi Shaila...
If you want him to get off the couch you ever thought about cutting him off from sex? If you let him have his cake and eat it to why would he be motivated to get off the couch? A few weeks of no sex and he might be a new man. Or a willing man to help out at least.

Have you ever considered an electric cattle prod?? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

franklymydears,<p>No I haven't. Do you have one that I can borrow? I'm willing to try anything at this point!!

dear jamup,
I am so happy for you! It seems like your husband has really changed for the better.

Shaila-I used to get home from work and plug into the TV. I never helped much around the house, and my H did everything. (No wonder he had an affair) Anyway, when we started working on our marriage, he told me it hurt him that I watched so much TV. I haven't turned on the TV since. We've been doing a lot to work on our marriage but I have to say that is probably the most important thing we've done. Without TV, we have to entertain ourselves other ways - conversation, games, house work, sex - not always in that order, but you get the idea.
My husband told me he thought I preferred TV over his company - ouch. I had never looked at my problem this way, it helped me see a lot. If you feel that way, maybe you should share your feelings with you husband. My husband had asked me cut down on TV, he asked me to help around the house. I would try, but it never held. Now that I know that it hurts his feelings when I shut him out (by turning on the TV), I have a lot more motivation to stay the course.
I do not agree with CG about refusing sex. IMHO this would just add another problem to your marriage.
Good Luck.

MyHisanA,<p>Yea, I agree. By the way, I talked to him lastnight and he acted like he was just tuning me out. Today, however, things have been much much better. So, maybe he was listening after all. I was just really upset yesterday and needed to vent. Thanks for listening! I don't think I've been handeling this in the best way. I keep quiet for a while, then explode on him. I'm trying to use kinder words and I think that will help.

Shaila,<p>I have a prod---but for my h, it's 'industrial strength'--hooked up to a car battery! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] And it STILL takes 3-4 jolts to get him to get the trash out. This would kill a normal person.<p>Ok, cattle prod out. How about a couch that senses body heat and after 15 minutes dumps said body onto the floor??<p>Hang in there. Hey, maybe you could take the plug off the tv??

Have you tried cleaning dressed in one of your nighties? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Not one the kids shouldn't see, but one that might make your H come see what's going on!! Then tell him you have to finish your housework, and the more he helps, the sooner he can take your nightie off!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Instead of withholding, use it as a motivator!!