I'm not kidding. When I unfolded my morning paper, this was the big headline. Our paper has a special section added on Thursday, and it is placed so that when you open it, it's the first thing you see. This is today's top story in this extra section.

It is a reprint of an article from the Baltimore Sun, written by Peter Jensen. It's pretty long, so I'll just summarize, then would love to start a discussion or hear comments from anyone interested!

It asks if you are married but share secrets, weekend plans, or after work drinks with a friend of the opposite sex. If so, therapist Gary Neuman has a word to describe your behavior: unfaithful. "We can't fool ourselves into believing that we can have intimate relationships at work and still have a great relationship at home. My message is that if you want to infuse passion and have a buddy for the rest of your life, you have to keep that emotional content in our marriage." So says Dr. Neuman, who recently wrote the book "Emotional Infidelity". The book decries male-female relationships outside marriage as a form of adultery.

And even his critics say that the his premise that friendships between members of the opposite sex can harm marriages is a valid theory.

The article cites a 1998 survey by the University of Chicago where 25% of married men and 17% of married women admitted to being unfaithful. All the researchers mentioned in the article agree these numbers are much too low. Their estimates vary, but at least one said that probably 55% to 65% of spouses have been at least emotionally unfaithful to their partners, and all believe the numbers are growing.

Neuman thinks society in general has underestimated how harmful these "emotional infidelies" can be. He firmly states that "marriages suffer when men and women seek intimate relationships outside the home", and he does NOT mean just sexual relationships. He says that even if you just put "your emotions in the hands of someone other than your spouse, you're still shortchanging your spouse."

The article includes comments from critics who claim that Neuman is a chauvanist who thinks women shouldn't work, to psychologists who believe that it is possible to have an opposite sex friend with many rules in place to avoid inappropriate intimacy. The common theme among them all is that "If you say or do things you wouldn't want your spouse to see or hear", then the relationship has crossed the line to be inappropriate.

Psychologist Susan Townsend says it is the emotional intimacy that develops in affairs that devastates marriages, not the fact that one partner has had sex with another person. Whether that develops over the internet or from direct contact doesn't seem to matter according to her research.

She and other therapists say the first step toward "affair-proofing" your marriage is to make sure the couple spends time on a weekly basis having meaningful conversations. "The more a couple knows each other, the better off they are," she says. "If you strengthen the bond between the couple, there is not so much temptation to look elsewhere."

The article features "10 rules for avoiding emotional infidelity", apparently from Neuman's book.

1. Keep it all business in the office.
2. Avoid meetings with members of the opposite sex outside the workplace.
3. Meet in groups.
4. Find polite ways of ending personal conversations.
5. Take particular care not to have regular (daily or weekly) conversations about your life outside work.
6. Don't share your personal feelings.
7. Be unflinchingly honest with yourself.
8. Avoid cordial kisses and hugs, or dancing with members of the opposite sex.
9. Don't drink in mixed company.
10. Show your commitment to your spouse daily.

*****************

I found it all very interesting. What do you think? My husband's affair wasn't with a coworker, but if he had used #2,#4,#5,#6,#7,#8, and #10 with her, I wouldn't be here now!

Thanks for any feedback.

Peppermint

Oh boy oh boy!

I am sure a lot of MB'ers wish that check list was posted in the bulletin board of all work places and handled with the employee handbook!

I'd love to read the article. It is nice when there is not only the opinion of one author but a series of discussions to it.

Sometimes I think a class with all the info on MB and other marriage building strategies should be mandatory BEFORE getting married, along with a completion of the Radical Honesty questionaire (in private). I know that if my WH had completed those steps it would have saved us both a lot of work, heartache and set backs. But once again I am sure he'd have lied either way. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Peppermint; I searched extensively in the Baltimore Sun web site but could not find the article.
Perhaps you could give us more info; when it was published, the exact article name, the name of your newspaper, maybe Jensen is not the author?....I'll try to find it and post the link.
Thanks!!

