"I'd be really surprised if we ever hear back from SOW22. I'm sure alot of people are happy not to. I for one think that it's a shame for one very simple reason. I have been reading over and over again how BS who have to deal with OP because of a child, say that the OW or OM is insensitive, angry, mean, out of touch with how they feel, etc. Here is an example of someone who is seemingly trying to work the situation, which is now a reality, as best as it can be, without further hurting the ex-wife or the child. She says she wants to understand where the BS is coming from in her anger toward the ex-husband. The alternative is that she doesn't give a hoot, and then as a result, makes the ex-wife even more hurt and frustrated over the situation. Lecturing to her doesn't change the reality of the situation or help anyone involved in her circle. I just seen enough hate over on the OC/preg. thread and it gets us nowhere."<p>You are so right CMIRANDA, this is reality and instead of talking to her they just lash out. Just because they don't like her, doesn't change her situation. It doesn't stop this sort of thing from happening. The source you seem to not be lashing out at is the MP. He is the one that made the decision to leave. And like it or not, if the court orders her to let him have visitation, she has no choice. <p>At least she is TRYING to make things a little easier.

new beginning,
In no way do I feel your post was a flame. It was, I suppose, your honest opinion. My thread was not intended to hurt anyone - BS included. i am really trying to make the best of a bad situation.<p>As I stated, on the board I belong to we have several posters that also post here. I have found many of their viewpoints enlightening and valuable, esp when it does not get reduced to insults and board wars. <p>P I,
I am sorry you are having to deal with the pain of betrayal from your H.<p>However, you misunderstood - we do not "want" the baby as in custody. We do wish to keep her in the evenings while her mother works. I understand she is hurting, I just wish she wouldn't let that pain cloud her judgement. We were giving her an amount in addition to CS to pay for babysitter. Instead, she chose to trsde in her vehichle for a new one w/ a payment twice of that what she was formerly paying. Fine. I could care less if she buys 10 new cars. However, to take money intended for a babysitter and keep it and force your 14-year-old D to stay home every night and keep a child she has been quite vocal in proclaiming she does not want to keep is unfair. <p>P I
You stated a mother will do anything to protect her child. I am a mother. I agree. Doesn't this include swallowing your pride and allowing your D to be kept in a safe environment by 2 people (even if these same 2 people hurt you) versus leaving her in the hands of a rebellious teen (who resents being kept away from her own daddy this summer). <p>If I were her I may not like it. But, even she has stated the baby would receive good care here -that is not her issue w/ it. She just doesn't want to accomodate him - H.<p>you wrote:
In my case, I will do ANYTHING I have to to make sure OW never goes near my baby. ANYTHING<p>so does anything include leaving her in a potentially dangerous situation?<p>I understood your post and I do have a place in my heart for her feelings. That is why I indulge her on the phone when she calls. That is why I helped her the other week (out of my own pocket) when she needed it. That is why I allowed her to come inspect our home. That is why I am here seeking answers to try and come to a peaceful resolution.<p>For those who feel I am here for any other reason than I have stated you are wrong. I wish to inflict pain on no one. I may be even able to answer questions for some one. I seek answers only. Again I apologize if I am offending any BS here. I may not be building a marriage (although that is our future plans) but I am trying to build a bridge between my family and hers.<p>Estes,
No this may not be the place for me, but I have found some excellent advice here - although I rarely post. As far as my MM is concerned believe me half of the kids' parents on the team could sadly care less who coaches their child. In fact, he only agreed to coach at the last minute because too many kids signed up and they were not all going to be able to play if a few people did not volunteer to coach. This horrid MM took it upon himself to not only coach but get 3 of his friends to commit to as well. Half of these "concerned" parents you mention are either too busy or lazy to even drag themself to a game, much less a practice.<p>Doc's girl,
Thx. I am glad someone noticed that. She also was in a PA w/ a Lt on the job during M as well. However, I didn't point that out because it is not relevant to my question.<p>Stillwaiting,
