Hi all. First let me thank all in advance for any valid responses I receive. I would also like to change my displayed name (seems insensitive - however, when I chose it I wanted to be upfront about the circumstances I was in), but am unsure how to do so. The title no longer applies. Also let me be upfront in stating I post at another site as femalesargeant. I am seeking advice from the BS point of view.<p>Brief recap: I began seeing MM#1 in October of 2000. MM#1 got married in 8/00. At first, I did not know he was married. We worked together. I continued to see him after I knew. We spent a lot of time together. After a while I became frustrated and began seeing MM#2. I did know he was married. These were my only 2 EMR and I will never engage in this type relationship again. It is too painful for all involved. I ultimately quit seeing MM#2 and went into NC w/ MM#1. MM#1 has since left M, D is in process, and we have been staying together full-time since the end of March. We signed a lease together on new house on 04/12/02.<p>Living w/ MM#1 thus far has been GREAT. We always had lots in common. For the last year and a half he has played a major role in the life of my kids. Now he does so on a full-time, live-in basis. I have a 14-year-old son and an 8-year-old daughter. MM is an assistant coach on my D's softball team. He has hepled my son get his first job and works out with him. We go to church. We cookout. We have fun. <p>Since I lost my job due to the outing of our relationship (no big deal as they are still paying me 60$ of my salary and will continue to do so for 10 months) he is helping me get my home daycare off the ground. We have had the state local family and children services to our home to conduct a home study - passed w/ flying colors. His 5-year-old nephew is now living
here for the summer. I am now licensed to keep kids in our home. I have a BSCJ, am a former LPN (just never too boards when moved to this state), and am CPR certified. My point is this - I am not ignorant. <p>MM and W have a D who will turn 1 in Aug - we share same bday. MM's W and I used to work together. We always got along, but were never friends per say. MM also has a son from a prior relationship. We live in Ga and for 2 kids the CS guidelines state he has to surrender 28% of income. <p>An emergency hearing in re visitation is set up for the end of June. Since he left MM has been providing more support than required as well as giving an additional sum for her to pay the sitter. MM works 40 hours 7 a.m. - 7 p.m. Sun - Tues and 6 hours on Wed. MM's W works 3rd shift 11p.m. - 7 a.m. We found out a little over 2 weeks ago that she had not been sending D to babysitter but instead has been letting her 14-year-old D (not his) watch baby. The same 14-year-old who has on 2 occassions snuck boys in the house. <p>I realize MM and I were wrong and very selfish to have the EMR. We are now trying to rectify the situation as best we can. I feel we have been very fair w/ W. I have even had her over so she could see the provisions we have made for D in our home - toys, clothes, crib - the works. <p>She stated to me on more than 1 occassion that MM made her hurt and thus she wants him to know what it feels like. MM as I have stated is off every hour that she works. He always kept D when he was living in the marital home. W allows him to see D, however she only wants him to do so at her home. Thus far we have not pushed the issue, however that is what the hearing is scheduled for.<p>I understand she is angry and has a right to be. However, isn't there a point where you let go of the anger, or at least set it aside to do what is best for the daughter. Surely anyone would have to agree that 2 adults (1 of which is bio-dad) in a home that has been inspected by the state DFCS where a nurse that is infant CPR certified would be a better choice to care for the D than a rebellious 14-year-old D during graveyard hours. An emergency can happen at any time.<p>Our attorney has assured us when this goes to court we will win this issue hands down. However, I feel it is sad it has to come to this.<p>If you were the BS in a similliar situation would you act in the same manner? Is there anything that can rectify this besides time? Any advice appreciated. Thank you. fs

Hi S,
I am not a BS, (I'm fws & fow) so I can not offer you any feedback on how someone should or would respond in that situation. I wanted to say that his ex-wife sounds as if she is acting like some of the OW described the BS's here. The OW gets labeled as vindictive, controlling, and difficult, etc. I think you story points out that when a person is deeply hurt, their actions do not normally display a person who is wounded; rather a person is just damn pissed off. Who can blame any of them, regardless of how they got hurt. Hurt is hurt.
Good luck with your situation; it isn't the norm for how affairs normally work out I'm sure you will get alot of responses here. Hopefully some will help lend you the insight you're looking for.

