No one ever had the courtesy or guts to tell me when my FWH was having affairs, tho they were both of pretty long duration (he was told about my A very quickly - go figure). <p>To this day, it really ticks me off that no one would tell me! However, I'm now in that same position of having information regarding a wandering spouse's antics. <p>The WS is a cop with my husband, and he and his family are long-time friends of ours, tho not close friends. The OW happens to be the same OW from my FWH's EA last Summer. I refer to her as "Badge Bimbo". She's supposedly "best friends" with this cop, which bothers his wife no end. A few months after I blew up about her and my H calling/lunching all the time (and not telling me), I found out that this guy and Badge Bimbo have been physical -- "everything except penetration." This information was told directly by the guy to my cousin (also a cop), so I assume it is true. <p>I didn't do anything with this info -- other than tell FWH, who said it was news to him -- because I was afraid everyone would think I was just trying to get Badge Bimbo in trouble because of the trouble she (and FWH) caused me. This happend almost a year ago, but it's really been on my mind alot lately. They're still together all the time...with and without his wife. I've been told it's not physical anymore, but who knows? I'm sure his wife has no idea the extent of their (past?) relationship. <p>Since it's been so long, and considering our history with this woman -- would ya'll tell the cop's wife what you know? It's second hand info, and I really don't want to stir up trouble if it's all over....talking myself out of it again.<p>What would you do?<p>Lori

What does your H think you should do? He would know better than most.<p>L.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> No one ever had the courtesy or guts to tell me when my FWH was having affairs, tho they were both of pretty long duration (he was told about my A very quickly - go figure).
To this day, it really ticks me off that no one would tell me! <hr></blockquote><p>
Talk about ticked!!! When my WW was having the A, ALL of her family knew most of the time. My WW's Mom & Dad, WW's brother, and WW's sister and husband.<p>I thought I had the perfect in-laws. There had never been anything other than affection for each other. They have always treated me as their son, and I watched WW's sister grow up. She looked to me as a big brother.....<p>I'll have to rethink that one now. I understand it was their daughter/sister, but...hey...ever heard of anonymous letters? I do sort of hold it quite deeply against the WW's sister's husband. He could have told me. He even knew the OM. I know I would have told him.<p>hcii

Tough call. When I found out about the first A, I was not told directly. He had the gall to take her up north for the weekend at friends cabin on the lake. Every so often when they would go, they would invite us. My friend called and said I should come up right away. My car was working poorly so I could not. She told me what was going on. I confronted him. We have not spoken to this couple since. I don't blame her for telling me, it just her boyfriend was part of the whole scene, and I did not want anymore involvement with them. If you value her friendship, you need to be aware that because you are the bearer of bad news, it could strain your friendship. On the other hand, she will be upset that you didn't tell her and you knew. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

at peace<p>I feel that same way about people not telling me about my ex-h's affairs. I feel so strongly about it that I have nothing to do with the people who knew anymore. How dare they conclude in his infidelity. Sure they did not tell because they ‘did not want to get involved’. But this also means that they are spineless people who are not my friends. They cannot be trusted to care about me. Who needs them? <p> When this woman finds out about the extent of the affair and how many people knew about it, her relationships with those people are going to be strained anyway. So would you rather your relationship with her be strained because you kept your mouth shut or because you told her?<p>The topic of providing information anonymously is discussed from time to time here. My comment on it is that I’d rather have heard the info anonymously then not at all. Though if you do it, give as much detail as possible so that it does not leave her in a position of only being more confused.<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

Thanks for your replies, everyone. Such a touchy and painful subject, and I know it's a trigger for some here.<p>As far as how my husband feels about my telling her, I think I need to broach the subject with him again. When I mentioned it nearly a year ago, he didn't say "don't do it" (he's not that way), but he did think it should be left alone because I didn't have any real proof. Also, cops tend to protect one another, and if I tell it will affect two (the WS cop and the cop who told me -- cousin says they'll know who told).<p>I realize that who gets "in trouble" shouldn't really affect my decision of whether or not to tell. The idea of telling her anonymously may be the best option. I hate that I've been put in this position...makes me a little more sympathetic to those cowards who didn't tell me.<p>That brings up a whole other subject -- I still feel uncomfortable around people who knew about H's affairs...At the Air Base (H's 1st affair was with a woman in the Guard with him), and the Police Department (H's 2nd affair was with a female cop). Lots of people knew in both cases. It's been 11 years since OW#1, and I still feel embarassed when I have to go to the Base <sigh>. Geez, I've triggered myself...<p>ANYWAY, thanks for your thoughts. I'll talk to H tonight to get his thoughts on the subject.<p>Lori