Hi just wondering what the reactions of the WS were on seperation?? did you at any time grieve for what you had left behind or were you to far in the fog for it to bother you. Did you ever look at your W or H & think gee maybe I made a mistake here & if so what was it the prompted that reaction & what did you do about it, what was the time length before you became aware of this. Also if you noticed that your W or H was "different" somehow that they had made changes were you suspicious of this for a start ie: it won't last she or he is only doing this as a tempoary fix to try & woo me back?? Would be very interested if you have the time to reply to this....

Just trying to get inside the head of a WS here

Bumping this up... this is a good thread.
It would be nice to see some responses on this.
Anybody who can give some input on this, will really help some of us BS"s out there to a degree.
I don't want to have to bump this thread up everyday to get some responses, j/k, or maybe I'm not... LOL.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

I think when two people have been so much a part of each others lives for so many years, you of course grieve many, many things and yes even when there is someone else taking care of your needs that spouse who was your life before is still in your heart no matter how much you deny or say it isnt true.

I think that is the purpose of plan b many times for the spouse to see what it is like not to se that person who was your family for so many years. How do you stop being family.
I think for many it is a way to come back and both parties see it differently.

Of course you will grieve for what was once your life. I think back at all the good times we've had together and as a family. But then it passes you by and you start thinking of the more recent unpleasant times.

Yeah i would be suspicious of the changes, it never lasted before so why should it be for real this time. If you need to change you got to do it for yourself and not for the WS. Or else it won't stick.

I'm bumping this up again,

Come on all, lets get some feed back here.

This is a good thread.

Thank you to all that have responded so far.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

<small>[ July 11, 2002, 10:00 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Bump, I need to hear this...!!

Hi everyone, well this is something that interests me a great deal & as you say Wallace it could help a lot of BS if any WS would help us out on this one. Thanks 4 bumping me up i am sure some WS will come along soon.

The reason I ask the question (& yes I am plan Aing for my sake not to WIN!!! H back) But B4 we seperated H was soooooo set in the following:
1.You know it will never work
2.I am moving on with my life you need to do the same
3. You have always wanted to do something for yourself, now you have the opportunity (yes thats way cool, after I gave up my hairdressing career moved halfway across the world & left all my family behind. I have been with H since I was 15 married at 17 & am now 44! H is 49
4. You know it will never work, we just can't live together.
5.Can't we just be friends
6. I know you think I'm having an affair with my "friend" but you will all be proved wrong (H spends an awful lot of time at OW place now we R seperated.
7. I don't want to be with another woman I want to B by myself. So why does H not question why he needs to be spending so much time with OW now if he just wanted to be on his own.
8. I will never marry again
9. I am not going to be miserable any longer
And more recently
10. I have never been so relaxed & happy since youvé been gone (he must B he stopped smoking while I had to be away for 9 weeks when my mother was Ill as soon as I returned he started again he has now stopped again since we have been seperated.
11.H said when anyoe asks how he is he always says fine! so they don't ask any more.
12. H said I talk to no one about this it's no one elses business!
I have done heaps of LB as I felt so rejected & pushed out this was a family friend so everything was right under my nose...

I just wanted to know if this is the normal, & if he's ever likely to come out of it???? & how b****y long is it likely to take... I know questions questions thats exactly what my H wrote me in an email questions questions you are always wanting answers I am a thinker not a talker!@#

I've just started Plan B and to my knowledge my WH isn't grieving over anything as I haven't heard from him.

I would love to hear from others as to what their experiences have been.

KK

wrungout,

my husband says the same things, he tells me there's no hope, it wouldn't work, i am trying plan A now, but now he rarely calls. confused me!

Well, I'll try to give my thoughts here.

As a recent WS, I do grieve a lot for my marriage. H wants it to work, but I've actually been grieving for so many years, that I think it's over. We've just been going through the motions. I do have horrible feelings of remorse.

I was the BS years ago in my marriage. We never went through a recovery process, as I knew H wanted to leave me then, but didn't. We just kind of swept it under the rug and he wasn't grieving or feeling badly at all. I was pg, with a 1.5 year old D, so he didn't want to leave them for "someone else" to raise them.

I'm just wondering if a separation will wake me up and scare me into wanting him back, or make me realize that I should have done it long ago.

As far as H acting differently, yes he has for a short while. I already see it fading and know that it will probably be less than a month before we are back to our "normal" lives. I've seen it too many times.

I have felt and do still feel alot of what your husband has expressed. Sometimes I feel more strongly than other times about wanting to end marriage and not resolving to being miserable. I think it's great that you are working a plan, my husband has fleeting moments when he is on his best behavior too. But I see it as a mirage. Not permanant and it isn't, he always reverts back to being someone I can't quite see myself staying with forever. I've gone back and forth on this, I question whether to leave marriage and risk having this happen again in next relationship or try to work it out.
I don't know if it's as much about me reverting back, or me transforming into someone new, leaving that old self behind that I've tried to be once again but it feels fake, it's like trying to feel comfortable in an outfit that is outdated or too tight or just isn't you anymore. But when you bought it 5 years ago, you wore it just fine and it felt comfortable back then.
I met H when I was young like you and for me, we changed and we grew, my ideals changed and the direction I decided to take my life was not in line with his.
There are aspects of our relationship that are attractive to me or things about H that I really do like. But the LB things he does, like angry outbursts and lack of good communication, they over ride and over shawdow the good stuff to a point that I too feel happy, contented, at peace when he goes out or travels or when I do things by myself or when I was with OM.
I soppose there is not going back to who we are no longer. Only forward where ever that may lead us. I'd like to see my H stop trying so hard to please me and start pleasing himself and take up developing himself more. Take up a hobby that would make him happy for example. I would like to see him become a happy person, then maybe I would feel less obligated and happier to be in his life.