I am sure he did give his heart to her at some point. When I said sometimes the wrong people get married for the right reasons - that was their case. She herself told me she was never in love w/ MM. He knew her 2 months when they got married. He had recently turned 30 and wanted the "family' deal and felt he wouldn't have another chance. She is around 13 years older than him and told me he asked her and she too felt she might not get another chance.<p>Sure he may do the same to me. Who knows? I could do the same to him. Trust will always be a huge issue for us both. Our motto is one day at a time. I read here a lot and I apply many of MB's principles to my relationship. Our life is not a bed of roses. As I said we have my son and D, his nephew, we had his dad for a few days after surgery, we have the kids I keep, the softball girls, the phonecalls. We also spend a lot of time together. MM has been off work for 3 weeks due to family situation. He also went to MD yesterday and will be off till the 18th. Trust me that is a lot of time to spend together daily. Without love we would surely be at each other's throats by now. <p>It is easy to say what he - my MM - will do. He is a good man. I have seen him cry over the mess w/ D several times. It took a lot for him to leave his M now w/out the love. Rememeber we met 2 months into it. It took him that long to come to grips w/ this. See those on other board that fully know my story are aware that 2 months after meeting me in 12/00 he had given me $ to get us a place. He had decided to tell W then. I rented a place. He came crying. He just learned she was P. So, he didn't tell her. He stood by her. We stopped seeing one another for a while. He did try. He NEVER abandoned her. Since he has left he has always took care of his D - as he should.<p>Alberta,<p>I don't know your story, but I am glad someone recognizes this also:<p>Unfortunately her wanting to hurt him will only ultimately hurt their child. <p>That's it - the lightbulb moment!!! That is what this is all about!!! The child. Thank you.<p>As I said I lurk here occassionally. You all seem like intelligent people. Does the fact that her H cheated justify her leaving her daughter alone, in ill equipped hands from 11 p.m. - 7 a.m. when we would be more than happy to keep her??? When I first brought it up she stated she would feel more comfortable w/ a babysitter. I advocated on her behalf and even though my MM's atty and him stated he didn't have to pay the extra $$$ I convinced him to so she'd feel better. She is the one that unbeknownst to us quit taking D to sitter, kept the $$$, and made her D stay home from out of state visitation and keep his D even though she does not want to.<p>Can any of you take your BS's blinders off for one sec and admit that it is not right to leave D like this???<p>Alberta, thank you for the kind words and seeing what is the true heart of this matter.<p>CMiranda,
I answered you on other board as well. Thx. No, MM is not divorced yet. In Ga they have to take a class where kids are involved. They have done that. At this point she won't sign separation agreement. The court date at end of this month is an emergency hearing we petetioned to settle the matter of his keeping child at night while she works.<p>Cali,
Thank you. I always enjoy reading your posts here and on other site. How is your M going?<p>(((((Honey)))))
You are in pain. I hope you find your healing path soon.<p>I am an OW - YES. I am not evil. I love and am loved. I cry for other's pain. I AM a good mother. I have a 14 year old son who receieved a science achievement award. My son also has worked at WD since he turned 14 - his choice. My son also volunteers at nursing home - his choice. My D is 8 and beautiful and smart. She was offered a chance to skip second grade, but I wouldn't let her because I wanted her to stay w/ peers her own age. She is loving and sweet. She has warmly accepted the intrusion of MM's nephew w/out question or complaint. She has a beutiful voice and sings in the children's choir. We go to church. We pay taxes. <p>For those who stated they feel sorry for the kids that go to my day care - let me tell you this. I am looking at the faces of 4 sweet children napping as we speak. When they wake we all will tske a swim in pool. They LOVE it here and cry when it is time to go home. I do this not just for money, but a love for children. I even keep a 3-month-old from 11 - 7 for only $25 a week because the mother can't sfford much more.<p>No, don't feel sorry for the kids I keep.<p>When I was terminated due to this EMR situation - I initially was depressed. Through mediation I was offered a settlement or my job back. I chose settlement. I still get paid and get to not work. Out of boredom I got a job at daycare. I worked there for 2 days. The director actually bought 1 ONE gallon of milk for their lunch. She instructed me to dilute it. This ONE gallon was to feed the entire facility approx 60 kids. That, 10 cheese nips, and 1/2 sandwich. THOSE are the kids you shoud feel sorry for. The facility was state sussidized and approved. Feel sorry for those kids, not mine!!! fs

new beginning,
See if I was a catty woman I might suggest you take some of that free time you have on your hands while your H is out w/ his OW to take a math class. However, that would be nonproductive.<p>However, last I checked it would be inpossible for a 22-year-old to have a 14-year-old son.<p>For the record, I am 30. <p>SOW22MM<p>SINGLE OTHER WOMAN TO TWO MARRIED MEN.<p>I clarified that inthe first paragraph of initial post.<p>Nor, is it likely a 22-year-old could have completed her BSCJ and be 2 classes shy of MSW as well as graduated LPN school and worked 3 years on a surgical floor.<p>Possible I suppose, not likely.<p>On my way for swim so don;t have time to research exact quote, but doesn't it say somewhere in there about <p>judge not, lest ye be judged
or
Let he without sin cast the first stone<p>Much love to all... fs

