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Joined: Jul 2000
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I mean my wife would rather do garden than sex. It has been more than a year and half since my wife ended her contact with the OM. Since then we are still trying to work on rebuilding our marriage (mostly me). My wife is happy with the way it is. That is “no sex”. She allowed me to give her a quick hug before bed about six months ago and let me “touch” her about a month ago.

Somehow being touched is now irritated her. She doesn’t feel like being touched at all including the kids, but especially me. She completely lost her desire to be intimate with me. The idea of having sex completely turns her off. She said she has no problem whatsoever not to be touched, hugged, kissed… All she wants is to live peacefully with the family (me, her and the kids) doing the family things, enjoying each other in a non-sexual way, keeping each other company, and gardening in our backyard quietly in the evening. She also wishes that I don’t think about sex because whenever I mention the word “sex” it makes her feel guilty about it.

Why? Because she couldn’t feel it any more even though she has been trying, but somehow my touch still brings back her feeling of resentment that she has had in the past about sex that she has never mentioned to me until her affair.

I don’t know what to do or how to help her on that. I did suggest many things for her to check them out but I cannot force the issues too much. If I do it only makes it worse. Because of this, it makes me feel like I’m a sex maniac. She knows that I still desire her and want to make love to her, but she just couldn’t bring back her feeling for that. She said to me if I want to she is willing to just lay there for me and told me not to expect any response from her. All you “sex maniac” out there, how do you feel if your spouse says that to you?

Maybe I NEED to switch my brain to do garden rather than sex, huh! Let’s see what I can do with the garden tools. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thank you for listening. Once in a while I still need to vent.

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OOOO,

Well, they both involve fertility, so what is the big deal?

In all seriousness, this is ridiculous. No woman could realistically expect a normal healthy man to continue to live like this on a permanent basis. I know that your W refuses counseling, but I would suggest that you talk to Steve or Jennifer as soon as you can. Either of them can help you to formulate a plan to try to fix this thing.

In the meantime, you have my sympathies, my friend.

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OMG... and you've actually been accepting this? For this long?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I'm at a loss for words...

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She just expects you to accept this and not be resentful about it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> More than a year?!?

You deserve credit for your patience and tolerance, OOOO, but how long are you prepared to go without any intimacy at all? No sex would be hard enough, but no touching of any kind? That's just plain cruel, and the epitomy of self-centeredness, IMHO. The fact that she refuses counceling is another indication that she does not want to change. She's living in another fantasy to think that you two can just live "peacefully" without enjoying the intimacy God intended for every married couple to enjoy.

Do you have any kind of time period for waiting for a change in this situation? Have you discussed this with an IC yourself? Your wife definitely has issues that need to be addressed, but you obviously can't force her to get help. But I think IC for yourself would be helpful in coping with your situation.

I wish your wife realizes (remembers) what she's missing out on. Married sex with the one you love is the most fulfilling and satisfying intimacy you can have!

Best of luck to you.

Lori

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OOOO,
It might be funny if it wasnt so pathetic, that I am in the same boat.

My H told me he doesnt like to be touched!!!!! Yet he pays for a massage every week.

I too miss touch and sex, but I have been gardening to sublimate. Our yard has never loooked better and I have continued big plans since it seems yard work is the only fertility rights I will be getting any time soon.

Sad to see we are still on the same road... If you were getting some it would give me hope in some sick way. But maybe we can be in a garden club instead.

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OOOO

no words, no advice, no nagging either,

at this point only you can decide what to do, & you know what JL would tell you or WhoDat if they run across this.

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OOOO,

Yes I will tell you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Sing has my number on this one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

OOOO, this is no longer a case of what your W does or doesn't do for you. She has been adament about her position since day one and she continues. She stated she wanted to stay married until the children left home, and then divorce. THe marriage would include NO sex, NO physical contact, and as little contact with you as possible. You would be expected to work and support this family.

Do you have any questions? Is there something here you don't understand? She is being honest with you. She is using you just as she said she would, not necessarily for the children's benefit but her own. She won't seek counseling (which she needs very very badly), she won't
"work" on the marriage.

Your W has been painfully honest with you and has not varied from this. If you have nothing else in your marriage you have honesty now. So why do you think she is lying to you? Why do you think that deep down she really wants to have sex with you, or really care if you are happy? Why?

From what I read here, what you have is ALL you are ever going to get until the kids leave and then you will also get divorced. At that point you will have the complete package as she promised.

So the only questions for you are why you think it will change? Whether you want to live this way? It is YOUR choice, she has told you how it is going to work. She has no reason to change or lie to you.

