FWH and I in recovery since Nov...doing great for the most part. still few things we are trying to work out<p>Before A hubby drank a beer or 2 daily. <p>After A started to drink more...after D-day even more. Was up to 4 beers and 2 glasses of wine for a while there. sometime more spread out over the weekend.<p>H ended up getting a bleeding ulcer about 3 weeks ago. Had to take him to ER cuz he was vomitting blood. Dr told him seems to have healed over but he had acid reflux pretty bad--they did biopsy.<p>for 3 weeks hubby had nothing but 1 or 2 non-alcoholic beers the entire 3 weeks. went for biopsy results today and were negative. Dr told him not to INDULDGE with alcohol that it was one of the main offenders...and try to avoid stress (yeah right)<p>Well, this afternoon h drank 4 beers already. maybe more since we had an argument about it and he huffed off for space. Am I being a witch and worrying too much? He says I should trust him to know his own body and if he is doing it harm. HELLO!!! this is the same man who threw up blood 3 weeks ago but always said it was not a problem<p>he doesnt really get "drunk" he works hard everyday..etc etc he does not sleep well sometimes which alcohol and affairs can affect. he also was depressed for a while but he blamed that on being unhappy with me. HELLO,,,isnt alcohol a DEPRESSENT? i tell him all the things I read but he only beleives what he wants and says the rest is BS.<p>I dont want this to be another major downfall BUT am I wrong to be concerned. does anyone know what is "Safe" to drink daily...how it really can or can not affect you<p>HELP!!! If I am just overreacting tell me! Should I just keep my mouth shut about this? I worry about him

In my opinion ANY amount of alcohol that is consumed DAILY is too much. One or two is still enough to be habit forming, and 4+ is already in the alcoholic area. I remember growing up with a dad who went from 1 or 2, to 3-4 on up to a six pack, then a 12pk, then more. It's not healthy and not just because of his ulcer.

You are not your husband's keeper. So stop harrassing him about it. He's an adult and capable of disciplining himself. <p>Refusal to stop drinking in the face of severe physical consequences is a strong indication for alcoholism.<p>But before you run off diagnosing him and trying to fix his problem - you need to check into the nearest Al-Anon meeting. <p>You can't fix him and you can't solve this problem. You can only take care of you.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>In my opinion ANY amount of alcohol that is consumed DAILY is too much. One or two is still enough to be habit forming, and 4+ is already in the alcoholic area. I remember growing up with a dad who went from 1 or 2, to 3-4 on up to a six pack, then a 12pk, then more. It's not healthy and not just because of his ulcer. <hr></blockquote><p>Amount or frequency of drink IS NOT necessarily an indicator of alcoholism. A habit is also NOT an addiction.<p>Addicts have absolutely NO choice - it is not a "habit" that they picked up. They have a choice to get help for themselves, and a responsiblity to treat themselves if they have this disease, but they don't get to choose or form habits when it comes to alcohol. Most alcoholics become so with the FIRST drink.<p>Heavy drinkers are not necessarily alcoholics, so that can't be used as a judge.<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: BrambleRose ]</p>

I won't argue with you....but as I said...any amount consumed daily is too much IN MY OPINION. I wouldn't live with a man who consumed alcohol daily...that's my personal choice after growing up with a TRUE alcoholic. My husband doesn't even drink socially and I wouldn't mind at all if he did. But daily? Not in my house.

After reading this, I think I need to chime in [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I agree with both of you... you have habit drinkers and alcoholics... The major difference is that alcoholics can't stop.. they literally place the value of alcohol above everything else in their lives. Habit drinkers, on the other hand, do not do so.. they function entirely normally in life and are able to even stop if need be.<p>That's just how I justified my own drinking [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The fact is, I drank a six-pack a night for probably 5 years, maybe 7... hard to remember when it started (that's pretty bad). However, I was able to maintain a very high-paying job, I was able to keep GFs happy and fulfilled... nothing was a problem.<p>I met the girl of my dreams and we married. After she moved in, she saw my drinking and it actually scared her. It was such a habit for me I just couldn't break it without her support... like smoking (but much more obnoxious).<p>It took her telling me that if I didn't stop drinking she was going to leave, to make me quit. It was at that point that I decided she was more important than drinking... of course after that, everything went to hell in a handbasket.. but that's not the point [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>This entirely too long winded background really leads to the point that whether it's an addiction or not is irrelevant. As I see it, it is an Affair. It is something... maybe not a person, but an activity that is taking something out of your relationship. It is the other "woman". That is true with anything.. be it alcohol, computer games, friends, music and even golf. <p>When it becomes so important that you don't care that your pursuit of it is hurting the other person, then there is a problem that must be worked on.<p>Whether you are too sensitive or s/he is indulging too much is something the two people *really* need to work out. I found out later, it wasn't the amount I was drinking that was causing the problem (although it was too much and I should have known that myself)... it was the attitude I had about it... that it was more important than her... that I would *hide* what I was doing so I didn't *hurt* her... because I needed it, but what was it hurting her if she didn't know... basically, it was an affair ... the same thing she pulled on me with an EA with an ex-lover, yet she will still not admit to it 2 years later <had to plug that I know from the other end also>.... affairs are tough [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Well, I feel like I lost my point and rambled too much... but hope that helps.

