I have been on this board for quite sometime now and I have been in this situation since D Day November 19 2000. That's the day my world change forever. I am sure most everyone here has a similar story and date.
What I don't understand, and probably never will, is ... Why. Why did this happen to us, I know all about the En's and the LB's that I've learned from the site, but the simple fact of the matter is, for the most part, we ( BS) don't deserve this, and we have to be the ones to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. How did this world come to this where people take little or no responsibility for their lives and actions. I have read a great deal of post here, and I am amazed at how incredible you all are. I know I can't be the only one feeling like doing Plan A is just being a doormat at times. What keeps us doing this ? I know some of it, in my case, is fear. Fear of being alone, Fear of having to start over again, and fear of the ramifications leaving will have on others in our lives.
I also know that Love is another part of it. We feel we can bring our WS's back from the depraved state they have allowed themselves to fall into. Well you know what.... I'm tired of it and sick of it. I am a great guy. I have supported my WW in every aspect of life. I have made every effort I can to meet her needs and you know what ?
It doesn't seem to matter. How I have allowed myself to give this childish women so much slack after all this time is truly a testimate to my own stupidity. I am 50 years old, and I am starting to think that the only reason I try to hang on to this is because I don't want to be alone. I know there is more to it than that, but I am angry at her, not for the A anymore, but for all the fence sitting and childish angst that goes along with this.
It's all nonsense and I can't help but wonder if I were younger, would I have left by now. I admire all of you BS's out there who fight to renew your M. You are honorable people who deserve so much better. I respect all of the WS's who communicate with their BS and try so hard to right their wrong. It just seems to me I am not one of the lucky ones. I am starting to believe that nice guys do in deed finish last, so may be it's time to become an A**H*L*. It beginning to seem that's what a lot of people want, even though they try to tell me differently. I am sorry for the rant, but I am P**SED OFF and so tired. Thanks for listening.

Mark, it is ok to vent. sounds to me like you have more than earned a rant. I had a long talk with a dear friend about how logic says I am a doormat for putting up with all of this.
There is no logic in love. You chose to love. I subscribe to the better or worse scenario but I haven't been plan a-ing for longer than a month. I guess it is truely up to you. Have you tried a plan B? Sometimes affairs do sink marriages. Not every one can be saved. I guess it is ironic that when they first happen we feel as though we have so few choices yet in the end we so often make that final choice.
I pray for you and hope it turns out all right. Just remember you are only human and eventually getting discouraged is only natural.
Hugs to you!
Layli

Mark, I REALLY KNOW how you feel. My WW probably did what your WW is (may) doing. Mine did not end "happily" in the MB sense. I too held on to my M because of fear of being alone. It is a very natural fear. My thinking was, if the one person whom knew me best rejected me, what did that say about me.
But I was wrong. She did not know me. She did not even know her-self, that is why she cheated on me, looking for that "missing" piece of her in someone else. I felt like an idiot! I had oppurnities to cheat, but I did not. I strongly believed in our marriage, our love. It turned out I was the only one.
You are NOT a "doormat". You are an honorable man, fighting for something you (at one time anyway) strongly belived in. The vows say somewhere for better or worse don't they. You upheld your end of a sacred vow, there is nothing more honorable than that. There are too few people with honor left in this world. Don't forget that. And even after all that happened to me, I still don't believe nice guys don't finish last. In this world or the next. Take Care Mark

Mark - <p>Next time you are looking for the Honor left in the world..............<p>Look in the mirror. It's appears to be doing quite well! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>When your heart and mind agree, it might be time IMHO.<p>Gib

That's right, I agree with the above!! Just when you think that there are no people in this world who are self-serving and are just out to satisfy their own cravings, there are people like you who set an example for everyone else. They set an example of humility, of rightness, of peace and gentleness. Be proud of yourself.<p>Have you seen the commercial on tv where the kids are playing baseball when all of the sudden, the ball sails through the window of a neighborhood house? All of the kids scatter except for one little boy, who has the courage to knock on the door of the home to confront the owner. I don't know what the commercial is representing, or if they even play it back in the states (I live in Japan and get AFN.) But it talks about "leaders." Just think of all the people that you make stronger (including yourself) by doing what you are doing and being who you are! You are a person of integrity.<p>I have to remember this for myself when my husband goes off on one of his--I don't know what to call it? temper tantrums?--where he is ranting about how I am a ignorant redneck trailor-trash and a religious fanatic and a terrible mother and a gold-digger and blah blah blah. I used to cry everytime he did this, until he proved what a bone-head he is by cheating on me. Now (after a lot of soul-searching)I can look in the mirror and understand that I am a good person, I've made a few mistakes, but I have learned from them. I am capable of loving and deserving of love--no matter what he says. I feel at peace with myself and my choice to stay with him, as I know that you feel peace with your choice.<p>Keep your chin up and don't be discouraged!!!

im with gibby!!<p>i too feel the way you are feeling-in fact the other night it was so bad and i was hurting sooo much, i just came right out and told husband "i dont think i can do this anymore, i dont think i want to, or have the energy to do it all by myself anymore." he was absolutely stunned. he never thought i would give up.<p>oh-well, i guess we all go through it at times. hang in there and do something good for you.

Mark H - I feel just like you. See my post from today. A number of times I have felt like saying "uncle" - you win - it's over. Although, the words won't come out of my mouth.<p>I still love her and want her back. I think of all the happy times we have had over the last 12 years and I STILL don't understand how we got here. I have been living this nightmare for the last year. I just keep praying and hoping.

Mark, you took the words right out of my mouth. I know I should probably just dump my H on his butt for what he's done to me... I may be about to join the club of women who have helped to put their husbands through school and get dumped when it's time to get the degree... but I just can't do it. I don't know what happened to him. I know I made mistakes, but so did he.<p>Speaking of honor, I have some irony for you: my H and I are members of an organization that re-creates medieval society. We value honor, chivalry and courtesy, and most of us strive to bring it into our everyday lives. HA!! The OW is also a member... so much for our values.

Thank You to everyone who responded to my rant. The encouraging words you wrote helped me a great deal.
For anyone new to this site, I want to try to explain how difficult this rollercoaster is. I have OK days and I have bad days and I have days that are so difficult it's hard to imagine how I get past them. The one thing that is missing.... Good Days. There are no Good Days, only OK days. I don't know about anyone else but that is the pattern for this BS. We had a n OK weekend. The new world order of lie after the A is a difficult one, so I write this as a road map for those unfortunate enough to end up on this journey. I am keeping the faith, I re read something posted here a while back and to paraphrase, Give Love and you will receive Love, You may not know when or how, but your day will come if you keep the faith. I find that to be a comfort in these troubled times. Thanks again for your help and hopefully I have helped some of you along the way.