No one finds happiness at another's expense...no one. <p>I think asking BS to allow you to care for her child is asking way too much. She didn't invite you into her life so my advice would be to stay out. <p>As far as passing inspection for a day care, I don't think that is in indication that you would be a better provider. There is a day care near my home that gives me the creeps to drive by. It's nasty, messy, and an isore. <p>This woman is hurt far more than you can imagine, but I say the chances of you someday getting to feel that same pain are very likely. You have a history of serial cheating and are living with someone you are not married to. He accepted you knowing that you had a relationship with yet another married man. <p>You're trying to rectify this situation? How is that possible? You helped destroy a marriage and now want to pour salt into the wound!<p>I feel for all the children involved in this scenario. No wonder the 14 year old is sneaking in boys...look at her role models.

amhurt - please re-read her post. She is not simply asking to care for the child. Money was given so proper childcare could be given and this money is now being used for something else and the childcare provided is questionable.<p>Yes, for sure the BS in this situation is hurting big time - she also had an affair - it's pretty complicated and I'm not about to pass judgement on any of these people. The issue is the child. The situation is what they have made it and nothing anyone says here is really going to change that. So, why can't we help?

OK folks, I don't know this lady's full history but I think she has perhaps been told she is wrong enough at this point. No amount of counsel is going to save anyone's marriage in this situation so let us perhaps do as she requests -- provide advice without flames.<p>While SOW may not have any right to the children of the W of MM, the MM certainly has right to the children. While it may typically be best for the children to remain in a home free of infidelity, that does not seem possible in this situation. Either the child lives with the mom and comes into contact with her OM or the child lives with the dad and has to interact with SOW. <p>SOW, I think you have to resolve yourself to the fact that his wife may never be understanding, may never be nice, may never act in the best interest of the child (whatever that may be) when the result may be to your benefit (or your H's). Such is the fruit of your deceit.<p>How would you work with a childish adult? Don't acknowledge their behavior. You want to be the bigger (or at least not stoop) person in this situation? Be assertive and allow his wife to grow in her own time. It is not your responsibility nor is it your place to try to make things easy for her. And, in many respects, it is quite demeaning and insulting.<p>Be nice to his wife and expect nothing ever in return. Treat her as God would have you and let any growth be up to her and her maker.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by SOW22MM:
<strong>new beginning,
See if I was a catty woman I might suggest you take some of that free time you have on your hands while your H is out w/ his OW to take a math class. However, that would be nonproductive.<p>However, last I checked it would be inpossible for a 22-year-old to have a 14-year-old son.<p>For the record, I am 30. <p>SOW22MM<p>SINGLE OTHER WOMAN TO TWO MARRIED MEN.<p>I clarified that inthe first paragraph of initial post.<p>Nor, is it likely a 22-year-old could have completed her BSCJ and be 2 classes shy of MSW as well as graduated LPN school and worked 3 years on a surgical floor.<p>Possible I suppose, not likely.<p>On my way for swim so don;t have time to research exact quote, but doesn't it say somewhere in there about <p>judge not, lest ye be judged
or
Let he without sin cast the first stone<p>Much love to all... fs</strong><hr></blockquote><p>You are funny! Sorry for the misunderstanding on that one!<p>Oh, and by the way... if you read my sig line, you'll see that my H isn't cheating and neither am I... but in my past marriage I was BOTH betrayer and betrayed (several times on the betrayed part)... so, um, guess I can't spend that time you suggested while my H is "out with his OW" -- eh? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</p>

