Does anyone else get this feeling? I feel like I am in a "Survivor" episode or something.

Here's my WH sitting on his fence, along with me and the OW.
He doesn't want to jump off ("conflict avoider"), so I feel like he's waiting for one of us to jump off. Then he will stay with the one who waited it out the longest.

Does this sound crazy?

Yes, it sounds and is very crazy. Question for you: Do you want to be with someone who forces you to sit on the fence? Is he forcing you to sit on that fence?

If he is not and you do not want to sit there, what are you willing to do to get off that fence? What part of your life are you willing to reclaim that is not part of the crazy A?

L.

No, he is not forcing me to sit on the fence. I have chosen to do that myself. Maybe because he keeps telling me there is "hope". UGHHHHH!!

Hi- going crazy.. I am too!.... My H keeps saying there is hope and that he thinks maybe I can be normal one day and he can return home.. the latest is that maybe in two years... ?

I do not want to wait 2 more yrs through this mess... I am soo sick of it.. i know you are too. I advise counseling with the harleys.. steve or jenn... I am working with jenn now... I only had one appt. which my H reluctantly attended... and now ... I have naother scheduled.. H did not follow the advice of Jenn.. is not.. but is a little improved... anyway... so tired, tired , tired.. slowly becoming me again in the midlst of all this mess....

Hugs to you... email me if you like... lbarfield@houston.rr.com

Honey

I have had one session (about 6 weeks ago) with Steve who suggested that I Plan A which really surprised me. He also told me to ask WH to call and make an appt with him alone. I gave him all of the information and he said he would but hasn't yet and probably won't, even though I told him I would pay for it.

I am supposed to make another appointment with Steve after he spoke to WH, but since that doesn't look promising, I will have to do it anyway.

Hi going_crazy, I can relate to your WH position as I was there too. I thought it would be so much easier for me if I just stayed on that fence and let the two men make the decision for me. So I waivered back and forth for a while. It was the OM involved that finally gave me the ultimatium. My H was so patient and so loving the whole time I was lost in the fog. He told me that he would have waited as long as it took. He told me he wasn't sure if I would come back to him or not, but he was going to be ready. I asked him if he felt like second best or the last resort since I just couldn't make the decision to break away from my family. And he told me no, that I had picked him from the beginning and no matter what I had decided during this time, he would always feel that he was the best man for me. While things aren't all rosy here, we are still working hard to put things together. Now we talk about everything, even the little things I use to keep in.
Hang in there. Don't let yourself feel that if you wait long enough he will come back to you. Because he chose you from the beginning. Now his eyes are clouded by the "something greener in the other pasture" syndrome. You do what is best for you and your family during this time.
My prayers are with you.
debbie

Thanks Dim, that is most likely the position he is in. He is a major "conflict-avoider" and does not like to ruffle any feathers. He is a good person inside, not wanting anyone to be angry with him, however his intentions are backfiring. Right now I am so angry that he is doing this to me. I am angry at the hurt and loss I feel. I do love him and want to restore this marriage but sometimes I do feel like I might just be a runner up.

I hate that feeling when you think you are a member in the "Survivor" programing. The part that is really hurtful is the irony of WS talk. :teary

True conflict avoidance - OW#1 wanted to end A, but WH kept in contact even while A#2 was going on. Only really ended after I told friends who knew OW#1, and got their opinion of how she got around. WH thought that might be the case but really didn't think so. WH finally wrote NC letter to OW#1 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> -- 2 years later & she e-mail back that is what she has been trying to do for the last year, & WH would just not stop the contacting. #2A still going on at least EA, I don't know about PA since WH moved out in Feb. 02.
Currently OW#2 no contact letter has not been discussed for a month.

I am thinking about starting a thread about the irony in fog talk.

This last week WH said,

"All this guy could talk about was needing some money to to able to "LIVE THE AMERICAN DREAM." The WH laugh about how this guy couldn't see that buy now pay later is not always in your best interest. (My unsaid thoughts was "YEah right! You are just like that guy. Wanting the best of two women, have fun now & pay later.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

WH said that "He really admired a certain talent of this person when dealing with SPECIAL ASSESTS."
This person always was able to keep communication open, until the deal was finished. (A couple of days later I asked if I the BS was the "special assest", were WH couldn't just end the M or A & had to keep us both until WH was able to finish. This was probably a LB.

SF - WH said "it" belonged to me only, & then WH realized what he said even before I reacted. Then WH apologized about his poor word choice & recognized my hurt. Maybe temporary fog lifting, but it is the first time WS actually could sense the irony in anything he has said this last 2 years.

We did have a nice July 4 - 7 together with family & friends, camping. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> WH wanted SF while D-20 slept right next to us- his fanatsies coming back <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> - sometimes just make me crazy also.

My understanding of the OW#2 she helps WH fanatize, about the things I don't. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Yeah Right - The American Dream, diffently a WH mentality. Sorry if I got off track.

BTW - the stars where great the first two nights camping & then it rained & pour on us. Even with the rain I still enjoyed the camping trip. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

going_crazy,

If you can hang in there long enough, the OW will do all the pushing for him to make some kind of decision. There is something that will always stick in my head that my H said to me. He told me that he loved me so much he only wanted the very best for me and if I thought the OM was that, then I should go for it,but that he (H) would always be there to pick me up if things didn't work out. I thought, how amazing that he can say that after what I have put him thru. And at the same time, the OM was telling how much better I would be away from my H and with him.
So who do you think really loved me more?
I finally realized that whatever was wrong within my marriage could not be fixed if I ran away with the OM. I had to see if my marriage would work or fail on it's own. So far, it's working.

My prayers are with you. And I'm praying that the OW pushes him hard enough that he lands on your side of the fence. Because you are not on that fence. You are still in your own backyard waiting out the hardest situation of your life.
God bless you.
Debbie

Thanks dlm, it means alot to hear the advice of others that has been in the WS's position. I could not even imagine what is going through his head. He knows how much I love him and I pray daily that God is working in him and his heart. So much has happened these past few months. I just keep saying to myself, that if we can get through this, we can get through anything. I can try to look at the positive side and see the things that I have done to contribute to the breakdown of our marriage and work on those. I just hope that if he does fall on my side of the fence that it is because he really truly wants to, not because he was forced to.

I am there with you, my husband is on the fence too. The ow is too. I am just on the ground trying to knock them both off, throwing shoes, rocks, bottles!!

My husband said that it is deap. He doesnt' want to hurt anyone. He feels sorry for her, because her family won't talk to her now. Yet he can't leave the kids and me. Just sick.

She is married and her husband is makeing his way back from El Salvador, he is in Texas!! This scares me.

I think alot of info is so conflicting. There is Steve Harleys way, and I have read "Love must be tough" James Dobson. I am just stuck in this hell I think. Mabey we should just tear down the fence, and run!

I think it is hard to let them have it there way. They go back and forth between two women, two lifes! What the...... Well good luck, mabey we all can help each other.