thanks for your posts everyone
Hope4future...what you mention is my concern. The guy my h learned his trade from is up to atleast a 12 pack a day . Maybe it is just a habit but it is a bad, costly habit.<p>Bramblerose,
I understand part of what you are saying and I kept my mouth shut for a long time. HOWEVER, when I had to take him to ER 3 weeks ago and watch them stick a tube in his nose and down into his stomach and the first thing he asked after the procedure and was told it was healed over was "does that mean I can have a beer?". I am not saying he is an alcoholic---maybe it is just a habit. But if it is it's a bad habit that apparantly is not healthy for him.<p>WHEN I mentioned it I did not Harrass.....I told him I was concerned and why. He was the once who got very defensive and argumentative. I do worry when he was sick for the last 3 weeks and did miss some work -which he is construction so no work means no pay. <p>So, When do I have a right to be concerned and how should I express my concern? I have walked through the fires of hell and back for this man and am just very worried. When it SEEMS (maybe i am wrong) to affect his mood, his sleep pattern, his health, and his happines...I tend to get concerned. In the long run it affects me. <p>No, I am not his keeper. I am also not his mother. I am his wife though who depends on him in many ways; and I don't need a child or a patient to take care of. You are right though. It is his life...and I guess it is my choice if I want to walk away if I feel it is a problem-even if he does not. We have worked through so many things now though and are doing great in so many ways I just thought this was something that we should be able to discuss--I don't want to just walk away without trying to help or understand that it is ok.<p>I have learned a lot over the last 10 months. And I am growing every day. But I don't have all the answers. That is why I am asking for some help and support here....I have been through much but am not sure how to handle this. I expressed concerned in the calmest caring way I could. <p>I even told him that was all I would say about it. That I just wanted him to know I was concerned. I did not plan on harrassing him....I posted here because I just wanted to vent and get some support. Maybe some facts on what I should look at. I am not labeling him---I am trying to get help and understand if there is a serious problem. I don't mean to sound righteous about it. I guess I am a bit on edge and hormonially challenged to boot---your post just seemed like a smack on the hand to me. Not a shoulder to lean on. <p>I do appreciate your advise regarding alanon. I have a friend at works who attends; maybe I will check it out.<p>beingZen,
thanks for your honest input. I guess I really get worried because when I do try to just talk about it calmly and with concerned he blows it up ...which really scares me that it is a problem. Wish he would just say, honey I am sorry you are worried. or thanks for being concerned but I am ok. instead he gets defensive and I worry more. I have come too far and stood to strong through the A and many other things. I guess I will just keep praying and trying to be the best wife possible. Without being harrassing or with LB. but his drinking seems to be a major LB to me.<p>sorry for my ramblings.....Honest everyone..I am still open for advise! sorry bramblerose and all if i am bit touchy. Maybe I need a drink...

Hurtbuthealing143,<p>A person with a bleeding ulcer should not be drinking alcohol at all.<p>Mixing beer and wine is a terrible beating on the stomach.<p>I will drink, yes. And I'm not trying to be judgemental
regarding him, but in my opinion he is an alcoholic. <p>I have never had my stomach pumped but think about it. Doesn't sound pleasant to me. At the very least he is a problem drinker and needs help.<p>When I went to MC one of the first things asked regarded drug and/or alcohol abuse. It can ruin a person's life.<p>Support him and love him but insist he get's some help if you want to spend a long life together. I've seen this before.<p>Prayers for you

This might help you...<p>Is there an alcoholic in your life?<p>Cali<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: Cali ]</p>

I agree with some of the people who have written...any amount of alcohol is too much. I, too, would not live with a husband who drinks alcohol. A marriage is hard enough to keep on the right track without adding alcoholic drinks to the equation. Good luck to you. <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