FS,<p>I don't think we question your credentials or education nor do we think you are a bad person. You don't have to prove to us that you are educated or are human like the rest of us.<p>I am a BS and WS. I know where you are coming from. I also think that maybe the man in the middle(her H) went about things all wrong. Why rush out of one R into another without even giving the M enough time for repair? <p>I think that is what we question. Did he give his M a chance or did he just chose the easy way?<p>If you think his W is putting the D's in the middle of their breakup then can't you see that you and her H may be doing the same? <p>I don't think it is about the kids. We as adults just use them to hurt the other. The children get hurt by the tugging. If she is using her D's to hurt him, then I think that is what she is at fault for.<p>Your opinion doesn't matter to her or should it in their situation. I think, until you and her H get married, you should stay out of it anyway, whether it is your home or not. Regardless of your R with him, he is still M to her. Only they have the rights to those girls. How she chooses to raise her children is up to her. Don't mean to sound sarcastic or mean, but who are you to judge her? <p>She obviously has not gotten over her H and what he has done to her. Noone put a gun to his head to M her, get her pregnant(again), or leave her. Yes, people can get M'd for the wrong reasons, but that doesn't mean they don't love each other or can't eventually fall in love down the road. <p>She may seem unrational to you, but that is because you are the OW. I think you pity her and feel you are better for her H than she is. I also think you think you are better than her. Do you? She probably thinks this as well.<p>You want her to "accept" the inevitable. It won't happen for a long time, I'm sorry to say. She has made that clear(good or bad). <p>So, she has another man? Your point is? Maybe she doesn't want to be alone. Maybe she is trying to move on as well. Her H has another woman. Why can't she have another man? I don't think cause she is seeing someone that she is over her H. That is obvious. It is a major LB on her part though just as you are a major LB to her. You are correct, 'two wrongs don't make a right'. That's between her and her H and their M. <p>I don't know.....when you put yourself in the middle of their R and in the custody situation...Quote: "WE offered her a deal, etc.....", I think you are putting yourself in the fire. YOU have no rights to offer her anything. Only he does. I think that is why she has the "problem". <p>Maybe if you stay out of their situation, things could get easier and their M could come to an end on its own as well as the custody issue. You shouldn't be doing anything to help it along. Maybe that is what everyone is trying to tell you. <p>I think that is the only way this will be "put behind her", as you put it in one of your posts. <p>Goodluck.<p>Just my thoughts.
InTheClouds<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: INTHECLOUDS320 ]</p>

SOW22MM,
I'm Archuletan one of the moderators here on GQII.<p>My first thought was to tell you that when your thread is locked on one Forum it is not advisable to move it to another Forum. However I have contacted Xarelel the mod on P/C for more information.<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: Archuletan ]</p>

SOW,<p>I understand that your intentions for this child are good. At this point, I don't think that carries much weight with his wife. Your suggestions are logical but it is hard for a BS to apply logic to a situation like this. Emotions are very very hard to control when it comes to infidelity.
Can your MM arrange(himself)to have a third party babysit this child and be billed directly(himself)? This takes you and the sister out of the equation and it also solves the matter of the mother spending babysitting money on personal items.
I think it's in the best interest of the child that the Dad handle this right now until emotions settle.

