I've been lurking for about a month and reading, reading, reading. This site has helped me so much and is my sole source of support.

A little background: We have been together for 17 years, married 12. We have five children with the youngest being 6 months. My husband was attending school and just when he was to finish, 3 weeks away, he became involved with a married student at the school. This was completely out of the blue. No warning signs. Definitely an alien experience. He has always been completely devoted to me and the children. He experienced quite a few major changes in his life immediately prior to this and I feel like these things contributed to this whole situation. I also wasn't meeting his needs. I let the children come first, etc. As soon as this started, I could feel him pulling away from us and the A was ongoing approx 2 weeks before I knew in my heart for sure. Confirmed by outside person approx a week later. Husband admitted about a month later.
D/day 5/10/02.

From the point of realization I prayed about it and felt God tell me to "just love him". All of my actions since this have been based on that and I've pretty much been doing a Plan A even before I knew what Plan A was.

I have changed so much. At first he was suspect that the changes were real but I feel he now believes that they are. I do think I am meeting his EN's now. (I've guessed at them but feel they are SF, attention, admiration and conversation.) I don't LB.

He is currently well into the A. As I write this he is with her. The school, and where she lives, is 100 miles away and he leaves once a week to spend the day with her. She is married and has children.

When this came out he wanted to leave. Didn't admit there was someone else, just said he didn't feel about me like he used to. Said he couldn't tell the kids he didn't love me because that wouldn't be true. Wanted to separate for a while. When he finally admitted there was someone, he said he hated he cared about her, couldn't stay away, and that she was just like me.

Here's the part I need help with: We get along well. I don't discuss the A, I touch him as often as possible - back rubs, feet rubs, etc, I tell him I love him, I give him cards several times a week, I tell him how much he means to me, how much I appreciate him and everything he's done for our family, I take him lunch when he's at work, I sit there with him and we talk, when we have sex - it is really good (which I'm not sure is right since he is still seeing her but I felt like that was a need I didn't meet and if I deny it, I will be LB'ing)

These things seem to be working. He stopped pulling away from the kids. He actually stays home now for hours instead of minutes. He spends time with the kids where before he almost completely ignored them (when the A started). He even laughs again.

About a week ago, he bought me a horse and then bought himself one. We ride together (no kids) and have a really great time. He buys me little things when he is out (books, a keychain, etc). We spend time with a married friend of his and have future plans to do things together. He makes comments like "me, you, and the baby will go see that movie".

I try not to cry or wear my feelings on my sleeves but occasionally it's too hard to hide. I usually stay up till he goes to bed but the other night I was hurting too much and went before him. He asked me later if I was giving up on him. I said no. He said yes, you are. I told him no, I'm not, I love you, this is really hard and I hurt. (I've told him repeatedly that I love him, I believe in him, I believe in our marriage and that we can survive this. I asked him not to leave and he hasn't brought it up again in weeks.) He then asked me what could he do to make it better. I told him I couldn't tell him what to do that the choice had to be his. He said, "I know woman". I told him he knew what would make it better. He didn't say anything else.

Having said all this, and things are so much better, not worse, he still leaves to talk to her on his cell phone, although he is not as obsessed with it as he was at first. He makes an excuse to leave the house to call. Does he think I'm that stupid? The fog? He still leaves to see her once a week. I have a hard time understanding how he can do that after we spend really good days together. The addiction I guess?

Do I have reason to hope things will taper off with her or what since they are going so good between us?

I've seen a note from her that said she couldn't leave her husband because of the kids. she also told him he couldn't treat people like sh:t and she had done nothing wrong, that she cared about him and was sorry for dragging him along. These were written about a week ago. It makes me worry that he would leave us if she would leave her husband, but deep inside I don't feel like he wants to go anywhere. He just bought the horses and spent hours stringing barb wire. He talks about the future like I'm included. Is this the fog?

I'm sorry about the rambling, it's hard to get so much into one post. I've read so many good stories about plan A.

Do I have reason to have hope that things will turn around? I think they are already having problems.

Any advice, suggestions, or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

Jenny

Jenny,

Hi. First I have to apologize for everyone not posting to you. Please don't think that we are ignoring you. Sometimes it just takes a few minutes to several hours to get the right people who have just the right amount of time to post to you.

Secondly, I think that you are doing a WONDERFUL Plan A. I think that you should continue doing what your doing. I am amazed at the level of coolheadedness that you say you have maintained. I wish I had done as well in the beginning.

I think that you are probably going to see that your efforts will bring things around very quickly.

Have you started counseling with anyone yet?

Have you printed out the Emotional Needs Questionaires and filled it out, for you and him?

Have you filled out the Love Buster Questionaire, both of you.

You said that you don't LB in your eyes, but what does your H say?

I think that you need to be careful with the SF, even though I think that its great that he's accepting of it. I don't know whether you should consider protection or not. How far into the PA did your H venture?

I think that your doing a wonderful job. I know that it will eventually get to you and you're going to LB and need to vent. Please remember how many steps back it puts you.

Your doing great. Welcome to MB, under these really crappy circumstances.

I wanted to add you are doing very very well and I think your actions are already helping to save your marriage.. I think with time all a's die a natural death. Have you suggested cousneling with your h to him? how about individual? I am having a bit of trouble with a finger that had a splinter and the typing is hurting so I will go for now.. please pamper yourself and take care of you.

You will grow weak as h2u says.. it is v ery hard to go throguh this.. build up your strength by making sure you take extra care of you.

men enjoy recreational activieis so I think the horseback riding is a great idea... go for it with him, have him falling head over heels with you, his wife.

Hugs, I know how hard it is.. you are doing a wonderful thing and saving your marriage.

hugs, HONEY

dear jenny- you have amazing strength, god bless you. i think the others are right, you are doing a great job. honey is right, if husband is open to it, do the questionaires. if its too soon, wait. keep plan a'ing but do take care of you also. it gets rough.

I agree with everyone else, you are doing great and keep it up. From what I hear, it sounds like you have a great chance for your marriage. Good Luck.

H2U, Honey, Nikko, & Stillcantbelieveit,

Thanks for the encouragement. My coolheadedness does not come from me, it comes from the Lord. Right when this started, He revealed to me everything I had done wrong. Every stupid, stupid thing. I know what part I played in this. I try to not let the guilt eat me alive but it does sometimes. I know my H made his choices in this and I figure if God showed me all that I did, He will eventually show my H what he's doing. I pray constantly for his clarity of mind.

I haven't started counseling. He refuses any. Says he doesn't need anyone to tell him what to do. Says he doesn't want to change. This was early on and I haven't brought it up again. I use this forum and other places by reading. I've considered calling but the $ is a factor.

I've pretty much figured out the EN's & LB's. I was pretty awful before this with angry outbursts. I've read what the LB's are and I don't do them. I learned early on not to discuss how things are or the future because it hurt too much. I do get sad (really, really sad) but I don't let him see it for the most part.

This did get to me yesterday but he wasn't here to see it. He didn't come home at all last night. Did send me a text message this a.m. that he would be home later. He has a lot of guilt and he's told me it's not all my fault. He did completely blame me at the start but when I accepted my part in it, he started saying he caused it too.

Yesterday and last night were awful but I think I'm in control of my emotions on the surface.

Re: the SF. We do use protection but some things are not. I do worry. He is still in the PA and is with her once a week. She is also married.

I do hold the LB's back because I've read how much they set your efforts back. I just can't go back to zero. I see improvement but I've never been a patient person. This time thing is a killer.

Thanks much,
Jenny