Thanks to all....He is a good man; but tries to release stress with alcohol---and that does not do it. He still needs to learn to cope with life in productive ways. We both have been learning a lot---but he has a ways to go I think. He has made some bad choices in the last year---and this is another one of them. <p>I can't change him; but I can be here for him-love him, and try to help him IF he wants the help. I will do all I can without jeopardizing my own sanity.<p>I will have to check out that website Cali. I am trying not to come to rash conclusions. I have an occassional social drink; but typically dont drink cuz i am usually designated driver. I am very adament about not drnking and driving as my brother was almost killed; and was disabled by a drunk driver. My h does not drink and drive cuz I usually am there. <p>I guess where I need to draw the line is on how MUCH I let it affect me. I want to help and know I should be concerned. I am trying very hard not to let the worry take me over though.<p>My nature is to worry...my mind goes from one thought to a thousand. Like if he drinks to much, then he gets sick, I have to take care of him, he doesnt work, I cant pay the bills, we lose the house, etc etc. That is what I am trying not to do but it happens. Guess I need to take it one day at a time and keep living a healthy life for myself.<p>I really thought there was not a problem when he went 3 weeks with nothing--cuz he was scared and the stomach tube thing was very painful (they don't numb anything or put you out). I was so hopeful. he seemed to be feeling better, sleeping better, more upbeat. But when the first day after followup he drink 4+ beers I was a bit worried.<p>he is the sweetest, most loving man and we are so great together. He is my best friend. When i give him space he tends to think about what I have said---I hope as he plays over the conversation last night he realizes I am not trying to be the alcohol police--that I am just really worried about him. <p>I will try to educate myself on facts; and maybe not so much opinion. thanks to all for your input. Pray for me. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I'm in an Adult Children of Alcoholics group. Our facilitator is the head of the psychiatry unit and a neuroscientist whose field of research is addictivity.<p>He said that alcoholism is a biogenetic fact. One is born alcoholic just as one is born with a predisposition to asthma or breast cancer.<p>The trigger point at which alcoholism can be activated?
TWO drinks daily for a man; ONE for a woman. These are facts that can be checked out independently.

Thanks justartingover, I guess all I can do is get some facts in black&white on paper....give it to him...and what he does with it is up to him. <p>oh yeah, and I can keep praying.

To me any sort of drinking done daily, where YOU HAVE TO, is too much. If you are relying on it to relax, go to sleep, or just get thru the day you are an alcoholic. Therefore even if it’s only one drink a day you are an alcoholic. Of course, my H disagrees; he says that there is nothing wrong with drinking several beers every day as long as you can still function. Of course he drinks probably 3 to 4 beers a night and is what you might call a functioning alcoholic. <p>Another clue, according to my counselor, is how does it make YOU feel when you see him drink? If it causes a pit in your stomach and makes you tense your intuition is telling you something. A person that doesn’t have a problem would see how it is affecting his/her loved one and stop drinking just to avoid that person from feeling any pain even if it was only one sip of alcohol. A person that has a problem won’t be able stop no matter what even if it’s affecting the people around them negatively. <p>That’s another thing no matter what you say or do the alcoholic will not stop. The decision to stop is a personal one and they must make it on their own, usually when they hit rock bottom. No amount of nagging, pleading, or threats is going to stop them. The only thing you can do is to protect the affect the drinking has on you. A very good book to read is Keeping Them Sober (don’t know the name but you can find it on the internet). Al-anon is also a very good idea. <p>This is not speaking for every person that has a drinking problem or is married to someone that has the problem these are only my experiences with the disease.

Thanks for all the input!<p>On a brighter note....things are looking up I HOPE. After our argument I mentioned my h gave it some thought. The weekend was great....when I got home friday he was drinking a non-alcoholic O'douls---which I am fine with. He has agreed to cut back---nothing during the week. Just maybe social on the weekend. <p>He says he had already made his mind up to cut back after the dr told him not to induldge in alcohol. He said he had a few that day cuz it had been 3 weeks since he had even one. I asked him if he understood why I would be concerned to see him go full force right away? he said he did and it is not a problem for him. <p>WE shall see I guess. Only time will tell. I am very hopeful though---and daying lots of prayers. I really have been through so much with the A already; I don't want any more havoc in my life. I pretty much told him it was his body and it was his choice and decision about alcohol BUT if it does end up being a problem--it is my choice whether I want to stay with someone who drinks all the time. We kissed and made up and he drank milk with his dinner! (o:<p>just say some prayers for me!! I did get some literature from a friend who has attended alanon. Knowledge is power and I will leave it where he can see it. Facts are facts.<p>[ June 10, 2002: Message edited by: hurtbuthealing143 ]</p>