First I would like to applaud Sheryl and everyone else’s wise and thoughtful responses on this thread.<p>SOW22MM<p>I am coming out of pretty much a long period of time lurking for this thread. I may not be politically correct on this or “enlightened” [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] but here goes…<p>I know this, it angers me greatly [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] now and hurts me to a lesser degree than it once would have, to see this and other posters and posts like this. Your post is the epitome of what we, the BS all feared or fear will be the end case scenario on our own marital situations. <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <p>Regarding your thread being locked on the Pregnancy/Child section of this message board, I have no concrete answer for you. I do know this thread did not belong in that section, which is very clearly described in one of our administrators, Tempest’s announcement at the top of the topic page.<p>What I also see is in this thread is an OW who is trying to justify the continuation of a relationship she readily admits was wrong in the first place. It is glossed over with the justified concern of the children. You mention that the wife now has someone in her life that stays over often. Like that makes it all better? First of all you don’t know the total nature or permanency of that relationship. Tell me SOW22MM did she have this man or any other man in her life on the side while you and HER husband started your affair? You can’t possibly fathom the hurt and loneliness that she is experiencing. Rejection from someone you love is something I don’t wish on anyone. Why she has chosen to turn to another man is something only a rejected BS could understand.<p>How dare you judge her knee jerk gut wrenching reactions to her husband’s continued rejection and relationship with you! She is not the extemporary mother you feel she should be? Well, she wants to keep someone with your apparent lack of moral character from being in HER daughter’s life as long as she can at nearly all possible cost. I can totally understand that. You intruded into her life without her permission. She did not intrude into your life. <p>I would have done anything I could to have prevented my 12 year old daughter at the time of D-day from spending any time with the OW. The affair caused a great deal of pain for my daughter and I would not want any one with the lack of character I feel she has to have any influence on my child. If a woman can have over a two year affair with a married man, then in my book, yes she is of questionable character. Again I will admit I am not politically correct or “enlightened” enough to accept this blatant disregard of Vows made to God just because this day and age seems to tolerate it. <p>You yourself admit to having two MM. I think that in itself says a tremendous amount about you. “You’ll never do it again, too much pain for all concerned.” I contend that remains to be seen in the future if this relationship you are having with someone else’s husband doesn’t succeed. <p>As far as you coming here to get a BS's perspective of your situation, I don’t feel that OW who are not remorseful, repentant and working on their own MARRIAGES belongs here. This is a Marriage Builders site as many others have pointed out. <p>When I came here over three years ago it was for help, solace, sanctuary and support, I was a person that was hanging on the edge of a cliff for dear life. Not to hear the OW’s point of view, not to get advice from an OW and certainly not to give advice to an OW! If I wanted to do that I would go to the sites, much like the one you belong to and post. I have read at a few of them and never intruded on the OW’s space of sanctuary. This is a site for people who are Building Marriages and the Infidelity board is for BS & WS who are trying to repair their marriages or themselves. Not for OP who has no intention of discontinuing an on going affair. <p>We are a group of loving and generous people, but your presence here is only causing pain and confusion for a great many of the members. If that is not your intention, then for a great deal of us, we’d be better of if you weren’t posting here. I have no right to tell people they can or cannot post here, or the power to prevent you from doing it. I only ask you to reach deep within yourself and show compassion to the BS’s here that are hurting so badly that you are noting but salt in their already gaping wounds. You’ve been party to causing enough pain already. Can’t you find it in your heart to stop by not posting here anymore?<p>My last comment will be this. If this thread belongs anywhere [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] it belongs on the Divorcing/Divorced section of this forum. Which was created and designed for members who had to face situations where there marriage’s didn’t work out and they were force to move forward. The same situation his wife is now in. I think indeed they may have a better perspective for you.<p>Divorcing/Divorced <p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: a blessed Samantha ]</p>

OK... I will weigh in on the side of "let's answer the questions." Perhaps the finalization of my divorce is allowing me to see this from a new perspective or I have been possessed by aliens or fell on my head or something (I know that's what anyone who knows me is thinking)...<p>First, SOW22MM, you should write to this forum's moderator or the forum administrator to ask about why your post was originally locked - those are the people who are responsible for that action and only they can know why they did it. Second, you should also write to the forum admin about changing your displayed name if you want to do that.<p>Finally, I think that you have received a lot of good information here. Even the more angry and hurtful of the responses is valuable learning for you if you can open up your mindset to listen to what they are telling you and not close yourself off because they are angry and hurting BS's - even if they don't choose to do the same. They are telling you that they are devastated and hurt. When people (including your MM's estranged W) are devastated, they do not necessarily act in a rational way - as a person who has worked in the medical field, you should know this very well.<p>You cannot "help" her through this. Your involvement with her is very likely tantamount to rubbing salt in an open wound. Even if she never loved him, she should never have had to worry that he was going to leave her for another woman. And her own involvement with another person does not change this, nor minimize the devastation she feels.<p>My take is that the advice about stepping out of the situation is the best. Don't involve yourself as long as they are still married, and even afterward, keep your involvement to a minimum. <p>If he is truly to be yours and yours alone in the future, you certainly shouldn't have to worry about their contact with one another. That isn't what you are concerned about, is it? That she might find some way to convince him to try again with her? Unfortunately, unless he is divorced, she has that right - and I will stand up for that one.<p>Remember that you really know nothing about their marriage - just as we really know nothing about you. My ex told his gf (now EVERYONE knows I've been possessed by aliens, right? LOL!) that he didn't love me, that I was selfish and mean to him... while at the same time he was telling me "I do love you." And that it wasn't about me and how I had treated him but that it was all about himself.<p>Maybe it is too late for your MM's marriage, but you still do not belong in plans for the life of his child. No matter what the wife tells you, I'm betting she is trying to prevent her child from being with the person she views as having helped to destroy her life as much as - or more than - using the child to hurt him.<p>Yup, some BS's are angry and vindictive. But you know what? We have a right to be. Psychologists and marriage therapists everywhere agree that the pain experienced by a person betrayed by their marriage partner is worse than the pain of any other type of loss. Even losing a spouse to death is less devastating than losing a spouse to infidelity. With death you are not tortured by visions of your chosen lifepartner sleeping with someone that doesn't have your face. With death there is no chance that you will run into them in the supermarket or the coffee shop in town... Anger is a way of dealing with grief that you cannot resolve. Perhaps not a healthy way - not if you get stuck there... but it is perfectly normal, nonetheless.<p>I could go on, but I'd be repeating even more of the things that other people have already told you. I cannot exactly say that I wish you well - but I certainly wish all of the participants in your drama the wisdom and compassion to realize what is right and fair and just, particularly for the children (yours, his, everyone's) who are involved and exposed to this situation.