CMiranda,
Thx for the kind words. Yes, I believe pain is pain regardless of one's label. I know she and I never will be friends, nor is that what I am after. I just wish we could come to an amicable resolution w/out having to involve the courts on every dilemma. Maybe in time...fs

From what I've heard about custody/visitation in these types of situations, if the father has partial custody, and is allowed, by the courts, to have his child in his home, then the mother cannot "dictate" who can or cannot be around during these visitations. Unless there are extenuating circumstances sited in the court papers. You guys may just have to wait till that court hearing to see what the judge says, and take it from there.<p>Don't know if this helped any.<p>Tigger

Tigger,
Unfortunately it does seem we will have to wait for the judge to Order the arrangement. We even offered her a deal - let us keep D while she works and he will seek liberal visitation only and not joint custody. She has yet to give in thus he is pursuing joint custody. In the hearing at the end of this month he is asking to have D from 2 p.m. Wed until Sun a.m. w/ the exception of her scheduled days off - WHICH DO ROTATE. I just wish we could resolve this between us. fs

What exactly is your question? I got lost... is your question about the W's response and reactions and how to change her reaction? Or... is your question about how to get visitation that better suits your desires???<p>If you were to ask the W what her objections to having her D around you are ... what do you think her reasons might be? You've painted yourself as certainly well qualified as a babysitter ... but is there something you've left out? Could the W be concerned about having her D exposed to what she considers to be an immoral home situation??? If this is her concern, do you think it is a valid concern? Do you think a mother has the right, or the duty even, to protect her daughter from a home life that condones adultery?<p>No flames ... just food for thought.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Pepper,
I guess I was curious from BS POV what would it take to soften your stance in the same situation. She and I have talked. As I stated she said it is not me. She stated that he hurt her and she wants him to hurt. She also stated that she is through accomodating him. She did ask me once that I stole her H was I going to steal her D too? <p>Yes, some may consider our home life to be immoral, but she states that is not her concern. She lived w/ someone prior to marrying her H. Also as I said we do intend to rectify that ASAP. However, if that was her concern - yes, it would be valid. Yes, a mother has a right and a duty to protect their children from that what they deem is immoral.<p>Visiatation is not really the issue. I know when we go to court we will get an order in our favor. I just wish we could resolve issues among ourselves - we are all adults. Her own atty has advised her that she will lose on this issue. She states she is through making his life easy and he will just have to wait till court.<p>For the WS that have had to deal w/ OW in re the children and have been successful at it - what helped put the pain of betrayal behind you in an effort to focus on the best interest of the children? We will all have to deal w/ one another for years to come - what's the harm in starting off on the right foot? fs

OK ... Thanks for the clarification! If you want this to be the beginning of a healthy relationship between your two homes ... take the stance (WITH HER) that you have at least a growing understanding of her pain and her hurt and her anger ... and that YOU will do whatever it takes to make this easier on all of you. Then ask her ... what can I do to make this easier for you? Then listen.<p>Good luck ... your life with this man and all these blended children will not be smooth ... but it is what you decided you wanted ... so complaining is not an option! LOL! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take care.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

When my husband moved out to live with his uncle, one of my biggest concerns was that I did not want my 3 year old daughter around the OW. The only thing that would have changed my mind would have been time. Time for me to heal from the hurt and from the fear that my child would be psychologically damaged from the situation that "we created". My daughter was so upset that her daddy was not home anylonger. He kept her for one week at his uncle's house and I kept her for one week. With those arrangements he had plenty of time to interact with the OW without my child being present.<p>I understand that you all are trying to set up "house" and get your lives moving, but you all seem unrealistic. How can you expect her to want her child to interact with her father and her father's OW, when all the child has ever known is that her mother and daddy are together.<p>This is off the subject but I have some questions:<p>Do you ever fear that he will leave you for another woman?<p>Do you ever feel guilty about being OW.? if not what are your rationalizations?<p>Are you really in love or are you just proud of the fact that "you won".