Found it!
To get it at the Baltimore Sun, you have to register, but it was transcribed at this site:

Cheating isn't just sneaking out to a hotel room with the office hottie.

I just need to add my 2 cents worth here.

My WH had an ongoing EA with a former GF from HS. I didn't mind them being friends, they kept in touch once or twice a year, just friends!! When he went overseas for the AF, the contact became more and was inapproperiate in nature. He was sharing things with her that should have only been shared with his wife.

A year and a half after returning home, he went to see her while on a business trip and came back and said that he wanted a Divorce. Said that he had never cheated or been unfaithful to our marriage!!!! He was/is to fogged in to see how wrong that statement is!

It's been 18 months since he asked for the divorce and almost a year that we have been seperated and she is still not with him (they live over 1500 miles apart) and he is not divorced. I do wonder!!

Just my 2 cents!!!
Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Peppermint,

Thanks for taking the time to distribute this information. It is SO important in our journey of understanding ourselves and our spouses to be aware of the reality of some of this.

One of my H's MAJOR defenses about his A - at the beginning of the mess - was: "She is my friend and I LIKE talking to her." Of course, in my quiet demeanor, I rebuttled with: "You just might like talking to me if YOU would give me even HALF the time you gave her. Bet your wonderful conversations would loose their attractiveness once the talking turned to real life instead of bending over backward to make each of you FEEL good. Try it with me - it might work!" (I'd need another paragraph to include ALL the words I used!)

You hear SO many people saying "I can have friends of the opposite sex". Simply, that is bunk. Acquaintances - sure. But, FRIENDS that you share your heart on soul with - looking for trouble.

Spacecase - thanks for the link - I used it. Just got back from a week in Houston visiting my mom and sister. I forget just how HOT and HUMID it can be there!!!

Sudz

If all (some) of you are interested in other articles about EAs, LMK and I'll be happy to post them here, or maybe upload them and give you links. I probably have 4-5 good ones.

Sudz; sorry you came to Houston at the worst possible weather time! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

so what does this babble mean?

OW: Oh WS, when you went back to your family you committed emotional adultery against me!!!!!

NOTE: She did not ask for an emotional divorce or emotional alimony. LOL!!!

L.

Can't make these things up!!! I am not that crazy! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Peppermint!!!!!

This is THE THREAD OF THE YEAR!!! I think it should be bumped up every day just to drive this info home. I just emailed it to H. I dont care if it annoys him or not, tired of walking on eggshells with him. He will do what he will do.

Doesnt it feel great to find info out there in the world that totally supports and validates what we already instinctively know to be true!!!

This feels just as good as the first time I came to MB and knew immediately I was in the right place. Home sweet home.

Space---please post links, I am an EA info junkie.

Could someone please post to tempted about this thread? I cant do it, too big of a trigger for me.

Thanks for the great new info.

Replaced

peppermint,

Thanks for sharing the article with us.

What the expert reports reminds me of one of my H's statements right after d-day #1, when he was still sticking to the 'it is just a friendship and you are being completely unreasonable' line. He actually was stupid enough to say "I don't make friends with many people. You know that. I don't have anyone to talk to, and you don't know what that is like because you have many good friends. I am not giving up a friendship just because you can't accept that I can have friends too." So, other than plain-faced lying through his teeth, what else is completely absurd about this statement? The list is so long that I won't bore everyone.

Suffice it to say that the headline could easily have read "Emotional Infidelity is Adultery and it Leads to a Quick Decline in IQ of the Adulterer".

As you know, my H's stupidity about lunches alone with women (not OW) 'related to work' continued for a long, long time after d-day. So, those IQ points don't come back very quickly. Beware to all potential EA-involved spouses!

Hugs to you,

OneDay

Hey Pep!

Great to see you.
The 10 points are right on. Too bad people don't talk about this until it's too late.