<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: worthatry ]</p>

You have such a feeling of entitlement about you when you post I can only imagine what it feels like to his wife(she is after all still his wife), you have no business interfering in any part of their custody/support arrangements. <p> Being betrayed in this fashion destroys you. I was assualted as a child and that pain did not hold a candle to the pain that my exh's betrayl did. And I didn't have the burden of a baby on top of it.<p> How dare you involve yourself in their custody arrangements? You are the invader in her eyes and when you poke your nose in their business you more than likely enrage her and also inflame the pain she's going through. Just hearing your voice more than likely gets her going. I know when my ow would talk to me with authroity about the state of my marriage and my h I literally wanted to tear her throat out. What the hell business was it of this stranger(she was a stranger to me) telling me about my h and my relationship? And that's all you are to her, a stranger who has butted her way into her life, took her h and is now getting involved in decisions regarding her child.<p> You should be terribly ashamed of adding insult to injury. Let them handle their business on their own. You will never be able to see through that woman's eyes until this man betrays you, until then let them hash out business without your interference. You've done quite enough of that already.

Alberta,<p>Let me get this straight. The ow gets to decide if the wife spends her child support properly...
and if ow deems it to be unproper, she gets to decided how the child is cared for...I amazed at that logic...

Estes,
While our relationship may be immoral by society's standards, I do not agree that is emotionally unhealthy. He and I talk. We share. We communicate our hopes, dreams, fears, doubts, and worries. I have told this man EVERYTHING. I have no secrets from him whatsoever. I can not tell you what a good feeling that is. He has seen me at my worst, yet he still loves me.