<small>[ July 12, 2002, 09:54 AM: Message edited by: CMiranda ]</small>

Wrungout, your reply above (#2,7 and 12) is the very same thing my WS said...I don't know why they lie about it not being OW because if there were not anyone else they would stay and try to make it work...I am sick and tried of all the lies the WS has to try to justify his irresponsibilities...Can they just tell the truth? It will still hurt but at least we will be able to get a little closure...

Pls WS's, give us some insights on what is really happening in the WS mind...

[QUOTE]Originally posted by CMiranda:
[QB]I have felt and do still feel alot of what your husband has expressed. Sometimes I feel more strongly than other times about wanting to end marriage and not resolving to being miserable. I think it's great that you are working a plan, my husband has fleeting moments when he is on his best behavior too. But I see it as a mirage. Not permanant and it isn't, he always reverts back to being someone I can't quite see myself staying with forever. I've gone back and forth on this, I question whether to leave marriage and risk having this happen again in next relationship or try to work it out.
I don't know if it's as much about me reverting back, or me transforming into someone new, leaving that old self behind that I've tried to be once again but it feels fake, it's like trying to feel comfortable in an outfit that is outdated or too tight or just isn't you anymore. But when you bought it 5 years ago, you wore it just fine and it felt comfortable back then.
I met H when I was young like you and for me, we changed and we grew, my ideals changed and the direction I decided to take my life was not in line with his.
There are aspects of our relationship that are attractive to me or things about H that I really do like. But the LB things he does, like angry outbursts and lack of good communication, they over ride and over shawdow the good stuff to a point that I too feel happy, contented, at peace when he goes out or travels or when I do things by myself or when I was with OM.
I soppose there is not going back to who we are no longer. Only forward where ever that may lead us. I'd like to see my H stop trying so hard to please me and start pleasing himself and take up developing himself more. Take up a hobby that would make him happy for example. I would like to see him become a happy person, then maybe I would feel less obligated and happier to be in his life.
While it is true that the OP makes coping with the unhappiness and discontentment, the problem isn't really the OP as much as it is the WS and the BS and the relationship gone wrong. OP has been like a lightbulb for me, showing me that I really do want and can have the things in a relationship that H does not offer that I find fullfilling. They are not fantasy, there is a live person out there who can give them. It is very confusing for this reason.

Hi just wondering what the reactions of the WS were on seperation?? did you at any time grieve for what you had left behind or were you to far in the fog for it to bother you.

My H and I are divorcing. We 've only been living apart for a month and I am soooo relieved. It feels wonderful to me. I am so happy to live without the constant tension and fighting. (BYW -- I live alone, we split the time with the kids 50/50, I am building a new home) I reached the decision about 6 months ago to divorce, and have been working with a mediator. Neither of us moved out because we had not reached any decision on property yet. Perhaps the fact that our home life was so stressful for the last few years, adds to the peace I feel now.

Did you ever look at your W or H & think gee maybe I made a mistake here & if so what was it the prompted that reaction & what did you do about it,

No, I feel really healthy, happy, and stronger. I do not feel like I've made a mistake.

Also if you noticed that your W or H was "different" somehow that they had made changes were you suspicious of this for a start ie: it won't last she or he is only doing this as a tempoary fix to try & woo me back??

Yes, my H attempted a plan A. And I was very suspicious of it. I never felt as though those changes were "heartfelt" or wanted by him. That is was just an attempt to appease me and win me over. I never wanted him to change for me, I always felt we were mismatched -- and that there are certain traits that are such a part of who we are its impossible to truly change. And I also feel that the traits he has aren't bad or wrong -- they just don't fit with mine.

I also think that in a lot of ways my walls are up so high that I don't see his pain. I know that he is still hurting and raging over this. I wish he could feel peace and contentment. I truly think he's a good man. I just don't want to be his wife.

Cmiranda said"
While it is true that the OP makes coping with the unhappiness and discontentment, the problem isn't really the OP as much as it is the WS and the BS and the relationship gone wrong. OP has been like a lightbulb for me, showing me that I really do want and can have the things in a relationship that H does not offer that I find fullfilling. They are not fantasy, there is a live person out there who can give them. It is very confusing for this reason. "

I agree 100%!!

I also agree with Lexxxy's statement "I truly think he's a good man, I just don't want to be his wife"..

That pretty much sums up my feelings... unfortunately, that is very painful to H.

<small>[ July 12, 2002, 02:02 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

T

<small>[ July 12, 2002, 02:03 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

<small>[ July 12, 2002, 02:03 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Thanks again for all who have posted.
I know there is more of you out there that can enlighten us... so don't be afraid to say what your true feelings are.
It is appreciated.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Well some interesting input, my situation regarding plan A is this I felt we were always in plan A while we were married as thats the way I always treated my H I always strived to make sure everything was going OK for him at the expense of my own feeleings, obviously I was not meeting some of his needs tho.
The LB began when he started his affair 12yrs ago & then we were doing OK until 4 yrs ago H (who said he would never have another female friend) thought it was OK to spend all his time with a female friend which made me feel very threatened especially as this was a family friend & I just felt very pushed out of all H was involved in by H OW & another freind who all rode horses together.

OK I guess that my next question then is how can a NEW relationship built on secrecy, deceit & lies to W or H feel so right. or was it because the BS became suspicious & therefore LB like crazy because they were being told "nothing is going on it's just a friendship"that to the WH or WW it was OK cause she/he is a ***** to live with??? I'm confused