I wish I could help, but I cannot. No one can. It is up to you, your marriage has recovered and your W is very happy with it. What is your problem? If you have one you are going to have to deal with it.

I am sorry for your situation.

God Bless,

JL

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Okay now that JL has posted. I'll backtrack & tell you what I do or what I think I do.

As JL has said your wife has been honset with you, now you be honset with her. Tell her what you really want a real family not just one that might look good to others. That you want your children to see what love really is, not this faxcille (?) that y'all are showing. That if she is unwilling to seek counseling to see if you can restore your marriage farther than it is time to divorce or at least seperate & no family time together. I tried that & it didn't work.

OOOO, you have been at this a very long time & if your need for SF is growing I am afriad that you will seek it out of marriage & then you will be the bad guy to your kids.

as back to my usual nag, call Steve again. It is cheaper than divorce, believe me. I will poor or what I think is poor for the rest of my life.

good luck and hoping you can find peace & happiness

sing

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OOOO,

Really, I was hoping to see some good news here. I'm sorry that you are still in the same place.

I think that its time to lay down the law. I agree that you should tell her exactly what you NEED and what you will ACCEPT. Your continued silence is a form of aceeptance. She has done next to nothing to repair the marriage.

I think that Plan B is overdue.
I never wanted to say that to you. I have felt optimistic(maybe unwarrented)about your wife's progess. I really think that she needs a good swift kick in the pants.....

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cleopatra:
<strong>OOOO,
I really think that she needs a good swift kick in the pants.....</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and the LB fairie would be glad to come & do for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

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Have you read "Passionate Marraige" by Schnarch?

It's written with a perspective of a sex therapist, targetting issues that would probably sound familiar to you...

I don't have it handy, but I do recall Schnarch recounting some "cases" he's handled... And in the end, after unweaving all the tangled threads of their issues (childhoods, hang-ups, etc.), in many cases it comes down to one of the partners standing up for themselves... being honest, being strong, and being willing to take a leap of faith.

It's a pretty heavy read at times, but worthwhile (I found).

Joined: May 2001
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Dr. Harley has some articles on this site about incompatibility. Do a search and read what he has to say about it. I think I would have fainted from horniness (nonword??) by now if I were you??? Hang in there OOOO, it can't be easy being in your shoes!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

BTW, does your wife realize that with all your faults, just the way you are--RIGHT NOW--there are probably about 10 women out there who would take you just the way you are??? AND, who would be GLAD to get you??? I wonder if they aren't working on you as we speak???!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hmmm... Then again, perhaps it's YOU who needs to realize that... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ July 16, 2002, 03:44 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

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OffOn, I can truly understand what your going through. My WW has been back for a year and a half and, although she initiated SF one time and agreed to it 3 other times, it has now been 4 months. Unlike your W, she will not tell me what the problem is, ( she just makes up excuses when ever I ask, which I do rarely). I too am amazed at how they can appear normal in every other way, but there is no intimacy to speak of. I do get a peck of a kiss and an uncomfortable hug from time to time when I initiate, but that's it. I ask myself all the time what should I do, and believe me it starting to way on my self respect. Just a though... You might want to do a little snooping to find out if those needs are being met in another manner ( MY W has a stash of erotic material and a BOB that she seems to turn to). I am at a loss for an explanation, but I do know that it is quite a difficult thing to handle when you know the person you love the most in this world would rather not touch you. I'm sure this isn't much help, but maybe some of the other folks here are right and it's time to let them know what we need. If they can't give it, then it;'s probably time to move on.

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OOOO,

I think JL nailed it.

The basis on which she came back to marriage was completely outlined by her. By not leaving, you accepted the situation. Bad or no sex is only a sign of some serious issues. I do not think, however, that this is not repairable. You need to get to the heart of the issue. There is a reason why she feels the way she does. Have you had some serious talks about this (not about sex)? Ask her what is going on in her mind, how she feels about you, etc.? If she wants nothing to do with you other than to make her life comfortable, then you have to decide if you are willing to accept that situation until the kids have left and that means accepting the whole package no sex and all. Are you willing to waste those years of your life?

Have you ever read "Passionate Marriage." Just an idea, sometimes while doing a good Plan A, some will loose their differentiation by trying to not LB. They will not say what is really on their mind and begin to look for validation of who they are from their WW. You sound emotionally fused to your WW. Just a quick way of telling this is to ask yourself the question, Can she change your feelings about an event or situation retroactively?

Just my thoughts.


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