Yes, Estes he is still married. They are divorcing. They were in the process of negotiation on visitation etc. in order to get a separation agreement drawn up. However, due to the baby being left at night we petetioned the Court for an emergency hearing. <p>I do say "we" a lot when I talk about MM and his pending D. I do that because I know a lot about family law and it is a good friend of mine (we went to school together) handling MM's side of things. Thus often if MM has a question I often will call our atty at home after hours. I am intelligent and compassionate, however it is a little late for me to step out of MM's life. We have decided we are in this for the long haul. We will marry. It is our staying together that allows him to pay such a generous amount of CS to his W. Remember I stated he already has 1 son from a prior relationship - he is 10. Ga law requires about 28% of his income for 2 children. He was already paying 24% FOR SON. WHAT GENERALLY HAPPENS IS THAT ORDER WOULD BE REDUCED AND THEN EACH WOULD GET 14% OF HIS INCOME. iNSTEAD WE HAVE BEEN WILLINGLY GIVING HER THE SAME AMOUNT HE PAYS TO SON AND AT ONE TIME WAS ALSO GIVING HER AN ADDITIONAL SUM FOR THE BABYSITTER. Sorry about the caps. If we were not creating a home together and sharing expenses he would not be able to provide that amount to her. <p>justthewife you said:
I wholeheartedly believe that it is better for the child to spend time with her father and the woman that will be her stepmother. I guess I am assuming you'll marry - sorry if I'm wrong. <p>You are right - we will marry.<p>And - Both of the parties in the marriage are involved with other people. <p>Hopefully the court will make a decision in the best interest of the child.<p>Thank you Elizabeth - I hope so too.<p>amhurt,
I am not asking to care for her child, he is. MM the child's father is off at night while she works. Our home is very clean. That is not the issue. I was gracious enough to allow her - W - to come and see it and the room we set up for her D.
There is NO question in my mind that 2 adults who WANT to care for the child is a better choice than a 14-year-old that doesn't want to babysit the child. In fact, many may argue that the 14-year-old D is in need of a babysitter herself during graveyard hours.<p>Mr. Bunky,
Thank you for the advice.
<p>new_beginning
O.k. - truce I was in a hurry and did not read your background.<p>in the clouds,
To clarify - they have only 1 daughter together. She has 3 other daughters - 2 are grown and live elsewhere other is at home and is 14. <p>you said:<p>How she chooses to raise her children is up to her. <p>I agree, so long as she does not jeopardize their well being. Yes, some 14 year olds are mature, but they are not adults. This teen should not have to step into adult shoes. The 14 yo D should be in Texas visiting her dad.<p>I don't think I am better than her. I do feel her H and I are better suited for one another - time will tell.<p>So, she has another man? Your point is? <p>My point was to explain to the poster that thought she sits at home pining away etc. that was not the case. I don't feel her seeing this man is wrong. I applaud her. She can have 10 men for all I care. <p>Quote: "WE offered her a deal, etc.....", I think you are putting yourself in the fire. YOU have no rights to offer her anything. Only he does. I think that is why she has the "problem". <p>I say we because I am involved and he and I are a team as they should have been, but sadly never were. He listens to me. She calls me and asks for advice also. I guess that is what is so confusing to me. She for the most part is a rationale, reasonable person.<p>I think that is the only way this will be "put behind her", as you put it in one of your posts. <p>I do not recall ever posting the above. Could you please show me where I did so.<p>Cleopatra,<p>Can your MM arrange(himself)to have a third party babysit this child and be billed directly(himself)? This takes you and the sister out of the equation and it also solves the matter of the mother spending babysitting money on personal items.
I think it's in the best interest of the child that the Dad handle this right now until emotions settle. <p>We are looking in to this option. However she lives in a small town and it is hard to find someone willing to keep a child during those hours.
fs

Samantha,
To clarify, I have never judged her. I don't care how many men she has.<p>terri,
Thank you for the advice. And, no - I am in no way concerned about the 2 of them spending time together. In fact, I encourage it. She is not a threat to me or our relationship. I tell him he can go see the baby whenever. However, he does so only when she is at work. After we swam and ate tonight he went over there. He just got back in and is watching the play offs (yuk) - she gets off at 11. He always goes when she is not there. He says he does this so I will trust him. I don't care when he goes. However, if it makes him happy to feel he is building my trust in him so be it.<p>For the last poster who mentioned the money. I could care less how this woman spends her CS money. I get CS also and I'll be damned if anyone will tell me what to do w/ it. The money in question was the additional money $55 a week we were giving in addition to the CS which was to go towards the babysitter that was supposed to be keeping the D at night while the W worked. Yes, we have every right to expect that is what that extra money be spent on. She is the one who decided to quit taking the baby to babysitter while still taking the extra money. I don't hold that against her, however, we will not stand idly by and allow the baby to left in inept hands. And I am sorry if my use of the term "we" bothers some. However, he and I are a team. fs

Good luck to you Ms. OW - you sure are going to need it. You know how the game is played so you'll recognize the signs. Think about his wife the first time he's late coming home, when money is unaccounted for, when he's just too tired to bother with you, when you look into your mirror and see the reflection of fear. Oh wait there's an easier way to say this - If he did it with you then he'll do it to you. You've hooked yourself one real gem of a guy [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

SOW22MM, I am confused.<p>You're living with a MM. He is divorcing his W for you.<p>Why the heck are you at Marriage Builders?!?!?!?! [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I don't think OWs belong here, unless they are remorseful for what happened, and they and/or their OM are working to rebuild their respective marriages.

amhurt -
oy! No that is not what I'm saying at all...sheesh - twist everything around would ya?<p>Okay fs - it seems the best choice is to back off - let this be between him and her. If it is your money that is providing the extra babysitting cash then stop providing it. I believe you have a genuine concern for this child, however, until their marriage is dissolved and custody and payments are finalized by a court of law, maybe you should just stay in the background on this one. It may be this "teamwork" that you and her H display is one of the real issues for the BS. I know it would really tear at me if I was in her shoes...<p>Take Care.