YES! This thread deserves to be bumped up DAILY! Thank you for sharing this! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Alostwife, I think the idea of workplace posting is a great one! My husband's workplace is finally starting to go a bit in that direction. In fact, his company magazine that we received yesterday has a great article on the emotional devastation of separation and divorce. Their benefits package also includes marriage counseling, which has saved up many thousands of dollars! Thanks for replying

Spacecase, Thanks for doing the research and posting the link. I tried to find it through our local paper's website but couldn't.

daybreak, My husband's affair also started as a supposed "friendship". I'll never fall for THAT again!

Hey Sudz, I'll be emailing you later today, but thanks for checking in here. I'm sure those "other words" you mentioned have also been used by me. MANY TIMES!

Orchid, My guess is the babble means that that IQ drain OneDay mentioned seems to affect the OP just as badly as the WS! That emotional alimony comment cracked me up!

Replaced, I'm glad you found the article helpful, and I don't think there is anything wrong in sharing info with your husband. Maybe just don't say "See, everyone ELSE knows it's an affair". That really might be a LB, but I've used plenty of those too! I agree with the tempted link, but I just can't read that stuff anymore. It does sound like my husband when he was in the IDIOT-ZONE.

Hi OneDay, Do those IQ points ever really come back? If you read Leilana's and Marie's posts (and our replies) on the recovery forum, you have to wonder!

Cleopatra! Great to see you too! How are things?

BTDT, Thanks for replying. When I opened the paper, I just had to sit there in wonderment for a few minutes. Then after reading it all, I just felt absolutely validated is so many of my feelings.

Thanks all. I'm glad this article gave you all the same impressions that it did me. I think it can be used to initiate some really helpful conversations, at least I hope so!

Peppermint

I feel so vindicated by this thread I have printed it and am taking it home for my H to read (we are without internet at home right now).

I have been telling him this for our entire mariage- it has been years of frustration and "friends" that he still won't admit were EA's except the one he actually left me for a while to live with and slept with.

The rule that if you do things and say things you wouldn't want your spouse to see or hear as the line of inappropriateness would mean that there are about 5 times the number of EA's at least than I even have accused him of I would bet. He spent the first 9 years of our marriage sharing almost nothing of personal nature with me- just his chosen "friend" (always a girl, and usualy at work). He still to this day doesn't fully see how much that hurt me and our marriage the way I do.

I am so glad I'm not just a "prude" or "over reacting" and I'm not the only one that feels this way! I stepped out of the bounds of my first mariage, and the rules laid out in this article are the rules I have been following for my entire marriage- just knew in my heart it was true after examining my mistakes in marriage #1. I have been called many things by my husband for those rules I held myself to- but it wasn't until the almost complete destruction of our marriage and his PA that he ever admitted maybe...maybe... I wasn't so far off after all... maybe. Lol. YAAAA! I'm not a crazy old fashioned prude. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Peppermint, Thanks for bringing this up again. I have a copy of the book by Gary Neuman in my bureau, and am holding it to hand to my H's "BestFriend"

OneDay, I think our husbands used the same script. Your conversation is almost word for word the same one me and my H had.

Spacecase, yes, though our marriage is virtually destroyed, I still find it therapeutic to come here and get vindication and support. Please post more links and articles about Emotional Infidelity.

By the way, I've been interviewing attorneys and researching divorce. That's how completely our marriage is shredded. I have not told my H and don't plan to 'til I get all my ducks in a row. I picked this summer to take care of business because it will give our son a chance to adjust before he begins 8th grade. If I wait til school starts, he will be too stressed out to cope. If I wait til next summer, he will be stressed out byfacing high school. And if I wait for my H's timetable (after our son starts college) I'll have nothing left of myself, which is on its way to happening now.

Well, after seeing a flurry of "Emotional Affair" activity over the last few days, I did put together a post about this subject, and I hope everyone will find it helpful. Those who have additional information, please add to it.

Here's the link:
The EMOTIONAL AFFAIR (EA) - Definition & Information