Pepper,
Again, thxs for the kind words. Please don't think I am complaining. I really do want to just get along. <p>I also faield to mention that she (W) also has am OM. This OM visits her all the time at marital home and spends time w/ the D. MM has been very accepting of this. I am not here to slander her name, I just want us to work together to make this transition as smooth as possible for everyone.<p>nicole,
I am sorry for the pain you went through. However, you must admit there is a huge difference between a 3-year-old and a 6 month old (age D was when he moved out). MM did not move in w/ me directly - we thought about it long and hard. We decided it would be best. It also helps her - the W because w/out having to get his own place etc. he is able to give her the additional money we give her besides what is expected for CS.<p>I have always got along w/ the W. I just disagree w/ her position on this issue. I hope we can resolve this. I plan to spend my life w/ this man. I am a good person. I will treat her child well. Las night when I went shopping for my kids and his nephew I bought for their D as well - that is just me.<p>
Do you ever fear that he will leave you for another woman?<p>Anything is possible. I do not believe he is the serial cheater type of man though. All I can do is take it one day at a time. Trust naturally be an issue fr us due to our beginning - however, I refuse to allow doubt to steal the happiness away that I have found.<p>Do you ever feel guilty about being OW.? if not what are your rationalizations?<p>Of course I felt guoilty. If you ever visit the site I post on regurally you will see I wrestled w/ the guilt for over a year. I may be the OW, but I am a feeling, compassionate woman - who fell in love w/ another woman's H.<p>The odd thing is we talk (W and I). She stated she is no longer angry w/ me. In fact, she has thanked me. She states she is now happy. Yet, she still wishes to punish him. I guess that is only natural.<p>Are you really in love or are you just proud of the fact that "you won". <p>I have not "won" anything. Nor were she and I in a contest. Sometimes the wrong people marry one another for the right reasons. That is what happened to them. Trust me, my MM is no prize nor are we living a fairytale existance. Reading from other site will show I wasn't gung ho about this when we entered into said arrangement. I am now grateful I did do this. He does make me happy. He has always been a huge part of my D's life and she is also thrilled to pieces that he is here. fs

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by SOW22MM:
<strong><p>I understand she is angry and has a right to be. However, isn't there a point where you let go of the anger </strong><hr></blockquote><p>I realize the Wayward Spouse and OW are eager to have the Betrayed Spouse "get over it" because they have and figure that she should, too.<p>Betrayeds feel they have lost everything they hold dear, everything meaningful, especially in a situation where the WS runs off and shacks up with the OW and plans a wedding. This dismisses the Betrayed Spouse and makes her feel used, duped, made a fool of, shamed, embarrassed, humiliated and disposed of like yesterday's trash. The rejection alone is unbearable and the resentment and anger lasts for YEARS.<p>She has lost her history with her husband, her home as she knew it, the comfort and love they shared, the feeling of family and unity they shared. She probably sleeps with his robe and cries herself to sleep and the kids are probably feeling out of sync and worried and confused. She is traumatized, and "hurt" does not even begin to describe it.<p>I think a lot of sensitivity on your part to her feelings after what you and MM have done is in high order here. In fact, if I were you, I would just back off and leave her alone. Don't drag her into court to make your life easier. You are just adding insult to excruciating injury. And it's not right.<p>Catnip =^^=<p>[ June 04, 2002: Message edited by: catnip ]</p>

catnip,
Gotta go - will respond when I get in. It is not to make our life easier though. Her D would be receiving better care in our hands than a 14 - year-old D who has already stated - very clearly -that she doesn't want to babysit every night. Why shoud a 14 year old D have to step into the shoes of an adult to embrace her (BS's) anger??? Plus the 14 yo is missing visitation w/ her out of state dad this summer to babysit - THAT IS WRONG. Got to take MM to MD will respond fully when I return.

This post was moved here from the Pregnancy/Child forum on June 5 in the afternoon. At the time I did not know that it had been recreated here.