Besides the fact that I am the WW, I'm just the worst person in the world.<p>I screwed up, big time. Pretty much put the seal on the end of the marriage and ruined the lives of everyone in this family. My children are now going to have to be shuffled between two parents at varied times, have to go into daycare, etc. No doubt this will set them back in their developmental delays.<p>Why is this? Because I can't seem to realize that the right thing is to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I deserve to lose the respect of all in my town, along with my husband's massive family. I deserve to be thrown on some native island with no running water or electricity in a freezing cold area.<p>Bad enough I had various affairs, the latest lasting about a year. I lied so many times about it, and finally admitted it. I tried to be a good person and work on things, but held out when BH asked if we did it in our bed. Finally I came out with it, but only after BH had asked OM about it time and time again. He is still conversing with OM. Now the whole deal is out, but of course how would he know that?? I got so used to telling lies that I would have no idea what the truth was apparently.<p>BH is a wonderful man and I truly don't deserve him. How can I possibly make up for the damage I've caused??<p>My feelings now? I want to run away, but I know it's the wrong thing. How do I face him though? How can I expect that he would want to continue a marriage with me? I feel like I should be thrown out on my "you know what".<p>He has an individual session tomorrow, I have one Wednesday. I intend to call the Dr. tomorrow morning because I know I need anti-depressants. I should have had them long ago, but I never was good at seeking help. Now I know I have no choice.<p>For those out there that are the praying type, please pray that I can become a better person, so I can teach my children to be good people. Right now I don't see how I can be the one to teach them to do good.

LisaT,<p>For starters, let me tell you, yes you did a big mess, but still, there may be hope.<p>Yes you have done pretty bad things, and I can understand how you might feel, because my WH has felt the same way before, and I have held him through it, no matter what kind of monster he was when he was in the midst of his WS fog cr@p.<p>If you REALLY want your M back, your H back, your life back, YOU are going to have to get the controls of your own life and work your tail off.<p>Plan A your H, be completely sincere. My WH took AGES to tell the truth, he lied and lied so much lies got mixed in with reality, and it took me long teary eyed nights to untagle them for him. It was as if I was performing surgery on my own tangled stomach, so very difficult and painful, but oh so very important.<p>You need to be sincere with yourself from the start, you need to go back and remember exactly when you started to lie, what made you do it, what was wrong with your M, and what kind of M would you like.<p>Write it down somewhere, everything, let it all out, expose all the lies, let yourself see the truth, and then you may be prepared to let your H know it too.<p>Be aware that it will hurt even more than you are hurting now, maybe, but the truth, as they say, will set you free. Let your H know how you feel, how bad and guilty you feel now, and if you want him back, how you want him back.<p>Answer all his questions, even when you are so ashamed to answer you'd rather have Earth swallow you. If he loves you, if he still hangs to the thinest thread of hope that your M will work, then count your lucky stars, and make sure you'll take this opportunity and won't let it go.<p>Good Luck, and much strength.

When you look at the whole picture, it is so overwhelming. Do this, something that I am learning to do, just take one day at a time. It is hard, but focus on just today! My counselor told me to start small. Pick a small goal, accomplish that, then make your goal bigger, and accomplish that....it tends to get easier and easier, and it also rebuilds YOU ! Not much advise, but just my 2 cents worth. <p>Also, realize that you cannot go back and change your past, but you can only accept the past, deal with it, process it, change from it, change your future! God bless and pray that things work out for you!

LT, You are not the worst person out there. You sound like me a year ago. I am the WS who had A's with 4 different men, and lied quite abit.
When H found out we started going to a christian counsler who explained that I had lied so much that I wrapped myself in a web, and the only way out was to tell the truth.
I think that you may need to tell H that you majorly scrwed up and you really want to fix what you've done, at any resonable cost.<p>I don't know if your H has told any family member's but my H and I agreed not to tell any family member's, ecspecially one's that would hold any grudges or had a big mouth. He did have to talk to someone though so he had told his father and we just seen them last week and everything was quite normal.<p>As for med's, We both got on Anti- depressents to survive the ordeal. I don't regret it and I know he doesn't. It may amke you feel like a zobie but that beats tearing someone apart. There are several to chose from. Ask your C they can explain them to you in detail.<p>I think you need to ask yourself how you can become a better person and make that your goal. I will pray for you and your H.

LisaT,<p>I am the praying type and will pray for you. I know that with God's help anyone can change. It happens all the time. That's not to say eveyone changes, they don't. I am a changed person myself. Not a WS, so can't help in that area. <p>What does it take? The desicion to do it. Each morning ask God for help. At first you may not believe it, but keep at it. sometimes things get worse before they get better. Then, Everynight, thank God for the day. <p>You can change the tapes inside your head. Write out the type of person you WANT to be, not what you think you can be, but what you WANT to be. Once you've written it out, read it everyday, many times over if you need to. <p>It sounds so simple, but it works!!!! afer a while you begin to beleive yourself!!!!<p>Do it for your kids till you can do it for yourself.<p>One last thing, tell everything to God, He can & will forgive you.<p>God Bless, <p>d.

Hi LisaT
My W asked me if the OW and I had sex in her van. I was hoping she wouldn't ask. I told her the truth and that caused another scene. She was hurt and angry. I continue to tell the truth whenever she asks something even if it hurts her. After I told her the truth about the Van she said she wished I had lied. (go figure)
The bed thing is a tough one to get over. I think he is probably more upset about the bed than the lie. I think my W would be. I have to buy a new van, I think you have to buy a new bed. (I guess I know what the polygraph was all about)

No, you are not the worst person...I am. Because at least you've been honest with your H. I am still struggling to get out of this tangled web that I've woven and have not ended all contact, nor told my husband. You, at least, have it all our in the open and can begin to move forward with your marriage. Give your H time to get over it, make him know that you realize you were wrong, then shower him with all the love you can. I'll be praying for you - keep reading all you can and writing here to keep us posted.

Prayer works! Having a change of heart works! God forgives and has already made provision for your forgiveness--all you have to do is ask and receive it... Your H--that's a different story, only because there are earthly consequences to pay. He's not going to kick you out, it sounds like, but you have a lot of repair work to do on your relationship. Put that together with your H's willingness to forgive you for all the deceit plus PRAYER--you can make it through this.<p>No more love busters! Meet your H's emotional needs and you can rebuild the love you once shared. Fill out the questionnaires together! That's a start!